Healing my anxiety.

[gratitude28]

GS,
I hear you. I am feeling a lot of that this weekend as well. I adore my kids, but my world has narrowed down to them now. I am not doing much for me and I have so many committments. I actually feel despondent... not angry. I almost wish I felt angry. I just feel like I am drudging along and sometimes I wonder if I will get back to being happy. (I KNOW I will, but I don't FEEL I will).
((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hey GS,
When you take that searching inventory, how are you planning to protect yourself from self-loathing as you look at your resentments?

What I mean is, I hope you won't add resenting yourself for being resentful, instead of all perfectly fixed up and functional, to your list of things to inventory. (You ARE healing and growing as fast as you can. Your pace is just right. You are doing it just right.)

You really really really really do deserve your own love. That is the frame for the whole puzzle of your life. Once you have those anchoring frame pieces, you can fill in the rest one at a time...

So will you please be loving to my friend GS?

Hops

[Hopalong]

Moon, hon...

YOUR strong core gives strength to mine.
You are such a generous, kind soul.

Thank you.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for your thoughts.

Hops
"I hope you won't add resenting yourself for being resentful,"
I think it will be coming out of a pocket of denial.  I do have some self loathing that I'm
not yet in touch with but I'm not afraid of adding resentment of myself.  But it is time
to life the veil on this old stuff.

CouldBe123
You have given words to what I am struggling with--and it has made the struggle bearable.
Thanks CouldBe123, it is such an added gift that putting my words out here helps someone else.
It has double weight because in my FOO my contributions were not welcomed or were derided.
That is definitely one of the resentments I have buried and one of the fears I have carried through
in life. 

I'm started posting on another site called www.anxietyzone.com and I get very few replies.  I
noticed that it was bothering me and as I have begun opening the doors to my fears and
resentments I realized it felt like a big rejection, especially in comparison to this site.


Moonlight
When I feel loving detachment all resentment is gone
That's the key isn't it moonlight - the detachment?  I am tryinng to conjure up past experiences
of pain, rejection, shame and to view them with a different perspective, to change the emotional
charge and loving detachment is the key to that.  I think this the key to that process.  In doing this
I can let go the emotional pain I am carrying through to today.  I need to be reminded of this over and
over again - loving detachment.

Thank you all.  So very helpful, so very kind.  I am drinking it in and am thankful for it.
your friend - Gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

I'm learning a little more about my relationship between anxiety and resentment.  A dream last night revealed more about the conflict I had
early on about feeling like I belonged and fearing rejection simultaneously from family and friends.  The fear was unconscious, but I see it clearly
now, and it was a monster ruling underground, disrupting and ruling my life, my goals, my desires.  This monster fed my resentments and like the
monster, resentment lived underground out of sight and sound. 

I am angry about it.  I see how my suppressed fear of rejection was really an expectation of rejection, a lookout for any sign of rejection, a labeling of
any possible action as rejection and followed by a resentment of that expected rejection.  I, unconsciously, viewed the world - my family and friends and school
as hot beds of rejection and I lashed out in sarcasm and bitterness.  Big surprise that by late 20s it all caught up with me. 

As I recently wrote - I see all to clearly that I waited, hoped for, needed someone to save me. (that someone was clearly my father - the NPD)  I fell into learned helplessness and sought help by playing a "poor pitiful me" card - unable to see how that pushed people away and unwilling to change even though it clearly
sent prospective suitors fleeing and gave some friends ammo against me.  But now I do understand and am very, very thankful.

I see clearly that I MUST get beyond the "poor me" attitude and behavior, get beyong this "learned helplessness", the "neediness".  I am a strong person
who has great potential to be self reliant and I see that as coming up.  The thought of self sufficiency no longer frightens me as it did not so long ago.
I take that as a sign of healing. 

I am making progress.  It is painful, but I am thankful.

Thanks for listening - Gaining Strength

[pennyplant]

I am angry about it.  I see how my suppressed fear of rejection was really an expectation of rejection, a lookout for any sign of rejection, a labeling of
any possible action as rejection and followed by a resentment of that expected rejection.  I, unconsciously, viewed the world - my family and friends and school
as hot beds of rejection and I lashed out in sarcasm and bitterness. 

This describes a major theme of my life.  I guess it starts out from being rejected by your parents.  I think that's how it started out with me.  Always, I was obsessed with knowing, how did other people, other kids, really feel about me?  I remember wishing I had a lie detector machine that I could hook up to people and see if what they said about me reflected how they really felt about me.  Good thing I didn't have such a machine!  I wasn't really ready to hear the truth!  I wasn't ready in my thirties when I heard both my parents say if they had it to do over again they wouldn't have had children, not even me!  So, I guess I needed that denial during my childhood in order to get through those years.

It's still hard for me to understand how people like each other.  It seems to me that people like those who have some kind of power or who think  highly of themselves.  It doesn't always seem to be based on anything that I would think is valuable such as being nice and listening to each other, helping each other, enjoying each other's company.  At work people will say, well I get along with so and so, she's nice.  And I'll think, so and so is lazy and selfish and makes extra work for others, that's not nice.  And when so and so yells at someone else in order to get out of being helpful, and no one yells back and it turns out not to have been such a bad thing because at least so and so is nice.  And I don't understand that.  People yell right back at me.  All the work I do on my insides, and I'm still B-list.  I think I always will be in certain circles.  So, I think that possible rejection is real rejection often enough.  Just that some people are fortunate enough not to see it or not care.

I really just don't understand rejection, acceptance, liking, disliking, etc.  But I started out being rejected.  That was my formative experience of society.  I think I'm just more tuned into it than people whose parents didn't reject them.  Maybe I take on that role in society or groups.  But I'm unaware of how it works in the nitty gritty.  It seems like rejection is a thing that others get to decide as well.  And they often do.  Decide to reject someone.  Out of hand.

I can see how it would continuously feed anxiety.

PP

[Hopalong]

About to dash, but have a quick response to this important stuff!

I think the practice (and more practice, and more) of setting boundaries regularly and without ferocity creates the freedom to see others without suspicion.

If you can take care of yourself because you practice (and practice) setting boundaries without ferocity, then you are freer to take the risk of trusting. Because after enough boundary setting practice, you will have your own well-being in mind instinctively, and not have to strain to protect it. So if someone disappoints you, you will be okay, because you won't have allowed them to take over your mind or life completely in the first place, and you'd be more resilient about inevitable and ordinary disappointment, and move on to more positive and reciprocal relationships.

Hope that's not garbled.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - that makes sense to me, much like Moonlight's "loving detachment."

Pennyplant - I had this strange dream last night.  I was at a party at this really cool office - very modern, with magnificent glass tables with colorful LED lighting, marvelous drinks that lit up (sort of like the ice bars in Scandanavia).  And of course the party guests were
really cool as well - chic, beautiful, handsome, decked out.  I was talking to someone and could tell that he was really put off.  I was
convinced that it was his attitude and as i walked around this kind of platform he was on another guest intervened and made it clear that the person out of line was me.  It was such a weird feeling.  i was out of line and had no idea how.  The rest of the dream was on the same order.  Everywhere I went and everyone I talked to sort of included me - just sort of.

When I woke up I knew immediately that these feelings were typical of my life (not the setting).  But late this afternoon, while I was
playing with my son I suddenly had this image that I was that young man who initially was put off by my comment.  I suddenly felt what it was like to be calm, cool, confident and I was not interested in this person who did not get it.

I think that is what goes on with people in this world.  They don't need and don't care for being with people who are simply "nice".  They want to be with people who can get something for them.  - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Hi GS,
I heard an interesting theory of dream interpretation. That you, or a part of you, is every element and person in your dream.

If you thought of it that way, what part of you would be...

the cool beautiful office
lit glass tables
chic, "together", beautiful partygoers
a "put off" young man
a critical (intervening) guest

??

(Another theory I like is that we dream always of our hopes or our fears. I think both theories work!)

What a bold explorer you are, GS.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - how lovely.  I think both theories can show a variety of perspectives.  Thank you for sharing that.

I woke this morning and used images to create a fearless place for me.  So for the first time in - I don't know how long - perhaps years - I was aible to get out of bed with out dread.  This is what I must hold on to.  I am going to take my medicine anyway but
I think I am getting better.  I am even able to think of some difficult  stuff and not get overwhelmed.  This is a good sign.
I am practicing being different personae.  I guess it is sort ohis morning I put on the personae of someone  like acting but as I was posting my last post above, writing to Pennyplant, I suddenly saw that moving forward is like trying on different personae and then you Hops wrote about being  everyone lovingly healing me of anxiety.  I put myself inside of her - what she must feel like.  She felt kind and loving and anxious free, and suddenly I felt anxious free.  Then I started putting on the knowledge that it will all work out
and again I felt anxious free.  That is an interesting way to detach but that is the key isn't it. 

Pennyplant - try it with those co-workers.  Detach.  When they say someone is nice, view them with a knowing kindness, knowing that they are short sighted.  Let the knowing feel like an adult to a child as though they will grow out of their childish thoughts.  Then you will feel a kindness towards them and everything will shift.  Don't want to feel kindness towards them?  Try to understand why.  Is it because they don't feel kindness towards you?  If so that is a touch of resentment.  Try to release it. OK who am I to pass on the new knowledge.  I don't know but I am passing it on because I care about you as my friend and I believe what I am writing.  your friend - Gaining Strength
in the dream.  I can put on the personae of someone competent. 

[pennyplant]

GS--I will try it.  The way I'm approaching the people at work now is just not working for me on the inside.  So, I will try your suggestion.  At least now I am capable of trying something like this because I do believe it works.  Earlier in my life I didn't believe it was possible to change my feelings by changing my thoughts.  But I was wrong about that!  Thanks for your suggestion.

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

Pennyplant - practice on past experiences.  That is a good way to get ready.  Also practice on future experiences that don't go well.

Once when I was in college, I lived in a house with 9 other women.  One was always on my case about my leaving books on the dining room table (which was huge and never used for eating).  Though her request was not unreasonable I anticipated it for days before the actual confrontation.  I planned my vile, venemous responce and practiced it in my mind over and over.  And surprise, surprise - she did confront me and I did respond with screaming and name calling.  I was completely out of line.  We never had a semblence of a friendship again.

I often use that to remind myself of how expectation, and planned response can so readily come to fruition.  Unfortunately my experience has been in the negative.  But I am convinced that the same process can be used for the positive.  In recent months I
have tried it in small instances and seen it work.  I need to put it in to practice again, especially now that my anxiety is receding.

I have not been in touch with a club that I belong to and to which I have some responsibilities.  The deeper in the dog house I get the more difficult it is for me to do something about it.  We have a huge project on December 6th for which I have dropped the ball.  I am going to try this very concept out to make communications and find my way back.  I do believe in it.  I'll report back how I envisioned my plan and how it worked, and I am interested to hear how things begin to change for you at work.

My heart and prayers are with you - your dear friend - Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

GS,
I think I will follow your lead and start envision a nice place in the morning. Lately I am hopping out of bed to "face the day and get it over with."That is not a happy place and not where I was a while back. For a long time, I was loving every part of my day... going downstairs and making and drinking that first cup of coffee. Spending some time with the kids over breakfast, playing on the computer a bit before bed, taking a nice bath. Now it's all rush, rush, rush and I am not enjoying any of it. I drink the coffee to wake me up, I take the bath so I don't smell. I play the games because I am bored...
So... more of your on-target ideas???????? You seem to be getting so on track!!!!! It has been so marvellous to see you grow and bloom, GS.
Love, Beth

[pennyplant]

GS,

I want to encourage you in your goal of getting back on track with your club's project.  It is not too late!!!  They will be grateful, no doubt, that you're ready to try it again.  Many years ago, I organized a celebration for an organization I am in.  One of the members offered to arrange for a singing group to attend and entertain us.  It got very close to the time of the party and it turned out she had not made the arrangements.  I was pretty surprised and disappointed but truly, at any point up to the last minute, I would have been thrilled if she had just pulled it together and did what she could.  I mean, I had no way myself to arrange for performers.  As it turned out, her husband found a group at the last minute and we were saved.  What I'm saying here is, not to worry about what people may think about the lateness.  Be assured that people will just be glad for whatever you decide to do at this point.  It is brave and very cool to just say, you know what, I've been slow but I'm ready now and I will fix this the best I can.  That is actually an admirable thing to do.

See, we will be working on important issues at the very same time!  We're both ready, I guess!!

PP

[gaining strength (guest)]

That's it Pennyplant.  Thank you for your encouragement.
This is the first experience in my life that I have had of
confessing a problem and having encouragement to get
back on track.  

Is that what happens in normal families?  Why are we
able to do it for each other here?  I don't understand
these things but I am so thankful for how we help
each other.  

I always felt that I could engage with others and
encourage and receive and respond to encouragement.
We do seem to have that in common here.  Why have
had such a hard time finding it in our lives?  We all seem
so capable of giving real support and help.  That is a
mystery to me.

Thank you Pennyplant.  I am going to spend time tonight
and tomorrow envisioning myself getting back on track with
this commitment.  This is a real turning point in my life.
Thanks to you and to all here.  - Gaining Strength