Guilt issues

[s]

First of all, I am brand new to your board and feel so relieve to have found a source of answers and explanations to my situation. Thank you all!
Here we go; it's been a year since I found out than my Husband was a N. The psychiatrist closely following me for depression and serious anxiety brought up the subject and it has made more and more sense to me since then...My Depression and Anxiety are doing much better now and I'm working on my self worth and personal needs right now. I'm still with my husband but it has been a real struggle. We have no intimacy, we barely talk (I refuse as he make me feel guilty or denied everything I say- I need to pick my battles with him), I pretty much try to keep it livable...give him attention so he gets out of my space. It has work so far.
But now that I am getting stronger I realize that the more I am away from him (physically, emotionally,..) the least I want to do with him. We started to go to counseling (because I have a problem with our relationship) So now that he's aware that our relationship is not going well at all, (even tough I have been telling him for four years) he's all nice, wants to caress me (he NEVER used to touch me- unless he wanted sex then he would proceed to grab my breast or vagina...) I feel he's playing me and that we are part of an abusive cycle. As soon as he gets what he wants from me he return to his normal habits of fueling his ego with his work and I'll be back to square one with him. This little cycle has been going on for three years now and I have a real hard time falling for it this time!
So how about my guilt? I feel so terribly guilty to make him sad. I pretty much am bursting is egotistical bubble revealing to the world (therapist, family, friends,work...) that he is not the man/husband he is portraying to be. Image is VERY important to him. He deals with high power men all the time and always has to look good in their eyes. If I leave him (I'm seriously thinking about separation, as I feel so good when I'm away from him) very soon, everybody at his work and in his industry will know that there's a problem. He will not look as good. He's always gotten what he wants out of me by making me feel guilty,...I usually give up to him but this time around I'm in a huge emotional dilemma.

Is what I'm feeling normal? Does my assessment of the situation makes sense? What should I do? Is it normal to feel guilty, will it ever go away?
Someone please help!

[Hopalong]

Welcome, S:
Glad you found the board. You'll find so much wisdom here from those who've been there and beyond.

If I leave him (I'm seriously thinking about separation, as I feel so good when I'm away from him) very soon, everybody at his work and in his industry will know that there's a problem. He will not look as good.

I can think of a few other ways to look at the situation...grab what's useful, ignore the rest:

--Everybody will know there's a problem but not necessarily assign blame. Most people know marriage is complicated.
--Everybody will know there's a problem but they'll sympathize with him, which is more attention!
--He can paint himself the victim and milk it for all it's worth
--Nobody will be all that shocked when they find out, as half the world is divorced.

I think the most important part of your post is this:

I'm seriously thinking about separation, as I feel so good when I'm away from him

What would it feel like to ask yourself, do I deserve to feel good most of the time?
To make a man who grabs me like I'm a dog and ignores me the rest of the time feel good--is that my life's purpose?
Do I deserve to find out what it might be like to be happy on my own?
Do I deserve to one day experience a relationship full of pleasant talk and companionship?
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and wake up one day full of regret?

I think you're on your way to the answers, and I hope you find much help here.

Hopalong

[S-teem]

Thanks Hopalong!

You're right, for most people it's about divorce -not about being victimized or dealing with a N husband. It is so easy to get wrapped up into our own feelings. I want to live my life to the fullest and stop feeling guilty. I know for sure he'll play  agreatvictime! Plus he'll love the attention you're right. I had not thought about that. I certainly deserve to  experience a fun, loving relationship full of pleasant talk and companionship. Living with him has been SO lonely. I want to be best friend with my boyfriend/husband not his dog!

[October]

Is what I'm feeling normal? Does my assessment of the situation makes sense? What should I do? Is it normal to feel guilty, will it ever go away?
Someone please help!

I read something helpful in a book once, because I too worry a lot about not being normal.  It said, if you are on the outside, and they are not on the way to lock you up, then you are normal.

So, that is sorted.

Next, your situation.  You are not responsible for keeping your h happy, nor fulfilled, nor emotionally stable.  Those things are his concern, not yours.  Your only concern, unless you have children, is to keep yourself happy, healthy and as emotionally fulfilled etc as you are able to achieve.  You have learned a lot already about whether this is likely to happen with your h, and you will learn more.

Then it is up to you to decide whether your happiness can be sacrificed to his ego or not.  Some people do decide that this is what they will do - my own dad did this years ago.  But I suspect that if you have come this far, you will find going backwards into the denial necessary to fulfill that role beyond your power.  You may feel guilty, but that is because you are an intrinsically decent person.  Can you say the same of your h?

In which case, the only direction is forwards.  But the timing and speed are up to you completely.

I wish you well.

[Hopalong]

S & S,
I think you're really onto something here:

The more you can (stand) to just keep applauding, up to the moment you leave, the
better you will come out. You might even want to try b'sing when if you leave
him and say, "Im not good enough for you" or some other thing that will build his ego

It rings a bell with an experience I had when the last Nbf and I broke up. I realized I'd made a mistake...I had bought him a beautiful little painting done by my dear friend R (who died this summer) and he had "given" me one of his artworks (a lovely rose-photo thing, he has a good eye for color and line, but it leaves me cold now) for Xmas. (His "giving" was that he'd agreed to let me buy it "at cost" and for Xmas he said magnanimously, look, your gift is I will tear up your check. Meanwhile, he gave me a stocking with a few gag gifts that were the same he'd given his daughter. Oooo the whole N's are terrible gift-givers thing...) Anyway, shortly afterward, we were done, and I realized it was an awful mistake. I loathed his chilly "art" and loved my friend R's spiritual gorgeous little landscape.

So I called him and said you know, I have this gorgeous GORGEOUS rose image in my basement and you know, right now I just can't enjoy it, but it should be seen. (He goes, yes, yes, that's true...). So, I said, I wonder if since we're not a couple any more, would you be willing to swap our gifts back? He said okay, and I tore over there so fast I nearly left skid marks...couldn't let go of that toxic rose fast enough.

Anyway, sorry for the detour, but that really rang a gong, S& S...

and S...I think S & S has a good insight about praising or "humbling" yourself as you exit an N. In my experience, his ego was such a hoover he didn't even realize I was trying to reclaim something I cared about (in my case, a painting--in your case, if you decide to, it could be your own happiness).

long-windedly,

Hops

[S-teem]

October I love your idea of being "normal"! You're so right and boosted my self confidence tremendously! Thank you!
It really helps to get feedback from the forum. So many things are going through my mind- it helps slow things down and sort things out!
I like your perspective! I have spend so much time of our relationship caring, giving, loving and putting his needs first, it's hard to switch back and put myself first! Therefore, if I decide to leave my N H I'm planning on being single for awhile and also will continue working on being independant and strong so I don't fall into another co-dependant relationship. I want to become a better person through it all and eventually get involve into a great loving, caring and sharing relationship. It will take some time but I'm no longer afraid to be alone because now I KNOW and BELIEVE I'm worth it!That was my biggest fear for so long,...even before with other realtionships. It's a matter of time before I leave him... I'm now setting up the stage and the logistics to protect myself through it all.

[Overcomer]

S:  I don't know if I am right but here's what I think....................I have been so conditioned to doubt my feelings, to take on guilt that is not mine for the taking, and to allow people (mostly the Ns in my life......) to railroad me into thinking the problem belongs to me, therefore, I feel guilty.  It doesn't take much for me to melt into a puddle of guilt and feel sick, obsess, etc.  I have gotten stronger over the years and my resolve has allowed me to (sometimes) talk myself out of the guilt...but it takes a lot of processing.

Case in point.  As a youth I was brainwashed that I was to do whatever nmom said......no questions............she was always right.....she had a better idea......she had so much wisdom that she could use to "train" me in the game of life..................for years I allowed her to force me into things I did not want to do (like dress like my nmom instead of what I wanted to dress like.........)  If I didn't do that, I would feel guilty.

That was then............case in point for now...................a gossipy n-type friend got caught gossiping when I went to the person she was gossiping about and told them that M said X about you and Y.................well, M (the nfriend) came down on me as if I was the one who did the gossiping...........................and I FELT GUILTY!!!  GUILT!!  BECAUSE I EXPOSED HER AND SHE CAUGHT ME EXPOSING HER AND SHE CALLED ME ON IT............RATHER THAN SAYING "YOU ARE THE STUPID GOSSIP THAT GOT CAUGHT" i said, "Oh, I'm sorry if I spoke out of turn......."

Anyway, all that to say that I think for the most part, we, as victims of Ns live with a lot of guilt.  We were "trained" to feel guilty if we didn't go along with the abuser..............so shake yourself off, vent here on THIS board and we will be here to say - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING - DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!
kELLY