I don't get it......

[Amelia Rose]

I can empathize and understand your thoughts.  This is my thoughts about it.  You are fortunate because you say you have your boundaries - you can turn and walk away.  It's not easy when you aren't totally aware of what you are going thru.  I was married for far too long to an Abuser.  He intentionally withheld affection and conversation.  he was wonderful in the beginning- then we were living together and 6 months later, it's as if someone flipped a switch.  He changed dramatically over night.  Only I was young - in my early 20s.  Alone.  My immediate family was 2500 miles away.  I didn't feel  I could tell them any of my problems.  I didn't feel that I could say "please help me - send me an airplane ticket."  I  felt that I had to be strong and "endure" because that is how I was raised.  If anyone asked how I was - I was trained, I mean raised, to smile and  "Everything was fine."  But that's probably because my mother would "release her frustratons in life on me" and/or correct me, by slapping me and throwing me around.  I would cry so hard that I would sob and it would be hard to breathe.  When it reached that stage- I was told to STOP IT.  Sometimes get smacked for crying.  During the beating - I would be told that "I didn't deserve". And there was "SHAME on you."  When you are beaten for something minor,  or emotionally destroyed by the person  you love most in the world (mother) and being told you don't deserve a wonderful mother like her, and/or I should be ASHAMED - ashamed for what?  living?  Being who I am?  A little girl who just wants to please?  It's hard to turn that kind of thinking off.  Being told I should be "ashamed" and not knowing what I was ashamed of - made me just that.  Ashamed to be me.  Constantly walking around thinking there was something wrong with me.  How dare I be me????  How could I do  such an awful thing?  AND another part of the "control" was to tell me "look - everyone is staring at you.  Look at them looking at you - what do you think they are thinking?"  Well, since my mother obviously thinks I am nothing, it must be true, and  they must think I am worse.
And then after being smacked  around - I guess she was scared I would "tell". So then - the lecture was "don't tell anyone", "I was LUCKY to have her for a mother," and "you don't deserve to have a good mother like  me"   Or - the guilt "what if she dropped dead right now - you would feel so guilty."  Guilt and Shame. 
You can't turn that thinking off even when you know what was done to you is WRONG.  I spent far too many years thinking people  thought the worst of me.  I lived in an abusive relationship where I thought I was "lucky" to be in it.  You have to remember - my mother told me as a toddler until I was grown -that I didn't deserve. 
Not everyone has a support group.  Not everyone gets to go to therapy.  And therapy is only as good as the connection between the patient and the therapist. 
Read about abuse on the websites.  Emotional and mental abuse is a slow  spiral downward.  The abuser is smart - he works on you.  You know something is wrong  but you can't pinpoint it.  he makes it so you will never leave him because you aren't good enough to take of yourself. 
**I finally got out.  I'm still healing. 
Good luck and blessings to all  of  us  who are still finding our way and still recovering.
Oh - and my mother.  I love her dearly.  If she knew what she did - she'd be broken hearted.  She's 90 now. On one of my trips back, she said to me "You know - I had high self esteem until I got married. After I  got married I had such low self esteem.  How about you?  is that how it was for you?"
I told her"No mom, I didn't have high esteem to begin with.  Mine was very low and got worse.  Now it's finally getting better."
Take care.

[pennyplant]

Hi Amelia Rose,

Thank God you got out and are now on the healing path.  Good for you for being honest when you told your mother that your self esteem was low to begin with.  You have a support group now--us.  Lots of people to read and nod their heads in agreement.  Lots of people who know where you're coming from.  Lots of people who were also taught that they were nothing but now know that was false teaching.  It is good to not be alone in this, isn't it? 

Pennyplant

[dragonsamm]

Well, after reading all of these replies, I see even more how much I internalized EVERYTHING, and so easily let go of the anger at the perpetrators.  The anger that I haven't seen in 30 years has manifested itself in my self-abuse.  From negative self-talk to overeating, to anti-social behavior, I couldn't be angry at the parents, after all.  They were only doing what they were programmed to do by THEIR upbringing.  And believe me, what I know of my father's upbringing would have made a monster out of Mother Teresa! 
I don't feel I need to be angry with them personally, just the dynamics that created the situation. 
I remember from a very young age being verbally abused with "shame on you" and "what do you think you're doing?  Now people will think badly of ME!" (as if.....)
My father's moods were so unstable, just walking into a room where he was lecturing a brother got you in trouble for deeds long forgotten (but not by dad!)  Like lightning bolts out of the blue, we never knew what would set him off, and until the age of 5 or so, I was oblivious to the danger, so I walked into the fire repeatedly before I finally learned to be cautious.  Actually, I never learned it well enough, he always found the most incredible accusations I ever heard.  (even when I was out one night with a church group, he found reason to pick a fight)  And I WAS being good!!  Could never win with the guy.
The result of all the abuse has been a litany of beliefs and words and messages running around in my head for absolutely years, teaching me to micro-analyze everything i said, did, wanted, believed, thought, dreamed, imagined, for flaws.  And OF COURSE I found them!!   And there are literally hundreds of these "tapes" that i know I have not even begun to unravel.  The most insidious of them has been, "You're doing it wrong".   I can actually remember being told by one or both parents at some time in my youth that I 1) thought
         2) walked
         3) Ate
         4) talked
         5) slept
         6) laughed
         7) cried
          sat
         9) stood
        10) believed
        11) wrote
        12) sang
       
and  13 ) breathed

            wrong in some way.

And that voice is so persistent, so insidious, that i have spent the past 35 years looking for the "formula", the "right way", the "cure", the "answer" to all of my wrong ways.   Which, of course, is non-existent.
My last counselor helped me understand the value of accepting things as they are.  No, I can't sing on key, but it isn't "wrong", just different than others.  And Ken Wilber's No Boundary helped me understand the value of all things, even what appears to be evil, negativity, etc.
But still, I struggle with it because I don't have a place where I can be just me and ALL of me is OK.  I can't find that peace, that place.  It has become a part of who I am to search for 'fixes'.  To fix the wrongs that just have to be there, nobody's perfect, after all.
Just don't know how to do it.  So, hey, guess what??  I'm "wrong" again!!!   Surprise, surprise!

I am encouraged by your stories, your assertions of regaining 'yourselves'.  Maybe there;s still hope for me  yet.....

 
~dragonsamm~

[GAP]

Wow Amelia Rose, you story of your mother and the way she treated you really brings back memories.  I have to say I'm glad my reaction to my mother's abuse was to become a victim (I should say survivor) vs. an abuser.  One of my sisters received an email from a girl that use to babysit for the older half of the family before my sister was born.  She had read an article about the some of our family members that are in business and wonder if we were the same people.  She wanted to know what had become of me because she remembers how cute, fun and sweet I was.  Do you know that is the only time in my entire life anyone spoke of me as a little girl...I truly thought I was annoying, ugly and hard to be around....I took out a picture of myself as a little girl and realized she was right...I was adorable and looked like someone I would have loved to raise or babysit for.

A therapiist once said to me to raise healthy children all you need to do is let your kids know that if all the kids in all the world were lined up that you would pick them....I burst into tears and said "My mom wouldn't have picked me."  I know she said that is why you are here. I try to let me kids know everyday they are the perfect kids for me.

[Dazed1]

I don't really have time to post, but just want to say a big AMEN to Amelia Rose, Pennyplant, dragon, GAP & Moonlight.

I relate to all the things you're discussing and it's both liberating and painful to hear.

Wishing love, strength and peace of mind to you all.

dazed

[GAP]

The result of all the abuse has been a litany of beliefs and words and messages running around in my head for absolutely years, teaching me to micro-analyze everything i said, did, wanted, believed, thought, dreamed, imagined, for flaws. And OF COURSE I found them!! And there are literally hundreds of these "tapes" that i know I have not even begun to unravel.

Wow Moon you really hit it on the head.  I use to micro-analyze everything...try to see things from every point of view, always thought I made people behave badly...try to always prove I was right because I was told I was so wrong my entire childhood.  I know I'm getting better because my reaction to bad behavior is no longer what did I do but rather what is wrong with that person? 

One of my many brother, one that is not enlightened, recently said to me that he felt two of the siblings in the family had decided as young children to spend their entire life bothering my mother hence her abusive behavior.  When I asked what I did to deserve it he said nothing other then be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  He spent two hours justifying abusive behavior and alcohol abuse, saying it must have been rough to have to raise all those kids.  He was so righteous and really thought he was analyizing our family from a superior point of view.  It was so pathetic.  He happened to be one of the kids that my mother would have picked so he had a good experience, the ones that weren't on her favorite list deserved any abuse as far as he was concerned because  the rules of conduct and behavior were clear to him and he followed them and was treated well.  The one that were not her favorites could have figured out away to make her less abusive and she possibly would have drank less.  I swear if you watched our conversation in a movie you wouldn't belief anyone could think the way he does but he is rather invested in keeping up the fantasy.  Come to think of it that conversation was another conversation were I was trying desperately to get my brother to see my point was right:. "Children do not bring abuse on themself." but I was talking to a wall.