It doesn't have to be such hard work

[October]

I'm doing the best I know how at this time in my life, but I know as time goes on I will get better and better - I'm committed to.

I know this is true of you, Jac, and I commend your bravery, your strength and your determination.

I am committed only to survival at present, and cannot actually see beyond that.  But maybe somewhere in the future there is recovery for me too.  This is not negativity; it is being realistic about what can be done, given the hand of cards I am presently holding.  However, I know that others see more than this in me, and have told me so, which is a wonderful thing - recovery is hard to see from the inside.

[Hopalong]

flippers smacking...


Hops

(I don't know why I have an inner seal, but I'll go with it...)

[October]

To survive, after being involved with an N
IS RECOVERY!!!

Thanks for that.  I would add to it, to laugh after being with an N for any time at all, is recovery.  That is what I am doing today.   

Went to parents today, because of minor crisis.  Yb is abroad, and although over 40, manages to have these things happen, to cause turmoil.  Anyway, he needs money because his wallet got stolen, and dad rang to ask me to help transfer some cash to him.  I said fine, I will be round soon.  Then ten minutes later, another call, saying they were going to go down to their own bank to take out some cash.  I said, no don't do that, wait for me.

So I went round, made two phone calls and the money was on its way to South America by Western Union, without anyone having to leave the house.  And my parents still can't see that the way to achieve money in SA is not to take out money in England.  I told them, that is dinosaur thinking; you are adding 20 problems in front of the one you actually have.   

And the N connection is that the harder they make the problem, the more credit they get when retelling it, in every gory detail, to anyone who will listen.  The last thing an N wants is an easy solution, which is no inconvenience to anyone, and where they cannot get grumpy because they have not encountered bureaucracy or incompetence along the way.   

[Dazed1]

Hi October,

The last thing an N wants is an easy solution


Amen to that!!

My N mother often did things in the hard way.  I once said to her "don't re-create the wheel" and tried to show her an easier way to do something.  That was a big mistake because she launched into her accusatory "you're always so self confident".  And I'm thinking to myself: does that mean self confidence is a bad thing?

Of course, I was not self confident and from there on, she would often say to me "don't re-create the wheel".

I think you're right.  Ns do things the hard way so that they can complain about it.

dazed

[nickyinstant]

Hi, I would like to put my penny worth to this, and apologise in advance!!!

A newcomer here, I asked for some advice, and I got it, it was great.

I returned a few times. Tho having read through this thread, not sure if I will bother again.

I tend to find the threads laborious to read through, and frankly a bit high brow for me.  I often dont understand them at all.  They make me feel that I lack sufficient intelligence to contribute, and seem like, (to me anyway, pos cos I dont tend to stay here long, cos) too much time spent reading through personal  bitching sessions between a select few who analyse and overanalyse, and perhaps some who underanalyse.............I really dont know!!!!  But its not for me.  I appreciated the time spent giving me feedback and help, but wonder how many, like me, come and go, without the time or inclination to read through so many personal messges between old friends/enemies and big long analytical, whats the point of this anyway, type postings. 

Sorry folks, but thats more or less, give or take, how I feel.  Said as best I can, and already feeling bad about it.

[Dazed1]

Dear nickyinstant,

All I can say is  "ouch"!

Hey, fine, free speech, that's how you see it; you can go your own way.

But, I think your tone was nasty and judgemental.

In my humble opinion and speaking as a newbie, I think you don't "get" the point of this forum.

To paraphrase WRITE (I believe) in another thread:  "some people just don't understand Nism".  C'est la vie.

dazed

[nickyinstant]

Fair nuff, nasty and judgemental is true.

this was the first one i read today, possibly bad luck on my part but i just seem to have stumbled on a few threads lately where I feel that people seem to be getting at one another.

Been trying to avoid conflict my whole life. Makes me very uncomfy, and got my hackles up tonight wen i stumbled on it first thing, I cant see the point in that in a place like this, but I guess it happens.

I read on to other threads, found what I came here for - encouraging words and information, and subsequently I apologise for my nasty and judgemental post.

nic

[gratitude28]

Hi Nicky,
I agree with you... it does get to be that way here. I read what I want to read for me... If someone asks for help I respond. You can find people to help and hear you here... But there are those who do like to analyze and pick things apart. I like to do that with literature... with this... occasionally, but mostly I come for a bit of sanity and support. I'm not big on the intricate discussions either... and I don't always understand them.
Keep coming back... if only to read what helps you.
Love, Beth

[penelope]

hi nic - welcome

maybe it's my ADD, but I can't get through most posts here either!

It's OK, I got over it - if this place have value for you you'll be back too.     I've been here almost a year now and never thought I'd last a week.   

hugs,
bean

p.s. hi dazed.  welcome too, if I didn't already say "hi"

[gratitude28]

BTW, I also suck at dealing with conflict. And reading (and even piping in occasionally) has been okay and even helpful to me at times. Sometimes I feel like I will hyperventilate when I see people are arguing. And then I see they get through it and it's OK... It's been a good lesson for me, but one I am definitely still absorbing

[gratitude28]

BTW, I also suck at dealing with conflict. And reading (and even piping in occasionally) has been okay and even helpful to me at times. Sometimes I feel like I will hyperventilate when I see people are arguing. And then I see they get through it and it's OK... It's been a good lesson for me, but one I am definitely still absorbing

[pennyplant]

I too have problems with conflict.  It provokes anxiety in me.  And I also have a tendency towards being blunt and then I have started a conflict, wrecklessly, without meaning to.  That's scary too.  I have to learn to deal with those issues and have learned that this board is a place to do that.  It is hard to learn it but I've seen much progress in my abilities since coming here.  Actually learning how to deal with conflict in the 3-D world, which I thought was impossible for me to learn.  It takes a long time.  But it is worth it.  Less anxiety and even a little pride in having started to really learn something that has always been very difficult for me.

PP

[penelope]

PP,
I picture that going something like this in the future:

PP:  Hey, you're stepping on my toes!

Recipient:  Gosh, you're blunt (said in disapproving tone).

PP:  [Says or thinks to self] that's interesting you see it that way...  Hmpppf [walks off and really doesn't care nor bothers to give it another thought]


Just cause someone thinks or calls you blunt, does it mean you are?  Even if you are, does it matter?

hugs,
bean

[pennyplant]

Well, I can be pretty blunt depending on what kind of mood I'm in.  But also, people who are used to the wishy-washy-people-pleasing me think I'm being blunt or difficult when I'm just being firm for once.  They don't know how to react when nope really means nope.  They liked it much better when I could be steam-rolled.  I'm also getting used to saying what I mean even if it isn't the expected or desired for answer.  It's coming along, though, and I'm getting more confident.

PP

[October]

Fair nuff, nasty and judgemental is true.

I don't think you were being nasty.  You came expecting this to be one thing, and found another.  Nothing wrong with saying that.  However, if you stick around, maybe you will find that there is a lot more to it than either your expectations or your first impressions.

I sometimes rub people up the wrong way, and sometimes people rub me up the wrong way.  That is life.  Sometimes things get said that in hindsight should not have been said, but we are all human here, and we are all learning together.  We are all hurt one way or another, and like anyone who is hurt, if someone threatens to open an old wound, we are going to resent that, and maybe fight back a little.  But that is a kind of reflex action, rather than (I think) a sign of actual animosity or aggravation.  People with lots of animosity don't stay here too long, in my experience. 

So, welcome, and I hope you find something worthwhile here.  And remember the old saying; if you find the perfect church, don't join or you will spoil it.  Same goes for support groups.   

I do not go looking for conflict.  But neither do I avoid it if it comes my way.