A Visit From The Narcissist's Mother

[tony001]

For those of you unfamiliar with my story:
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3/index.php?topic=3361.0

Long story short I realized my parents are Ns, Mom not so bad as my stepdad who "raised" me from age 6, I'm 36 now.
I haven't spoke with him in 18 months, I've actually reached out to him only to be alienated because I suspect he's waiting for an unconditional apology for all of the harm I've caused him and Mother. He's gonna be waitin' a long time for that apology.

A couple of weeks ago his mom was in town, who he calls by her first name BTW which I find strange. His mom comes by to see me and basically blamed me for the whole situation, saying that "he's the Dad" and that I should call him because he just "wants to have a little talk" I told her that the only thing that would change this situation is for him to GIVE. To do something he has never done to GIVE instead of TAKE. I'm tired of being the one to mosey up to him, head bowed, with the puppy dog "I'm sorry Dad" thing. It's his turn dammit, call me and tell me that you love me if you do at all. I don't think he does so that's why things are the way they are.

I explained to her that he cannot respect boundaries and rules when it comes to my child (he wants to project his image onto my son, I know it, I see it.) She says "Well, he just wants the kind of relationship his Grandfather had with him." And I said "He wants...He wants..., this is all about what he wants, not what my son and I want or even need but rather about HIS needs and wants."

I'm sick of the blame, the guilt, the anger. They are all tools being used in an attempt to manipulate me.
I find it interesting that our feelings and emotions, something the N is devoid of is the very tool they use to manipulate us with. He's relying on MY emotions to resolve this issue.

She said "Tony, you know he's never going to call you. That's just the way he is." Sorry but I can't accept that as an answer. Is it me?

[SilverLining]

Just a couple of impressions I get from your description.  It seems typical manipulative N-ish behavior.   She tries to play off a defined role:  "he's the dad" thus it becomes your responsibility to bend because some unwritten set of rules about family relationships say you have to.  Maybe in your family system or mine this is the way it works, but is it the way it SHOULD work?   Is this a functional relationship?

And it seems she has accepted the basic premise he doesn't have to bend at all.  "thats just the way he is".  So the burden all falls on you.  The roles get reversed and you end up parenting him. 

I've been there.  I remember when some of the light first started hitting me (and I just happened to be about 35 or so at the time).   My mother tried to rationalize my fathers behavior with the same sort of emotional arguments. 

[Hopalong]

Hi Tony...

Could this be the gift within the problem?

"Tony, you know he's never going to call you...."

Hopalong

[tony001]

Hi Tony...

Could this be the gift within the problem?

"Tony, you know he's never going to call you...."

Hopalong

It does seem to be the problem and the solution all wrapped up together in one neat package.

[gratitude28]

Tony,
If I am understanding correctly, you are hoping for something that won't happen. I am so sorry. It takes some time to absorb the fact that our minds have filled in what wasn't there for all of our lives. Do you know what I mean? Have you seen the drawings where they leave out a part of it and your mind fills in the missing pieces... an optical illusion? I think we do the same with Nparents. They filled a role... and we know from reading and movies and others what that entire role should be, so we fill in the blanks.
((((((((((((((((((((Tony))))))))))))))))

[tony001]

You're right gratitude28, I am coming to terms with this fact.

It's called Gestalt psychology where the mind fills in the missing pieces.