Sex and the teenaged daughter

[Portia]

I won't ask (((((((((((((((((((Bean)))))))))))))))))

This is the bug-ger that our govts are really worried about because it just might add heavily to the declining birth rates: http://www.cdc.gov/std/Chlamydia/STDFact-Chlamydia.htm#WhatIs

Thank goodness teens now have school counselling and the internet. I wish I'd had these things!

[Jynna]

Kelly,

I wanted to add that I think it's very important to tell your daughter that just because she said yes this time, it doesn't mean that she can never say no again.  Lots of boys will use the "yes" against the girl later, "don't you love me anymore" "don't you love me as much as him" etc.  Some girls feel like once they go all the way, then they lose their right to say no the next time. She needs to know that she can always say No at ANYtime.

Good luck, Kelly!

[Brigid]

Pb,

So...another myth demistified

The danger of having genital warts is not any kind of myth.  It can very often lead to HPV, which then leads to cervical cancer.  80% of women will carry the HP virus by the time they are 50.  Not all will turn into cervical cancer, thankfully, but it often does.  For those of us getting regular paps, it is not too much of a threat, as it will be caught early, but then a complete hysterectomy is necessary. 

I didn't say that having genital warts would lead to infertility, I said it can.  You are still young.  Make sure you keep getting those pap smears every year.

Brigid

[Overcomer]

You know, I have said to daughter that even though she did it, that I still feel she is way too young to get into those situations.  Plus her dad called last night and started talking to her about addiction and STDs, etc. etc.  When I was young it was "sex, and drugs and rock and roll......"  I was a bad kid but I realize now how much I regret those decisions.  And I told my d that I have so many friends from that late 70s era that had had abortions and STDs, pubic lice, and some are full blown alcoholics and druggies to this day.  And it may seem glamorous to a kid but when a 46 year old women makes a complete ass of herself, it is not a pretty sight.  And that ugliness that prevails today all started when my friend had sex in 9th grade - this girl had sex before she even started her period.  Not saying that you can't make bad choices in your youth and come out just fine - but I have seen too many of my high school friends spiral out of control...

[Portia]

Kelly

this might seem like a stupid question, but have you asked your D why she had sex, with whom and is the relationship serious to her?

Have you given her a chance to speak about this, to give her opinions - or are you and her dad telling her what to do?

What does she say?

[Overcomer]

Yes, I KNOW who the boy is.  He is her boyfriend.  I asked her if she was in love with him.  She said, "yes, I guess."  She told me they were both virgins.  I know WHY she did it.  Because her best friend is doing it and telling her that they are old enough, etc.  If this girl told her to jump off a bridge, she would.  So I told her I wanted her to stop hanging with this girl so much because she just wasn't making good choices.  D said, I plan on it.  She also walked by and wouldn't look at my friend that told me about it.  Usually she runs right up and hugs her.  I told my friend to go up to her and say "You get over here and hug me."  And they say something like "I still love you even though your mom AND I think you have made a poor choice.."  This is the daughter who always fesses up when she screws up - she cannot lie for some reason and if she tries to she cannot pull it off.

I decided to not do the whole punitive thing because it just didn't work on me.  My mom tried the whole shame game and all it did was make me feel really bad about myself as a person and my self esteem has suffered my whole life.  A better strategy would have been - you blew it but everyone makes mistakes!!!  You are still an AWESOME person!!  And that is what I have done with daughter.  Bad decision - awesome girl!!

[gratitude28]

Kelly,
I think your view of the situation is right on! Making her feel dirty or wrong is not going to help or change anything and might lead her farther in the wrong direction.An open, healthy line of communication and the fact that she knows that what she did is not good and should not be repeated until she is in a loving mature relationship is the right information. It sounds to me like she isn't so thrilled about what she did...
Love, Beth

[Brigid]

Kelly,
I think you did the absolute right thing.  Shaming is never a good parenting strategy, imo.  But you let her know that the choice she made was disappointing to you, but it is not a life sentence and you still think she is a wonderful girl.  She can make better choices where sex and boys are concerned in the future--and it needs to be HER choice, not driven by what friends are doing.  I agree that if this one particular friend is the problem, then their time spent together should be limited.  It sounds like she is coming to that decision on her own, too--which is great.

Another aspect of the whole sex and teenager thing that I feel is important to talk about is the affect that drugs and alcohol can have on those decisions regarding sex.  I got date raped because I was drunk and didn't have the good decision-making ability to get away from the situation.  When teens are impaired (can certainly apply to adults as well), they can be much more easily swayed into making a choice to have sex, or to have unprotected sex, when they would probably have made a better choice when clear-headed.

Good job, Kelly.

Brigid

[Portia]

Ditto, you did all the right things Kelly

[Plucky]

Kelly, you are being so calm and good about this.  I know I would not be anything near as levelheaded as you are!  Well, done.
BTW, so you can get genital warts from a jacuzzi!!!!!!!!!  Waaaaah!

a germophobe
Plucky

[Brigid]

Hi All,
I just wanted to bring this topic forward because I now have personal experience.  I had my annual pap smear last week and the results have come back as positive for high risk HPV.  My doctor (whom I love) told me I should not have anxiety about this as most likely there is nothing going on (easy for him to say).  However, I do have to go back in next week for an additional test to see if there are any growths in the cervical lining.

Hopefully there is nothing going on and I am just one of the 80% of women who by age 50 test positive for HPV, but it has not become cancerous.  I have never had any kind of STD and went through the complete battery of tests 2 years in a row within the last 3 years.

Ladies, keep getting those pap tests!

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Do you mean one of the strains of HPV that increase cervical cancer risk, Brigid?
I'm very sorry.

But I am certain that because you are diligent with the monitoring, anything they find
could be quickly removed.

About 12 years ago I had a "LEEP" procedure that removed about a third of my cervix
because of some odd cells. The pathologist couldn't identify them as malignant but they
were "atypical" so the gyn went for it. There have been no abnormalities since, none.

Just hope that cheers you a little. Thanks a lot for sharing this, Brig...you may save
somebody a lot of unecessary suffering.

I'm sorry you had the alarm, but early warning is ultimately a blessing.   

Are you okay? ((((((((((Brigid))))))))))

Hops

[Brigid]

Hops,

Do you mean one of the strains of HPV that increase cervical cancer risk, Brigid?

Yes, it would be one of the genital strains.  Once the HPV is identified by the pap test, they do additional screening to determine the risk level.  I don't pretend to understand what all is involved, but my test came back "high risk."  There is still a low percentage chance that it could (or has) become cervical cancer since I get screened annually and this is my first abnormal one ever.  The next test involves a special light being shined into the cervix which can detect any abnormal cell growth.  Fortunately nothing painful. 

I just went through an ultrasound exam and uterine biopsy about a month ago due to some abnormal bleeding.  They were concerned about uterine cancer in that case, but all those tests were negative, thankfully.

I'm very sorry.

But I am certain that because you are diligent with the monitoring, anything they find
could be quickly removed.

Thanks, Hops.  Yes, I'm sure you're right and I am not losing sleep over it, but it was one more thing I just didn't need to deal with right now.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes.

Love,
B.

[Overcomer]

Hey all..........I had an abnormal pap test a few years ago and had a cone biopsy.  Now they are talking that genital warts and this HPV virus can rear its ugly head and turn into full blown cervical cancer.  That's why this whole yearly pap test is soooo important.  Well, I had a couple of STDs as a young (stupid) person.  I guess for the rest of my life I have to be diligent to keep on top of all that!!  Just another reason my teenaged daughter needs to keep her pants on.  I had a talk with her boyfriend and her and it looks like they are going to back off from one another..................hopefully.