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Anonymous:
sjkravill,

I believe narcissism is a spectrum. And I believe it's possible to be relatively happily married to a "mild" narcissist. I'm married to one. But we need to be in couples therapy all the time. You might try couples therapy (with a good therapist) who will confront the controlling, sadistic parts of your husband. I believe that sadism and kindness coexist in each of us. But our sadism needs to be recognized and controlled. If your husband doesn't recognize his own sadism, in my opinion probably a therapist needs to intervene.

bunny

Anonymous:
Hi Sjkravill, I agree with bunny. Couples counselling is often a good place to start especially if you're unsure if he has NPD and being so newly married. This way he won't feel alienated and you've said he loves you. A spouse with PD is often easily recognised by a good counsellor so I would try to find one who has experience in this area. Unfortunately this means a lot of time on the phone or if you post a general location maybe someone here can recommend somebody. Does your husband have someone in his family that he was mistreated by. Parent or older brother or sister? He may not be a N but he seems to have learned some strange ways of loving and coping in a relationship. Is he like this with his other family members? I suppose I'm asking these questions not for you to answer me but to think about if he relates dysfunctionally with others who he's close to or do you feel it's a secret side just for you especially. Seeker made a some good points about early days in a marriage, and sometimes it's harder for one party than another to get into the deeper intimacy requirements thing. These problems you've already experienced can't afford to be ignored even if you go through a nice loving time at the moment. You're smart in recognising and not ignoring and addressing the problems so early in the game.

Guest

Anonymous:
I thank you all for your thoughtful, kind empathetic posts.
I never immagined how cathartic, validating, and helpful a message board community could be.

I hope beyond hope that this is just a "first few years of marriage" problem.  But at the same time, I am exhausted....Trying to buck up.  I don't want my marriage to be over.  I just want a real relationship, to feel mutual honor and respect.

We have tried counseling twice. In order to get him to go I took the blame and said I needed his help.  The first counselor was a Southern man who said I wasn't doing my job in the "wife" role.  We agreed to fire him.
A few months later I persuaded him to try it again.  He was set against it.  We went about 5 times but he complained about it every time, and got mad at me for things I said during counseling.  Finally he had to go on a business trip.  When he came back he never asked about or mentioned counseling.  I decided I was tierd of taking too much of the responsibility.  So, I called the counselor and said we were stopping for now.

That was the first of several limits I have begun to setting.
I will not take full responsibility for our relationship. I will not initiate emotional connection until I feel respected. Nor will I sleep in the same bedroom with him until he learns what respecting my boundries means.
He fluxuates between lashing out, making nice, and feeling hurt.  
I cannot explain it to him anymore.

He can be very sweet.  But sweet or disrespectful I think both behaviors are about his needs....  He was mistreated as a child, by his father, and worshiped by his mother.  Although we don't seem to have much in common, and I don't feel respected,  I just see this hurt child when I look at him.  He does love me, and would be lost without me.  But genius businessman IQ  that he is, I don't think he knows how to conceptualize this, emotionally.  

Wow!  well, thanks for reading and being so kind and helpful.

ps. I am dyslexic so please excuse my terrible spelling!

Anonymous:
Gingerpeach,
Thank you so much for your brave post.   Your experience touched me at the core, and brings me to awareness that I am, for some reason, NOT ready to accept.  (however true) I Have had two panic attacks in my married life (never before "N").  Once while I was driving with him because he has always been critical of my driving.  It was AWFUL!  I was also depressed for the first 6-8 months of our marriage, but both seem to be under control.
 I can't believe other people have experiences so similar to my own.  I thought my situation was  really bizarre.  I am not glad for how you have been hurt, but I am greatful that you have been able to reach out to me.
While I just can't face it now, because of your post, I will be more aware of signs that my health is deterriorating to a point where I seriously have to get out.  I know this constant anxiety is bad for me now, but I just can't loose hope now.
Thankyou.

Anonymous:
Sjkravill :) Hi

Don't worry about your spelling. Your spelling's fine and this site isn't about spelling it's about lives and in this instance, your life. Since you've tried couples counselling and it hasn't worked and for me not only didn't it work but I finally learned that in my particular set of circumstances it was actually undesirable. It made N too angry to go home with. Have you got a mentor, counsellor or personal therapist. I had to go through a few to find a good personal therapist and it was worth the every failure and all the effort. She's been able to help me see how to break free from the net I was choking in, and see things more objectively that were constricting me and I didn't know it. This might be worth looking into, learning to look after yourself first and foremost is so important even in a marriage. Doesn't mean you love him less it just means you love yourself more equally. You want what's best for yourself too. Not him first. I still love him but I've learnt that I need to protect myself from aspects of him that are unhealthy and uncaring. Sometimes only an outsider can help you here because as wives we are so heavily leaned on so often that it's easy to ignore our own needs and eventually allow subtle and sometimes not so subtle abuse to take root and build as I did. I helped my husband become very successful in business too and it was at a huge cost to myself which I got little thanks for at the end of the day. He's responding. Now I have expectations that my quality of life be good with him, and express them clearly and assertively and have learned ways to not let him off the hook. So from where I've come from this is enormous progress. But I had to get help and not give up and have to keep my own health, happiness, peace and security at the top of the priority list, maybe for a long time before I think I can ever trust him to consider it first.

Guest

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