Twenty week plan!

[WRITE]

well, we'll see! I will go with my instincts and if he is abusive I will stop spending time with him. I think I can set boundaries with him, if I can with ex I can with anyone!

No, it's not a 'hopeful parade' and you're not raining on it Hops. It's a strong attraction and I feel strong enough to see where it goes. There was another guy last year who was really sweet but that didn't work out and I didn't fall apart, quite the opposite. It was useful to show which things I still have hang-ups about.

I like your colour-coding, though I have to say- these are all qualities someone could see in me also. Us creative types are pretty big show-offs, and being bipolar introduces a certain grandiosity to my own behaviour at times...

I feel confident to handle the relationships in my life these days, I am finding that things which used to be huge setbacks are just blips now, I am developing the emotional resilience I was hoping to.

I still sense and feel things strongly, and have the mood swings, but  am not as reactive or taking so much personally. I think I can take a chance on dating now if i take it slowly.

[Gaining Strength]

This man may well just be another stage in my development away from that....

You have received so very good feedback from some people who you know care about you and you are willing to take a risk.  I believe that we must be willing to risk in order to grow.  Do proceed cautiously and whatever happens - remember this is not an "I told you so" kind of place. 

Again, I think you have good antennae.  Be sure to use them. Enjoy getting out there - with both eyes open. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Bingo, Write.
You sound strong and clear.

(And I sounded bossy. I'm sorry.)

I'm a bit ragged and I sure do project when I'm that way.

Thanks for responding with strength and courtesy.
You're a love.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - you were not writing to me but I spent some time last night thinking about this dialogue.  I didn't think you sounded bossy.  I think you sounded like a true friend willing to take a risk and voice her sincere thoughts.  I only hope that you will do that with me.  I on the other hand took the quite easy "good cop" role.  Sort of mousy of me.  But I admire your courage here.  It gives me a sense of true relationship existing here.  So for myself, as someone engaged in the dialogue, I am thankful for your forthrightness. - GS

[Hopalong]

Wow, GS.
(Write, excuse the digression...but it's a biggie for me.)

GS, do you have laser beams for spectacles?    Thank you.

What you spotted in my exchange with Write, above, is exactly what I do with my daughter and other people too. And for the same reasons. It's second-guessing myself when I didn't do anything cruel in the first place. My motive is fear of disapproval or abandonment. And I need to get better as spotting that fear for what it is and be okay about a hint of disagreement. Jeez, I really am gutless sometimes. Wow.

((((((Write)))))) thanks for the space

((((((((GS))))))) as ever, illlumination

love,
Hops

[axa]

Hops,

I dont think you sounded bossy either, I think you sounded caring and concerned.  When I read your post Write, my stomach went AHHHHHHHHHHH maybe my projection.  I love that we care about each other so much here.  I value the honesty and the true friendship I see here. 

I think your post about second guessing yourself was very interesting.  I do this also.  What was the motivation etc.  Sometimes we act from our hearts from a place of care of others.  So NON N.

If I meet a guy you all will be the first to know and I will ask you to walk with me through whatever happens.  I trust the truth of people here.

Write - good luck and do take care.

axa

[WRITE]

It can be useful having someone say what you may not want to hear. I just thought you were voicing an opinion Hops, and urging me not to get involved with someone whose traits you were wary of.

It didn't make me defensive at all, I just thought about it some more.

The only thing I can think is it is my new church, and if it didn't work out would he or I be upset to work and worship together....but I have a track record of workign through difficulties now, even with really painful people. And I don't think he's that.

I'll be very in the moment next time I see him.

Also I am finding it very useful to keep very busy at the start of a new relationship- even been out with all my guy friends and groups of friends more, so I don't start daydreaming or obsessing too much, also feel like I have lots of options and alternatives ( which I do )

I actually feel quite attractive for the first time in years! Part of that is that ex isn't undermining it too I think- he clearly finds me very attractive too. I know that doesn't really matter any more in one sense, but in another it is so indicative of his progress- that he enjoys the fact his ex wife who no longer wants him is healing...

I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to see that and feel hopeful for his future too.

Well, think I'll go walk the dog and go see a movie then swim, life is full of good things these days, and I've been with other people all week so a few solitary hours will clear my head.

Thanks for caring about me, you are all so kind.

Love

~W

[gratitude28]

Hops, (and sorry write to butt in on your line here)
I do the same thing... try to be helpful and then think maybe I was wrong to do it. Were you conditioned that way? I am almost sure I was. I remember my mother quitting smoking. Then she started again. I gave her an ugly look when she lit up and she startes screaming (with my fiance visiting), "Why do you hate me?" And if I ever ask about a diet or self-improvememnet thing she is doing (they are weekly and she talks about them, so I think it will be helpful to ask sometimes) she gets nasty and mean. Like one time lately, I asked if she was still not smoking (they quit about the same time I quit drinking - I live far away so I don't know what they are up to) ahe got really nasty and said, "Yeah, and are you drinking yet?" Then she realized it was a horrible think to spat out and tried to backpedal.
So I know that's why I am quick to retract any help or support I offer anyone. I am a lot stronger with it now.
Write, I wish I could give some insight on The Guy. It's been a while since I've done the dating-thing. But I think Hops' observations are great ones to keep in mind. Really, it is hard to tell what a person is like in the very beginning. It's good to give it a bit of time and see how he ends up revealing himself.
Love, Beth

[WRITE]

smokers have the biggest denial of any addiction I think- maybe because it's the one which is most distorted reality, I mean, it isn't even fun really or consciousness-altering or anything....not to beat up any smokers btw, I've done it myself. But now I look back and of all the things I have done it's the one the most incomprehensible!

****

Re the guy, it's been such a learning curve to have feelings for someone sweet and caring who feels the same even if we aren't goign to be attached I suspect. I think he's been out of town on an interview, he wouldn't tell me directly because he said there's other people he can't tell me first. But I can sense him and I think he's ready to move on. I think it is the right thing for him too- he is brilliant and much of his work trouble is not being in the right place, and I am the one who has encouraged him to do as I have and step into the life flow and trust and be carried along by his own creativity....it feels less like attachment and more like love than I have ever felt in a romantic way.

He oscillates toward me and away from me, I know now it is because he does not want to hurt me, and he is so calm and loving with me and I am with him.

Should I push to spend more time with him, develop this romance anyway in the time we have? I don't know, and this is new for me but I feel in some ways that I would rather have a few weeks of wonderful and deal with the uncertainty and maybe sense of loss than have surety and a lifetime of nothing special.

I live so much more 'in the moment' now the trauma has receded and I have my illness managed.

It's been great practice for me, to go through all the uncertainty and sensing each other and coded talk and misunderstandings etc and realise when I'm projecting or we're triggering each other and communicate and not fall apart or take things personally.

This is the closest I have ever come to the relationship and partner I would like, so it's pretty big for me.

If he is leaving I feel sad but a poem by Marina Tsvetaeva comes to mind:

No one has taken anything away--
   there is even a sweetness for me in being apart.
I kiss you now across the many
   hundreds of miles that separate us.

I know: our gifts are unequal, which is
   why my voice is--quiet, for the first time.
What can my untutored verse
   matter to you, a young Derzhavin?

For your terrible flight I give you blessing.
   Fly, then, young eagle! You
have stared into the sun without blinking.
   Can my young gaze be too heavy for you?

No one has ever stared more
   tenderly or more fixedly after you . . .
I kiss you across hundreds of
   separating years.

           ***

[WRITE]

well here I am 80% through these weeks I was worried about, and pretty much on track.

I'm going down to the court on wednesday to file the final divorce papers. I'm ready now, we all are.

The guy I had had a crush on when I started the thread I see around and honestly I am fine with him, friendly but no anxieties at all. I'm glad things didn't progress there, he seems nice but not for me!

I haven't started dating, though I do get more attention from men and I am not rebuffing it all, but I do really like the guy at church and he likes me; he's started talking about the future in this job again, maybe he changed his mind about leaving. I've stopped spending so much time with him at church though- it feels like a sort-of substitute emotional relationship is developing and it's not what I want.

Another friend has been showing interest, he called and asked me out tonight but I couldn't go and he sounded disappointed.

So I am getting gradually more confident with that. And even without guys, my social life is wonderful again!

Work couldn't be better, not perfect but I am handling the hiccups as they come and have as much work as I am prepared to do, in fact I am turning work down some weeks.

College didn't work out yet, or writing, though I do plan to schedule some concentrated down-time soon for writing.

And my weight loss is still steady at 1-2 lbs dropping per week, one week I gained two with a pasta party (!) so I exercised extra the next week and lost 3 lbs.

The situation which precipitated this thread was ex and his moodiness and depression. Again this week we've had a row about parenting and appropriate attitudes ( he taught my son there is no G_d and all religion is evil! ) but again we have worked through it and he is really trying to change his behaviour. He barely can, so just trying to is big for him and our son sees it and it helps.

Today I was at my old church, the one where it was all trauma, and not only did I feel incredibly at peace, I enjoyed it. It's not the community for me, but it was fine to visit and be with my friends for the morning.

The guy I dated came over and hugged me; I was kind but didn't return his affection, guys like him need no encouragement!

I've been to the coast this afternoon, spent time with a friend who was diagnosed with a brain tumour last month, she's weighing up her options. We laughed all afternoon and had the best time, just what we both needed to keep everything in perspective. My son came too, he asked me on the way home about friendship, and seemed happier to know I was a bit of a loner at his age too.

Things are good, I am well, my family is together.

I am glad it is spring, the trees are coming out in blossom and iridescent green and yellow pollen...I can say like Gustav Mahler: With the coming of spring, I am calm again!

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((write)))))))))))))))))

It is always wonderful to hear from you and see your tremendous growth!!!!!

Love, Beth

[WRITE]

Week 17 or so.

Some of the practical things have not materialised: college and writing loads for example!

But I lost more weight eventhough I'm still not down to goal I am thinner than for many years.
I swim and walk most days.

But I no longer have a crush, though I'm friends with the guy.

Most notably I have a busy happy social life and have settled into a new church.

A new love interest hasn't de-railed me!

The biggest thing that I was writing about that prompted the thread though- exnot de-railing me- well that's been attempted several times and since we filed the final divorce papers has escalated.

I'm in weekly therapy for support with that.

~W

[WRITE]

Okay, passed my twenty week goal!

Survived, what have I achieved?

Well I'm overall about 14 pounds lighter and a bit fitter if not the 'ideal shape' of my goal. But still heading that direction.

I'm writing and composing. Not written five chapters of my book but I now have a writing space in my life and I'm in good shape for more applied work.

My bipolar care plan is complete and morphing into a book of its own; I am sticking to it and I have a new psych doctor. I haven't been ill for over two years, each little blip has been quickly encorporated by the plan.

My social life is extremely busy and happy, but strangely since I wrote all this and went out more I am also happier being home alone some evenings. The new church I have taken a break from, it's been hard work doing all this music there and having this guy alternately idealising and devaluing me when I won't do what he wants. I find him very attractive but on other levels I think he is too conflicted and self-centred to get involved with.

I don't feel guilty about saying no but I had to work on that for a bit.

I've had quite a bit of interest from men but still no divorce and still no dating! I'll just enjoy the attention.

The guy we called El Crusho and I are now friends, I see him occasionally. No crush any more!

Having gone through the twenty weeks i was dreading the biggest thing is- I still am not divorced, and it's still on hold a bit until the summer....hopefully ex will handle it better, but I plan to just do it when I am ready, and tell him after.

But I feel stronger than I did and I won't let him derail me so much, I think eventually I will accept his behaviour.
My son does, and he copes with him far better than I do.

Next thing is get some more business or take a job and make sure I am financially secure and have health insurance.

I'm having therapy every other week now.

Everything's sort-of ongoing, but I can see a lot of progress over the past 20 weeks.

The thread has been very helpful. Thanks for letting me have the space and for supporting me.

[isittoolate]

Good for you Write

You post is so positive that is all I will say. If there is a negative thought in there, you appear to be handling it well

Keep up the good work!

Know where your 14# is-------It came over here and landed on my butt!!

Love
Izzy

[Stormchild]

Write, you are an inspiration.