I like the suggestions at this link:
http://www.interdependenceday.net/Whitepages/pndc.aspPowerful, Non-Defensive Communication
SUMMARY SHEET
1. Ask Questions: Be curious, open and sincere.
Purpose: To gather thorough information in order to understand accurately what the other person means by what she is saying.
Example: You may be doing a task when someone says, in a tone that sounds judgmental, "There is a better way to do that." You can ask the person directly, "Do you feel critical of how I am doing this?"
Avoid: Using a question to transmit information or to entrap others.
2. Make observations not judgments: Say what you hear, see, and experience not an interpretation.
Purpose: To express and clarify your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about the other person's reactions as well as your own without implying wrongness.
Example: If someone says in an irritated tone that he was too busy to do something he had previously agreed to do, you might make the following statement:
* "I hear you saying you were too busy to do it."
* "I see that you are acting upset with me for expecting you to have gotten it done even though you had agreed to do it."
* "I feel frustrated when you don't do your part because it makes it hard for me and the others. I would really appreciate it if you would get it done."
Avoid: Using a statement or observation as fact or to convince others.
3. Predict Consequences: Set your own boundaries without trying to control the other person's choices.
Purpose: To create security by telling another person ahead of time how you will react to the different choices she might make.
Example: If someone keeps interrupting you or putting down your ideas, instead of trying to convince the person to listen, you can set a limit using an "If ... then" sentence. One possibility is:
* "If you don't want to hear my idea, then I won't try to make you."
* "If you do want to hear it, then I will be glad to tell you."
Avoid: Using a consequence prediction as an ultimatum to punish or falsely threaten others.
When you ask questions, make observations, and predict consequences in an open and sincere way without trying to control how other people respond, you are using non-defensive communication. People are more likely to respect you, and you can strengthen personal and professional relationships.
