Author Topic: Little Ns  (Read 2456 times)

seeker

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Little Ns
« on: February 23, 2004, 01:54:49 PM »
Greetings all,

This is for parents of school aged children.  I'm in danger of revealing myself to be a smothery mother, but when I hear my kids talk about what goes on on the playground, it really gets to me.  Esp. when one kid will verbally abuse or put down others who are just minding their own business or trying to join in with a group of friends.  

One decides that another is no longer a member of the group and, poof, the outsider is standing there wondering what just happened.  Or a couple of kids are goofing around and when another (usually my kid) joins in to do the same thing they're told, why are you doing that?  Why are you such a pain?  It's such a double standard that these kids are laying on my child and it bugs me no end!  

It all started when a new student came was self-appointed as the new leader of my kid's group of friends.  This "leader" then had a party shortly after arriving and invited everyone in the group--except my child...Of course, you all would know my diagnosis about this new kid, but it hurts that the others went along with it and my kid is out in the cold.   It's hard to watch my kids learn these painful social lessons.

Thoughts?  Seeker

rosencrantz

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Little Ns
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2004, 02:53:44 PM »
Yes, seeker, I have thoughts about this.

All life is in the playground and if your child can find his or her own way through the tangle and out the other end then s/he will be strong in life, too.

If you can talk through feelings and priorities (what's more important - friends or the appearance of friends etc) and strategies for coping, surviving and winning, then this will help.  

But many children work through it by themselves and find useful answers, they only need us if it seems to be going wrong and they aren't finding healthy and productive answers.

They'll go through the same thing time and again as life progresses ( in big school, in the work place, in romance).

But don't intervene too soon - there won't be anyone in 'real life' to sort these things out for them.  Life isn't fair, people aren't always nice, and our children need to find the inner resources, resilience and 'smarts' (emotional intelligence) to survive.
Hugs
R
"No matter how enmeshed a commander becomes in the elaboration of his own
thoughts, it is sometimes necessary to take the enemy into account" Sir Winston Churchill

seeker

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Little Ns
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2004, 03:35:45 PM »
Thanks so much, Rosencrantz,

My head knows my children will work these things out, but my heart just aches.  I know much of it is my own pain left over from my own losses on the playground.  My husband is pretty supportive in that he tells me I'm doing a way better job of helping our kids than my parents did for me, just by listening.  

BTW I don't step in and solve their problems, but I do want them to feel OK :wink: even if a particular peer doesn't think so.  Hopefully, home is a sanctuary for them.  I tell them that there are some people who can only feel good when they are tearing someone else down.  (There have been a few blatant examples in their school career so far).  I encourage them to find people who accept them rather than bend over backward to please people who can never be pleased.  

One identified bully was hammering my child for a long time.  I finally said, don't give him what he wants.  Don't cry.  You can come home and cry here.  Tell me how you feel.  I guarantee you that if you stop crying, he'll find someone else to make him feel powerful.  Let's give it a try.  In this case, thankfully, it worked.  Another parent had another method: he went up to this kid and said the next time you do that to my kid, I'm going to do it to your father.  Nasty business.

Another hard part is that I am just now myself learning how to resist v. shrink way or disappear.  I felt so unprotected emotionally while growing up.  Unacknowledged. So I wonder if I am encouraging them to do something that I find difficult myself...anyway, finding the strategies for coping, surviving and winning are what's important.  Thanks for the encouragement and for keeping me on track.  Best, Seeker

Portia

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Little Ns
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2004, 08:18:55 AM »
Dear Seeker and Rosencrantz,

I hope you don’t think I’m hijacking your thread here (?), I don’t mean to, but I just wanted to say I was touched by your conversation about your children.

You are both so wise, experienced and clever. I can only hope to be as sagacious as you when I’ve grown up some more. It’s a real privilege to have met and joined you here. I wish you talked more together so I could just listen and learn!

I do have a question: Rosencrantz, what are ‘smarts’? Is it like smart targets, but applied to EQ? I love those EQ tests. I thought maybe if I’m ever interviewed again by a big N corporation, when it gets to ‘any questions of your own?’ I could whip out an EQ test for the interviewer. But then again, I might find better ways to keep myself amused.

Best to you both. P

rosencrantz

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Little Ns
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2004, 11:55:20 AM »
I think having a child changes you - I was a wreck in a million ways after I entered motherhood at 40 - but...I had this sense of maturity and 'wisdom'.  I don't know where that came from!!  

(It's not solely a 'woman' thing - but the Hindus believe that childbirth and menopause can lead to a Kundalini awakening :shock: http://www.hmt.com/kundalini/awaken.html (ooh, getting a bit esoteric, here!!  :wink: ) )

As far as Smartz are concerned - I think it's just a modern word that's slipped into the language to replace 'savvy'.  (I'm sure I read an article recently about it being a word that had entered the dictionary but it was 'ccreated' by someone in a rap group who wished he'd copyrighted it!! - ???)  It just seemed to fit with the concept of EQ!  :)
R
"No matter how enmeshed a commander becomes in the elaboration of his own
thoughts, it is sometimes necessary to take the enemy into account" Sir Winston Churchill

seeker

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Little Ns
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2004, 08:51:01 PM »
Wow Portia, thank you so much for the very kind words.  It hurts like hell to see kids go through any sort of pain.  Maybe that's why Ns block it out  :shock: !  But the encouragement here feels great.

And Rosencrantz: thanks for being esoteric!  I was raised pretty "traditionally" of course  :wink: but am reaching out to explore other philosophies and religious traditions.  I'm reading stuff that I would not admit to my extended family!  So I will definitely check out the kundalini site.

Hugs to you both, Seeker