I was doing some intense "Revenge Thinking" (I call it) last night...
For those who don't know what this is. For children (adult children included) who have been abused by a parent - it is very common to think about getting revenge, I believe. The problem with this is it keeps one stuck in the past - rather than dealing with the strong emotions and uncomfortable feelings in a healthier way, we get stuck thinking revenge thoughts.
As a child I fantasized quite a bit about getting back at my Mom. Some of my fantasies were quite elaborate. For example, I used to imagine her in a nursing home, in a wheelchair, after my Dad was gone...she would be crying to me about something - needing help. I'd initially pretend like I wanted to help her, but at the last minute I'd cruelly turn to her and say "No, I don't think so, cause you were mean to me in the past, so I don't think I'm going to help you now."
That was pretty much it. There were variations on the fantasy, of course. I had this fantasy pretty often I remember - sometimes weekly, if not daily. I guess the extent of my hatred of my Mom was easily recognized back then. Now, I find it harder to remember - but if I try, I can.
I wonder how "normal" this is to still have the Revenge Thinking occasionally, as an adult?
I think this is precipitated by the fact that her birthday was last week - and the holidays are here. This was the time of year I was always made to feel most endebted to her. It was such a farce, me - pretending she was a good mom, when I never really felt she was, nor even liked her. Not being able to express that, however (except to my siblings).
It's funny that today my siblings don't remember how much we all seemed to hate Mom. Maybe it was me more than the others, though. I don't really know. Maybe they've just stuffed those feelings way deep inside, and have forgotten.
Anyway, yesterday I caught myself doing a little Revenge Thinking, and I knew it was "wrong." The funny thing is, as a child I used to believe that doing this would cause bad things to happen to me. Like, God had a way of knowing and would punish me for it. Well yesterday when I was playing with the dog - shortly after this bout of revenge thinking (I was trying to distract myself from actually doing something Revengful - like sending a bunch of mean emails to my Mom - so I was playing with the dog instead) anyway, it was funny cause I cut myself accidentally. It was a pretty bad cut, but not bad enough to need stitches. I'm freaked out by blood, so I was all shaky and scared. Then, I couldn't help but think: this happened because God knows I was thinking revenge thoughts.
I guess that is a bit of residual magical thinking I still have.
silly?
bean
