hi again dawning,
I sense this is a mini-crisis for you (crying at work, when you open those emails? OH dear - BIG HUG).
I like what hops has offered. Fabio - ick. Long hair gets tangled too, and I do tire of brushing Fabio's mane. No matter how gorgeous those pecs.
Maybe it will help to just share a bit of what transpires between my current b/f and I. We've struggled - all couples do. But this is my first "mature" relationship. One where we're both in it together, for the better. A little reality check, perhaps? as we've lived together for ~2 years now... What a relationship based on give and take is really about. Before this one, I had many tumultuous email long distance relationships, like you've described. One of them resulted in me moving in with the guy - he ended up being an alcoholic. Horribly painful at the time, but a learning experience for me nonetheless.
Here's what my (loving) b/f and I face daily. Romance: well, we work together, so we have a lot to complain to each other about at times as we know what the other is going through. Sometimes we do manage to Not talk about work at home. Often, however, we break this rule. Romance? A friend of ours from work gave us some tickets to the theatre, so we went last Friday. Although the though crossed my mind a few times, I tried very hard not to say something like:
I wish you'd think of doing something like this every once in awhile... and just enjoyed the 'date' and loved the show. I tried very hard to push any thoughts of
'does he like it?' to the back of my head - thinking:
it don't really matter - I'm enjoying myself, and that's important too - and just enjoyed the atmosphere and my surroundings. In other words, I tried to just experience the moment, and quit worrying if it was 'romantic.' It was a fine evening, overall. Yesterday on the way home from work, he drops this bomb on me:
[your boss] asked me if you're happy. me: (going sort of ballistic)
what the heck did you answer that question for??!!! I think that is a loaded question, don't answer that type of question next time! [quite a bit of ranting and raving on my part]...[a little later]
well, your boss asked to talk to me today as well, and guess what he said? [pause]
he asked me if You were happy...[look of horror on b/f's face]...
just kidding. Later in the evening I volunteered to make him dinner, but he said:
no, that's OK, you don't have to make me dinner...I countered with:
but...you know I like to (he fixed himself something quick/easy in the end). I thought about how we really need to schedule a Couple's workshop, our last conversation together with my therapist (he went with me - he really is trying to understand me and thus is a sweetheart), and how I was too tired to search for a weekend retreat - which he said he would prefer over a week long retreat - I wished it would miraculously find and schedule itself without me doing anything (part of me wishes he would find something for us), as I knew this was impossible. I think a little about how Communication, and improving it, is a theme for us. We both could improve. The important thing is we both realize it and are trying to make it better..
Fast forward to yesterday evening: we snuggled as we fell asleep (after he asked if I'd hold him). Ahhh. He is a nice guy, afterall, and I'm a nice person too.
I think this is what a healthy relationship is about. In other words, it's not about perfection in actions, but maybe it's close to perfection in intent? I know he doesn't always do what makes me happy and I certainly don't always do what makes him happy, but we do try.
Is this guy going to try for you? What's your real sense of the level of effort he might be willing to expend on you two? Is that enough for you?
These are tough questions, but better to ask them now than later...
love,
p bean
