A couple things related to this topic:
GS, I thought of you today and hoped you are having better luck with your next goal than I had with mine this morning! I was determined to put a new spin on how I approach my least favorite co-worker. So, didn't she decide to call in sick today? Where I work we say, "banged in" for when someone just doesn't really feel like coming in. I guess she really does have a cold or whatever. But three people were already off today due to the holiday and the same amount of work has to be done no matter how many people are there. So, it is a big deal to call in. None of us would do such a thing on such a day unless it was serious. It's a big deal for those of us who show up every day, that is, regardless of how we feel. Anyway, I wasn't very "kind" in my thoughts or words. It was such a struggle to make as few comments as I did. She ended up coming in late once the supervisor clued her in on just what she was doing to the rest of us. It is so hard to disengage from someone when their pathetic actions have a direct impact on your life. So, tomorrow I will try again with disengaging and not taking it personally. Just working on my own actions which are the only ones I can control. Boy, is it hard! But I will start over each day with this until it feels more natural. I'm not going to give up on this. If I can disengage from someone who triggers me so easily and deeply, then I can do even better with simpler situations. It will be worth it to learn this.
The idea of healing anxiety has apparently been spinning around in my subconscious, too. Last night I had a dream that I was in a huge hotel that caught fire and we all slowly made our way out to escape. I watched people be in danger and feared that I was in danger myself. It was very vivid at the time and somewhat frightening. It made me think of anxiety because certain kinds of fear and anxiety in me make me feel like I am burning up. Is that the cortisol at work? I haven't had that feeling much lately. But I have woken up with it in the past and have felt it around certain people or after thinking I was in trouble for something. In thinking about my dream last night it reminded me that when I lost someone important to me four years ago (I've posted about this previously--my first emotional affair) the feeling I carried around with me, constantly, for months, was a feeling like I was on fire inside. That is the only way I can describe it. Just burning up all the time. And back then I thought it was grief for my loss. And maybe grief was the cause of it. But now I wonder if I was basically suffering from one very long, very severe anxiety attack. My dream reminded me of the burning sensation and that it had previously always been something I experienced due to fear or anxiety. It never occurred to me until my dream that the experience of four years ago was the same sensation only it was continuous.
Anyway, that was kind of an "aha" for me but I'm not sure what to do with this particular insight yet. However, it does give me something new to think about and I believe it will lead to major healing if I continue to figure it out. It just never occurred to me that I might have actually had an anxiety attack that lasted for several months. I managed to function during that time but it wasn't easy! This idea gives me some new angles from which to approach my future path.
Pennyplant
on edit: Oh, and GS, you're welcome. I'm glad to offer what encouragement I can. I am glad we can all help each other here. I often wonder myself if that is what other families are like, the ones without personality disorders. I was never taught to be supportive of others, but I eventually taught myself how to do that with my own family. It seemed like common sense to me to change my ways. I'm glad the qualities of caring and supportiveness seem to be natural aspects of human beings who don't have disorders. Even not being taught properly, it can still rise to the surface eventually it seems. Thank God!
