At this point, if I ever had something important to say to someone - a lover, friend, boss, coworker, etc - that I would fear might be misinterpreted - I'd never say it in email. I'd call.
Precisely. Makes sense to me. I told him, however, in an email two things: 1)that if wanted to send me a harsh, verbally abusive email to at least write *Do Not Open At Work* in the subject line.
Interesting also that he was starting to leave very, very long msgs on my answering machine until the message time ran out and was cut off so 2) I told him to stop doing that too. He has done neither. We had one phone call about two weekends ago (I called him and he called me back...twice as we mutually agreed) but nothing since then and we used to talk everyday. Granted, I was calling the guy at all hours which was selfish of me so that is what I learned. Not talking to him everyday is hard in some ways but getting easier in others. I see where I have erred. It is hard to tell is he sees where he has erred. And each time I start thinking about what is going on in his mind, I get distracted from the moment - which is really important.
Or is it just terrifying to think you may have been duped by this guy?
Yes. If he is doing it consciously then...whoa! Somehow, I think he is not. But...something about this idea, pbean, gives me pause. And one of those feelings in the heart that doesn' t feel so hot.
Hi Dazed1: first, I'm gonna get my hands on that book now.
Thanks for the (indirect?) recommendation.
Deep inside, do you view yourself as being inferior and in a weak position?
No, I'm afraid not (*unless* I feel picked on by a group). But I do feel that I am getting older and can't run (away...oh gawd...the truth light is flashing) as fast as I used to. So my natural instinct is to look for a group where we stick together. Usually, that's the family, right? But, in my FOO, no one stuck together and they are not people I would even consider turning to. I also might add that things may get better when I move to the only country I can claim citizenship (the usa) for I have been living in Asia on my own for 15+ years and Asia has very conservative family values so, while they may quarrel and bicker and be codependent as h*ll, they do appear to stick together. Then, again, *he's* got that kind of family too. I feel like the outsider.
Do you feel grateful for the crumbs that he throws at you?
No, but I do feel like my existence is validated on some weird level (like an old program still running). And maybe this is what is making him mad. I feel so bad saying this but: maybe all he has to, or wants to throw, are crumbs. And I will speculate no further (edited: except to say that it is here where the habitually pattern presents itself most alarmingly.) Who is mirroring who? Scary.
I've written several emails and haven't sent them. Right now, I am aiming for damage control and some individual growing space. It is SO sad when you can't communicate openly. This seems to affect me SO much. Its sadness seems to paralyze me sometimes into a state of curling up on my sofa listening to NPR everynight over and over again.
Please don't settle for crumbs.
Thank you SO much for the reminder.
Therapy has helped me immensely. Having had about 1.5 years of therapy, I feel much stronger, clearer, have learned about boundaries and (hopefully) I will never again be in the type of relationship that I had with my XBF.
In therapy, you can learn about boundaries so that you will know when someone is not treating you right and you can learn how to deal with disputes without feeling stepped on or stepping on someone else.
Yes, therapy. I was in it from 1999-2003 with the same woman once a week. It was some members of this board who helped me wean myself from her "moribund" approach. The next guy was a nutcase who was trigger happy with the meds. One doesn't have a lot to pick from in western psychotherapy where I am at. To tell the truth, I am a little burned out on psycho-therapy. Of course, it is an option and when it works and you've found a good one, hoorah-hoorah. So, hoorah to you and others with a good therapist.
Please don't be hard on yourself.
Thank you. More than several people have told me this. Except, of course, my mother who seems to be sensing something is up between he and I and is starting to play her little games. Lovely (rolling eyes). I don't know what the next days or weeks will bring but, having to fend off her Nism, is one big pain the a*se.
How can someone delight so much in another's sadness? Or even their wordless "feeling" of sadness... Never mind, not worth my precious time and energy.
Finally, (((((((((((((Hops))))))))))) thanks for replying.
I am sorry if I sound glib or acerbic right now. Frankly, I am just now becoming aware of this voice. It feels like a new way for me to deal with this acute pain deep inside. Writing it out (even if all of it doesn't make sense) and getting feedback is a big help as I am quite sure everyone on this board knows. I do appreciate it.
And, while I am at it, I might add that this man (my age) is still financially dependent on his parents (a little jealousy there from me), has had no stable employment or housing for as long as I have known him, can be incredibly romantic *and*, believe it or not, helpful, blows up around others (not just me) occassionally and seems to be okay with it in the long run. This is the part I do not get. So help me, I do not get it.
Much warmth and care (((((((((to all)))))))),
Dawning.
