Seastorm,
I'm so sorry. I was just where you are 3 years ago and the pain was indescribable. I never got a break from feeling sad, lonely, scared, anxious and very, very angry. My thoughts were consumed with what had happened and what might happen to me in the future. I wouldn't wish that time on my worst enemy. Weekends are, without a doubt, the most difficult time. By the time I was separated from my ex, my kids were older and not around as much, so I didn't even have them to keep me busy. You are so lucky to have your sister. I had no one to turn to except all my married friends, and their weekends are reserved for their spouses.
But, three years later I am, for the most part, a much happier, healthier and stronger woman. I certainly still have my moments of anxiety about the future, but I would never want to go back to what I had. What I had was not real. It was an imaginary game I was playing with a man I thought loved me with all his heart. I never really knew the man I was married to. Everything about him was a false, ficticious, make-believe, con artist. I will never know half the lies he told me, I'm sure--nor would I even want to. It is hard enough living with the ones I do know.
Learning to trust another man again was a very difficult thing to do. I have held my b/f of 14 months to a very high standard of trust and honesty, and he has never once disappointed me. I have real intimacy in my life for the very first time. It feels like a re-birth. I feel free to live my life as I wish, and do what makes me happy. I ride on motorcycles, curl rocks, play pool at the local tavern, drive a convertible, and ski in the mountains. I don't have to answer to anyone anymore and that can truly be a wonderful thing. My kids are away at school and just roll their eyes (or at least I imagine they are when I'm talking to them on the phone) when I tell them of my latest adventures.
I promise that you will feel good again. It takes time, effort, energy, a good therapist, and the willingness to look at the world through new lenses. Change can be a wonderful thing, but also very scary. Take it one step at a time. I started a journal to keep track of my daily feelings and as a way to release the built up anger. I knitted 40-50 scarves to keep my hands busy and have some small sense of accomplishment at the completion of each one. I gave most of them away to friends and family who supported me through all my painful days. As I got stronger, I got involved in some new activities. I highly recommend finding something which can get you out of the house and with other people on the weekends. Joining curling was my Godsend during the second year of my separation.
I send you many blessings as you venture forth on your journey. There are hills and valleys in the beginning, but as time passes they become more like bumps and humps. I can't say that it ever flattens out--but that's what makes life interesting after all.
Hugs,
Brigid
