One small boundary

[Hopalong]

You're welcome! 

(I'll do about anything for a larf...)

Hops   

[gratitude28]

That'll do, pig, that'll do.

Kisses...

[Jade]

To Seasons:
I read your story about your sister, how you didn't bring coffee for the first time, but she still had you pay for her roast-beef sandwich. How is that going these days?

[Jade]

Here's a boundary yet to be established: Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist. I have a lifetime problem with this anyway. I feel intimidated by my current dentist. Her personality is dominant and extroverted. She always wants to know what I'm doing for work. I manage a little freelance income now and then, but it's a sore subject.

It's bad enough facing the dentist in the first place. But to carry the burden of making status-oriented small talk and trying to be entertaining is not fair. It's as though I'm at a business networking event or a party, trying to impress people and even get the upper hand, so that they don't squash me.

This kind of competition goes against my nature. Usually at the dentist's, I am doing my best to leave my body temporarily, as I find any kind of dentistry to be torture. I can't endure being physically at someone's mercy. It's physical and psychological torture at the same time. And then trying to make the right kind of small talk on top of that is crazy!

[pennyplant]

Well, it's especially hard to talk to a dentist while they are working on your mouth.  I don't understand why they would expect an answer!

My suggestion:  leave out the words "manage" "a little" "now and then".  Just tell her you do free-lance work and then maybe tell something about one project.  Don't have to say when the last job was or how much it paid.  It will all be true.  And it will be enough for that particular awkward situation.  Then maybe a little laughing gas would be in order!

I get what you're saying about the competition aspects of this type of conversation, especially when you're not happy right now with the way your work is going.  But, it sounds like she has a real need to one-up people.  And her patients for crying out loud.  That is her flaw and you don't have to feel like you don't measure up.  Actually she sounds boring and annoying to me.  You are the interesting one, Jade.

Good luck with the dentist visit tomorrow.  Hope it goes by real fast.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi Jade,
My advice when she asks personal questions is to say:

"Actually, I've figured out that it increases my tension over the procedure to chat, so if you don't mind, I'll just focus on my relaxation. Thanks."

Ehh? You do not have to participate at all in a convo that doesn't feel good to you.

Hops

[seasons]

Great advice Hops. (Jade)

I only bring change with one dollar, doesn't buy a sandwich these days. Learning every day. seasons

[Jade]

To pennyplant:
Thanks for your good boundary suggestion. It is very sensible. There are many people who want to know details about my life which I don't want to tell them. They're not afraid to ask things like how much rent I pay, etc. I know it's up to me to field such questions, and not to offer more info than I want to give out. This is a lifelong difficulty. It boils down to, am I going to let people dominate me or not? I know the answer is calm assertiveness, establishment of boundaries. I'm only just learning to do it with a cup of tea.

To Hopalong:
Your boundary suggestion is excellent also. I can hardly imagining actually saying such a thing, though it would be the truth. Refusing people anything -- asking to have my emotional needs met -- establishing any boundary -- always makes me afraid that they are going to be offended, get huffy or defensive, and retaliate in some way. Also, I feel guilty for having hurt their feelings, embarrassed them, troubled them, made things difficult or more complicated for them. Clearly the traits of a person from a dysfunctional FOO, probably with Nism in the elders.

To seasons:
That sounds like a good solution -- only bring with you what you can spend! Good luck.

Now the good news:
I held my own with the hygienist today, who was very pleasant. (The dentist wasn't there.) We made a certain amount of chitchat, but she didn't push it, and she was respectful of the sensitivity in my mouth. She found an old filling which needs replacement, so I'm coming back in a month. That gives me time to practice assertiveness, to deal better with the dentist!

[pennyplant]

Oh, good!  I'm so glad it went better than you expected.  And I bet you will be more than ready for the dentist when that next appointment time comes around.  It is good to be prepared in advance.  It was sort of a like a reprieve.  You'll be stronger by then!

Pennyplant

[Jade]

To pennyplant:

You'll be stronger by then!

You're an optimist! But thank you for the positive reinforcement.

To Bean:

You could always pause....say for 20 - 30 seconds or so (I know it seems like an eternity and it practically is), then say:
Don't mean to change the subject, but I've been meaning to ask you about my gums...

You made me laugh! The scene you imagine sounds very funny. I would like to act in that movie.

I wish there were a reality TV show about positive, healthy assertiveness. I would be glued to it.

[calauria]

Greetings:

Would like to share a very small but meaningful incident.

I was having brunch with an acquaintance. I was enjoying my two scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast and herbal tea, and the fact that I was not having home fries, because of the carbs and fat. My acquaintance's meal was an overly generous serving of thick sweet-potato soup. It didn't appeal to me anyway, and I was satisfied with my meal as it was.

She said, "Oh no, they gave me way too much! Here, you take some!" Then she got a small bowl for me and spooned 3 to 5 heaping tablespoons into it.

I planned to taste some, but realized I didn't really want to, not even a few drops. I let the bowl sit there through our meal, but did not touch it or refer to it. Neither did she. She didn't like the soup that much, and left most of hers. After she left, I discarded what she'd given me.

Thank you for listening.

Yay for you!!

[gratitude28]

Oh Jade,
I have the same problem with dentists/techs... And I get a new one everytime, so it's always a crapshoot... So glad you made it through it well!!!! I'll keep it in mind next time I have to go
Love, Beth

[Jade]

   I would like to offer two anecdotes from my life today, on the subject of assertion and personal boundaries:

   The Garden Club on the Elevator
   The Garden Club ladies were taking down the Christmas trees in the library. I had pressed the elevator button and was waiting calmly. A minute or two later, the ladies came to the elevator, weighed down with ornaments and boxes, and the leader said, "Are you waiting for the elevator?" in an officious tone. The vibes were that she wanted to commandeer the elevator.
   I said, "Yes."
   "Have you pressed the button?" she pursued, peering around me to the elevator button.
   "Yes, I pressed the button, and I did it all by my lonesome, too!" I said. (OK, sarcasm, not always the highest choice, but better than total silence in the face of subtle bullying.)
   As we all got in, I took charge by saying, "I'll hold the door for you all, I'll press the DOOR OPEN button," and I did so.
   We were all inside with the boxes and ornaments, a relatively tight fit, but doable. I waited politely for them to press the button for their floor, then I pressed the button for mine.
   "What floor are you going to, dear?" asked the Garden Club leader, in a saccharine tone.
   "I'm going to 1, but I've pressed it already, and I did it all by my lonesome," I said.

   The Poetry of Expression
   I was writing poetry in the library's reading room, a large, attractive space. I was deeply concentrating on my work, reliving the experience I was "translating" into verse, when an acquaintance stage-whispered at me from across the room, "Are you all right?" (She's a freelance writer who comes regularly to the library to work on her laptop computer.)
   I got up immediately and crossed the room to speak quietly to her. "Yes, I'm all right, why do you ask?" I said.
   "Well, you suddenly looked really upset, like you weren't all right," she said.
   "Oh, I see. I suppose all kinds of expressions flick across my face when I'm working," I said. I then briefly explained to her my poetic process; she seemed to understand, and apologized for interrupting me.
   It took me a while to get back into the state of mind for poetic composition after that, but I managed.

[isittoolate]

hi Jade,

I haven't read all of this thread, and I don't know how I missed it......???? because being assertive and watching my boundaries are what I am trying to do!!

BBL
Izzy

[isittoolate]

Hi Jade,

I am back and read the thread---oh such fun to read of everyone being assertive enough to stick to their boundaries. I feel as though I ought to tell a story about food--- hmm.
oh well I can but it's kinda backwards.

My "husband's" famliy is Catholic, not mine though, and there was a time, for you younger folks when Catholics ate only fish on Friday. Hubby's brother was coming for dinner and the weekend and I forgot, as hubby was non-practicing. I made a big pot of my deeelicious beef stew, so it could simmer, and not be ruined being we didn't know his arrival time.

He arrived and hubby called that he'd be late to go ahead with dinner. BIL turned down the stew and all I could make for him was fried eggs and toast!

I was horribly embarrassed.................however I learned many years later that Catholics were allowed to eat meat on Friday under the very circumstances I presented, so as not to embarrass the hostess..

This rather fits in that I accepted the blame because I didn't study Catholicism! Had I done that I could have stood my ground and forced him to eat the stew!

When I get better at boundaries--i will do better with a story.

Love all
Izzy