Laura wrote:
**As I read the posts on this board day after day, the one thing that keeps coming back to me is "Laura, these N people are NOT NORMAL, so why is everyone soooooooooo surprised when they say the cutting things they say and do the evil, cruel, punishing things they do?"
Do you all realize that some mental disorders can be viewed by heat imaging...in these images, you can actually SEE a difference in the brian of the non-normal human being. Are people expecting someone with abnormal mindsets, to treat them in a way that someone who is normal would?
I think I'm to the point of wanting to just say, "Ok, you had a miserable childhood. me too....so why do you want to keep reliving the pain over and over again, well into your adult years, when YOU DO NOT HAVE TO?" I wonder sometimes if people who choose to stay in abusive situations, do not have a desire to "self-abuse" and maybe even a "death-wish." Someone with a sense of healthy self-worth, self-esteem, will NOT stay with a toxic, crazymaking person willingly. That would be the thing to work on...not "I need to get along with this N in my life, so maybe someday they will be able to love me the way I always needed...." but rather "I need to go to the ends of the earth to find out WHO THE HECK IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AM and WHY I KEEP SUBMITTING TO THIS MENTAL, EMOTIONAL TORTURE...what makes me keep COMIN BACK FOR MORE, WHY DO I ATTRACT THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE? WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF? DO I WANT TO REMAIN THIS WAY THE REST OF MY DAYS ON EARTH....
Cause honestly, if you answer one of those self-questions "yes I go back to N because I DESERVE HER TORMENT" then, my opinion is, that since N doesn't seem to want the help anyway, YOU need to work on helping YOU. It is time to learn some cognitive change in your thinking processes. It is time to LET THE N GO FROM YOUR LIFE, at least for a SEASON, until you are able to stand against her/his darts, and end up STILL STANDING after the last one hits ya. If you cannot do this ever in your life, then that is the guage that is set as far as continuing contact...I don't care if N is one you call MOTHER, FATHER, BROTHER, SISTER, PASTOR, TEACHER...if you are being abused in ANY way, there is NO JUSTIFICATION for staying in that situation. period.
I guess one might say this is me giving a WAKE UP AND FACE REALITY call to people.
When I first started counseling cwings, I told her this: C, you need to FORGET THAT THIS WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE IS YOUR MOTHER. SEE HER AS JUST ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. Now, would you let a stranger or even a friend do to you and say to you what THIS WOMAN DID AND IS? Of course, C said "no." Welllllllllllllllllll, hmmmmmmmmmmmm, and you let this other human treat you this way WHY???? Her response "she's my MOM" My response "STOP SEEING HER THAT WAY! When she makes those digs and guilt trips, she STOPS ACTING LIKE ANY TYPE OF PARENT FIGURE. AT THAT POINT SHE BECOMES MANIPULATOR, CONTROLLER...and you are to see her that way and RESPOND (not react) to her, as you would to ANY PERSON trying to manipulate or control you.
Just because someone gave birth to you, it does NOT make them your MOTHER. They were a birth accomplice, that's IT. A MOTHER has a far DEEPER meaning than someone who pushed you into the world. you only know this person as "mother" because that is what you were told to refer to her as....that does not mean that if you were horridly abused all your life by her, that she still is your mother.
Now, it's up to you how you take what I just said, but it defnitely brings things back into some perspective in what you choose to do from now on. Anyone can have a baby...that does NOT qualify them as a parent, mother, father. A person you grew up with that tormented you and treated you horribly, just because you referred to them as sister or brother, does NOT MAKE THEM THAT.
That's how I see it and how I counsel.
~Laura**
[TREMUSAN Writes:]
From my own experiences and opinions formed.... it's the hope that mommy will be the mommy we deserved...... and still desire on some level. Or the daddy or caregiver of whatever type involved in an unrealistic expectation issue. We have little children inside of us raging or crying..... most certainly HOPING. Not sure who's quote it is but.... "it's hope that kills us." And I believe that.
Giving up hope is so hard, so painful.... most of us can't do it. Re experiencing the primal moments of our pain......and sinking into the depths of our sadness... then giving up hope of ever receiving what we most desire and spend years, perhaps entire lives, trying to attain. That's very painful work and, even though it promises deliverance from our pain.... it's too hard to face and force ourselves to go through the majority of the time. JMHO. Tremusan
