One small boundary

[Jade]

Greetings:

Would like to share a very small but meaningful incident.

I was having brunch with an acquaintance. I was enjoying my two scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast and herbal tea, and the fact that I was not having home fries, because of the carbs and fat. My acquaintance's meal was an overly generous serving of thick sweet-potato soup. It didn't appeal to me anyway, and I was satisfied with my meal as it was.

She said, "Oh no, they gave me way too much! Here, you take some!" Then she got a small bowl for me and spooned 3 to 5 heaping tablespoons into it.

I planned to taste some, but realized I didn't really want to, not even a few drops. I let the bowl sit there through our meal, but did not touch it or refer to it. Neither did she. She didn't like the soup that much, and left most of hers. After she left, I discarded what she'd given me.

Thank you for listening.

[October]

Greetings:

Would like to share a very small but meaningful incident.

I was having brunch with an acquaintance. I was enjoying my two scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast and herbal tea, and the fact that I was not having home fries, because of the carbs and fat. My acquaintance's meal was an overly generous serving of thick sweet-potato soup. It didn't appeal to me anyway, and I was satisfied with my meal as it was.

She said, "Oh no, they gave me way too much! Here, you take some!" Then she got a small bowl for me and spooned 3 to 5 heaping tablespoons into it.

I planned to taste some, but realized I didn't really want to, not even a few drops. I let the bowl sit there through our meal, but did not touch it or refer to it. Neither did she. She didn't like the soup that much, and left most of hers. After she left, I discarded what she'd given me.

Thank you for listening.

Well done for maintaining your boundary, without hurting your friend.  She may have meant well, but as we all know, that is not always enough. 

Btw, your lunch sounds great.  Feeling hungry now.   

[gratitude28]

Jade,
It is so nice to make progress... progress and not perfection is my goal...

I had a boundary-setting incident today too. I decided that I am not going to let my boss make me feel guilty anymore so that he can hold that over me. I am tired of his passive-agressive games and he can either take me as I am (a motivated and very efficient worker) or he can try to find someone who even comes close to achieving what I do here. No more games and head trips.

That doesn't mean I'll be able to stick to it all the time... but I am doing SO MUCH better with it.

Thanks for the topic Jade and for letting me see that progress is possible in everything.
Love, Beth

[penelope]

hi jade,

food issues.  This is deeply personal, if you were raised in a family where parents manipulated with food.  Especially if they forced you to eat!  So, I can imagine the guilt of "wasting" that food.

Good for you for just making it a non-issue.

It sounds like your friend was cool with it too?

bean

[Hopalong]

What a neat story, Jade.
You were detached enough not to fight with her about it but still let that soup just sit.

I'm impressed! I think that was the wisest way to handle it.

My closest friend really bugs me by offering me food when I've already said I'm not hungry,
and then saying, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"

Sometimes I'm wobbling on the edge of self control and I feel sort of sabotaged.
She comes from a culture where sharing food is very important (we all do, I think)--
but I know I have to repress some anger when she does this.

Thanks for modeling a cool response.

Hopalong

[Dazed1]

Jade,

Love your story and can really relate.

My mother almost always questioned my choice of food when ordering in a restaurant.  Often, I would give in and let her choose what I should eat.

Congrats on enforcing your boundary in a subtle way.

dazed

[Jade]

October: Thanks for your vote of confidence. Assertion without hostility can be hard.

gratitude28/Beth: It sounds as though you set an internal boundary. Please describe exactly how you keep yourself from feeling guilty. Would also like to hear specific examples of dynamic between you and boss.

penelope/bean: Thanks for your immediate understanding of the centrality of food/emotion/personal boundaries/identity. Yes, forced eating, guilt over wasting, eating as a debt of gratitude to the cook's effort, are only a few of the issues. The acquaintance said nothing, so I don't know how she felt, but I consider her anorexic, so I think that had more to do with her "sharing" than generosity.

Hopalong:

My closest friend really bugs me by offering me food when I've already said I'm not hungry ... Sometimes I'm wobbling on the edge of self control and I feel sort of sabotaged ... I have to repress some anger when she does this.

I can totally relate. Our appearance is an incredible battleground in women's lives, representing our currency still, in spite of feminism. Friends have to be saints not to envy our successes.

Dazed1:

My mother almost always questioned my choice of food when ordering in a restaurant. Often, I would give in and let her choose what I should eat.

Thanks for sharing that painful info. Any flashbacks to this now, for example, in a restaurant with friends?

Another recent incident goes with this topic:

A male acquaintance casually asked me to have tea in a local café. It's only 70 cents per cup, but he paid for both of ours, and I allowed it, though subtly nervous about the message that sends. I added a scant tablespoon of wildflower honey, feeling faintly guilty about the carbs.

As soon as I sipped this "treat," I disliked the taste. It was an herbal tea blend I hadn't yet tried, and it tasted overly flavored, sort of bitter and false, and the honey-sweetness on top of that was almost repellent. I kept my reaction to myself, which is characteristic; then tried a few more mouthfuls, while doubting myself (also characteristic).

About halfway through, I rebelled, and set down the cup. I said, "I'm afraid I just don't like this tea flavor at all." Then he started drinking it! (He has food issues too.) "Do you like it?" I asked. "Well, it's better than mine," he said.

But I didn't like it, and I didn't finish it! And I didn't drink his, either!

[Hopalong]

Hi Jade,
Your healthy boundaries around what you take in physically are such a revealing parallel to the whole issue of boundaries generally.

Your posts have reminded me again about emotional eating...will start a new thread.

thank you,

Hops

[gratitude28]

Jade,
Thank you for asking me HOW I set the boundary... because I am thinking it through now and trying to identify my thought process. I also think it was bones a while back (or maybe bean) who suggested that I state simply what I needed to do and carry through on it... period... no guilt feelings... no regrets....
A lot of what goes on with me is in my own head... I know that. I ASSUME my boss is not happy with this or that. In actuality, there have been only a handful of incidents where he was being a jerk... I'll give the most recent one... I do a TON of work each month. Aside from him, I am the only employee for a student group of about 550 and 20 professors, plus we submit invoices and purchase orders through a contract company.Not a huge operation, but plenty of work. Last week, I sent in two invoices with a mistake on them... I had an extra line in the header. So he asked me if I was having any personal problems or of there was a reason why I made a mistake. Mind you, he sends out emails to everyone with half the words misspelled, incorrect info all the time, etc. Needless to say, I was pissed. I just told him that everything was fine, went back to my desk and did my work. After a half an hour or so, he said he wanted to go out and buy us coffee ant the new Starbucks that had just opened. It was a concilatory gesture and it pissed me off even more. But I was as nice as I always am...
At any rate, I have decided I am NOT going to allow myself to assume feelings needlessly because of his games. This is my JOB, not my life. And he is not my parent. So when I start emoting... I squash it... I have deicded I will do my job as I always do, be kind to everyone and if he wants to get in one of his little snits, fine.
That being said, I haven't perfected this yet But I am working on it.
Jade, where else in your life do you have these issues?
Love, Beth

[seasons]

Hi Jade,

I had tingles because each word was so familiar. HUGE accomplishments, oh I am just so excited for you.

Just lovely, hope is lovely and you are too. seasons

[Jade]

To seasons:
Thank you for your kind and enthusiastic words. Would like to hear any similar stories from you.

To Hopalong:

emotional eating...will start a new thread

Please tell me the title of the thread? Couldn't find it.

To gratitude28/Beth:

state simply what I needed to do and carry through on it... period... no guilt feelings... no regrets....

I have never been able to manage this kind of emotional control on an internal basis, and I don't think it's possible. I try to let my thoughts and feelings be what they are, and focus on actions. Example: I have been able, sometimes, to keep from apologizing, explaining or defending aloud, literally by pressing my lips together. This is done through a conscious effort of will, just as I would hold a stone in my hand rather than letting it drop. I then relax my mouth, breathe in through my nose, and wait to see what the other person does.

But I am no Zen master, so even this kind of external control is quite difficult for me.

he asked me if I was having any personal problems or if there was a reason why I made a mistake.

Everyone makes mistakes, daily. That is normal life. But it took me a long time to affirm this, even internally. I've had bosses who made me so nervous that I made more mistakes than usual. It sounds as though you're continuously overburdened at work, as well. Sorry that this is so.

where else in your life do you have these issues?

Everywhere that you can name.

[lightofheart]

Thanks, Jade, for starting this one, and to everyone for kicking in the great life experience responses. I'm so grateful to read anything people can share about boundaries...definitely a slow-learning area for me.

Imho, seems like the common thread with the boundary setting described here (maybe all boundary setting?) started with a choice, whether conscious or unconscious or sheer instinct, NOT to take the other folks' behavior personally and to own what you DO want.

Some people can't apologize. Or admit they make mistakes. Or accept that others might have a very different relationship with food.

I feel lucky when I can remember that other folk's challenges aren't about me, just like mine aren't about them. And am trying to learn how to kick myself less when I backslide into one of those old negative tapes, assuming X's anger/insecurity/whatever is about who I am or something I did. Me being the center of the universe, of course!

IMHO, everyone who posted deserves a pat on the back for choosing to carve out a little piece of healthy ground, even in the face  of self-doubt or fear or someone else's issues.

Like you said, Jade, one small boundary can be a huge step. One of my friends calls good boundaries the world's best vitamins.

LoH

[seasons]

My recent food story. Last Friday I went to visit my sister for christmas, it was quiete a show but I will stay on topic. On the phone as we confirmed our plans she sternly says "You are going to bring something aren't you!" Who would ever say that to a guest coming, only an majoy N.
I said, "Well what do you have?" I have never made a comment like that in my life to her. I knew she would have something to say back but it felt good, like what do we have to work with tpye of question.
She said, "I have nothing!" Then I said, "Of course I'm going to bring something." Like usual
I brought a blueberry ring and tonic. She had nothing to serve, except to tell us (my three girls) how lucky we were to be able to use her new dishes, and she meant it. LOL They came from the dollar store.

What I did not bring for the first time in my LIFE was COFFEE. I have bought her coffee for decades, not anymore. We are huge coffee drinkers. I was their for the afternoon, she never offered me a cup. She does not buy coffee for herself she makes her own pot, she only expects freebies from others.

Another time I met her half way from the Drs. office. She got in my car and said, " I hope you have money." I said, yes, why?
Well I lost my pocketbook I think I put it on my roof of my car when I left. I dramaticly said here use my phone call your son and see if it fell off in your driveway or road. I had a huge grin inside. I was right, she lied.
She said, oh he's not home I'm not going to worry about it now, I just want to know I can get a roast beef sandwich after my appointment.
Please, do you know any women who wouldn't want their pocketbook found NOW. By the way I paid for her lunch yet again, when she got home, silly her said she left it in her breezeway. How convient...........

[Hopalong]

Seasons' sister: ...lost my purse...lielielie...married a moviestar....lielie....deserve caviar.....lielielie.....take my sister totally for granted.....truetruetrue....

Seasons: (bursts into incredibly loud sobs) Oh my GOD, I have been so desperately trying to avoid telling you this but I do not have any money, I have gambled it all away and I am being chased by gangsters and I was going to ask you to feed ME, I know this is not your custom but I would be so terribly grateful for just a little free food, you know, just a little bit that you could treat me to????? I have been so light-headed going without protein...(collapses on steering wheel, horn blares....)

Hops: I must be evil. 

[seasons]

(Hops)

I needed that so much. I actually was laughing so much, I had to hold my stomach from bursting a gut! I don't ever remember laughing outloud about them.

What a gift.....................................Thank you