Author Topic: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck  (Read 2048 times)

penelope

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Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« on: December 09, 2006, 10:43:32 AM »
I was doing some intense "Revenge Thinking" (I call it) last night...

For those who don't know what this is.  For children (adult children included) who have been abused by a parent - it is very common to think about getting revenge, I believe.  The problem with this is it keeps one stuck in the past - rather than dealing with the strong emotions and uncomfortable feelings in a healthier way, we get stuck thinking revenge thoughts.

As a child I fantasized quite a bit about getting back at my Mom.  Some of my fantasies were quite elaborate.  For example, I used to imagine her in a nursing home, in a wheelchair, after my Dad was gone...she would be crying to me about something - needing help.  I'd initially pretend like I wanted to help her, but at the last minute I'd cruelly turn to her and say "No, I don't think so, cause you were mean to me in the past, so I don't think I'm going to help you now."

That was pretty much it.  There were variations on the fantasy, of course.  I had this fantasy pretty often I remember - sometimes weekly, if not daily.  I guess the extent of my hatred of my Mom was easily recognized back then.  Now, I find it harder to remember - but if I try, I can.

I wonder how "normal" this is to still have the Revenge Thinking occasionally, as an adult? 

I think this is precipitated by the fact that her birthday was last week - and the holidays are here.  This was the time of year I was always made to feel most endebted to her.  It was such a farce, me - pretending she was a good mom, when I never really felt she was, nor even liked her.  Not being able to express that, however (except to my siblings). 

It's funny that today my siblings don't remember how much we all seemed to hate Mom.  Maybe it was me more than the others, though.  I don't really know.  Maybe they've just stuffed those feelings way deep inside, and have forgotten. 

Anyway, yesterday I caught myself doing a little Revenge Thinking, and I knew it was "wrong."  The funny thing is, as a child I used to believe that doing this would cause bad things to happen to me.  Like, God had a way of knowing and would punish me for it.  Well yesterday when I was playing with the dog - shortly after this bout of revenge thinking (I was trying to distract myself from actually doing something Revengful - like sending a bunch of mean emails to my Mom - so I was playing with the dog instead)  anyway, it was funny cause I cut myself accidentally.  It was a pretty bad cut, but not bad enough to need stitches.  I'm freaked out by blood, so I was all shaky and scared.  Then, I couldn't help but think:  this happened because God knows I was thinking revenge thoughts.   :shock:

I guess that is a bit of residual magical thinking I still have.

silly?

bean

moonlight52

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2006, 01:10:46 PM »
Hey bean,

I had no revenge thinking at all as a child I did receive love from my twin and mom ......

I had nightmares as a kid ....But I also had lovely dreams I would fly out of the window some nights and fly high above our house in the night sky.

My transgressions as a child were mostly breaking something and a lot of times we did not know why we were in trouble not good.
and there was verbal stuff that was unpleasant not hearing a good word ever from my dad was not helpful.

I did not have revenge thinking because I just BELIEVED as a child I was just bad .
It would have been a step up or healthier if I did but I only blamed me for
the way I was treated.

Because my twin and I loved each other deeply I did have love and loyalty.So when I bumped into Mr m I loved and trusted him .
As for now my dad has revealed how he feels about me I felt much anger and pain this summer and had one night of great distress
but being kicked out of a circle I never belonged to is not bad.It gave me freedom.

I have enough self esteem now to want only to be where I am wanted and needed.
I accept the way things are......but last summer was rough but now I have self respect
BUT I HOLD NO ILL WILL. ALSO I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY ONE TO MISUSE ME.

I think because this past summer I was rejected
and it WAS made it so clear that I WAS NOT APART OF THEIR FAMILY........
 
I just started thinking well they have their family and I have mine........... I finally value me.

I certainly understand this kind of thinking , bean I am human and think everyone can have these kinds of feelings.
I am not experiencing revenge feelings. I see this  last  occurrence as my ticket to freedom.......

These feelings do not seem silly but human and understandable when someone has hurt you.
I do not think the accidental cut would have anything to do with any type of thoughts you were having 

So the nearest I get to revenge thinking a small nod to the cosmic trickster....
because everyone hurts the expression of this hurt manifests differently with different people.

love to you bean

moon


« Last Edit: December 09, 2006, 09:14:55 PM by moonlight »

seasons

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2006, 05:14:25 PM »
Hi Bean,

Your post reminds me how I have to fight off those thoughts that I hate to admit on bad days creep into my head.

Silly? "NO" reality, yes. seasons
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou

tremusan

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2006, 10:32:29 AM »
Bean... don't kid yourself.  God does reach out and touch us when we have unkind thoughts.  I think the trick is.... to recognize them and make something positive out of them.  Something negative always happens to me when I think something awful.  I know better too.  It's not the way to healing. 

Not sure that understanding that our parents.... or loved N, (whatever their status in our lives) is doing the best they can...... helps much either.  Only takes us so far, I suppose.  Forgiving them and giving up hope that they can ever meet our needs or love us..... is the only way. 

That's so sad to write.  Sad... because we deserve that love.  We're worthy of it.  Which brings us to the next part of the equation, no?  Finding worthy people to come into our lives... and allow them to love us.  To love them back.  Not a dance we know.  How likely is it that we'll choose healthy people and begin a new, uncomfortable dance, at this stage/

I think it comes down to making very deliberate choices about the people we allow in.  We have to run from those that we're attracted to, IMO.  Unfortunately... it doesn't always work.  I did this with my current N husband..... and I still ended up in a bloody mess. 

At this point.... I don't think we can stay engaged with the N parent or spouse.... and be OK.  Not sure how we make better choices or get healthier. I'm certainly ready to try.  Tremusan

moonlight52

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2006, 11:17:12 AM »
Hi All

It is always "better" to have positive thoughts but on the way to healing negative thoughts do occur forgiving self
and understanding how we process pain is good .

My post above , bean is a perfect example of being victim and ego based........ this or that non inclusion THINKING and a mild ego rant.
You should see me when IIIIIIIIII ME ME ME iiiiiiii really get going.
Forgiving self as we go ALONG is a good thing I think WHAT THE HECK DO I KNOW......


MOONLIGHT

« Last Edit: December 10, 2006, 11:23:05 AM by moonlight »

Hopalong

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2006, 02:56:24 PM »
Tre--
Quote
Finding worthy people to come into our lives... and allow them to love us.  To love them back.  Not a dance we know.  How likely is it that we'll choose healthy people and begin a new, uncomfortable dance, at this stage

VERY VERY LIKELY. You're tackling it! Life is looooooooong and so is the chance to learn!

You are going to get through this hard passage and ever after, you will look back and know it was when you finally walked out of a punishing life.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Kelly as guest

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2006, 07:45:36 PM »
Oh, I can TOTALLY relate to this.  I really do get obsessive thoughts when it comes to my nmom.  That is why I am always trying to figure out my "exit strategy."  But the bad news is sometimes I think about how she will respond to my exit and somehow I get to stick it to her - when I should be thinking about me and my benefit.  I also think about when she gets Alzheimer's and I will finally be able to not worry about what she says......................but then I realize that the road from now to full blown Alzheimer's is years and all the N mess will probably get much worse before it ever gets better so I have to step back and rationally tell myself to think positive thoughts and stop fantasizing about finally getting the upper hand in the whole situation!!

gratitude28

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2006, 08:27:46 PM »
bean,
As a kid I PRAYED that my parents would get divorced and I could go live with my dad. I envisioned myself happy Can you imagine a kid wishing for her parents to split up???????? And this was when I was very young... I want to say 8 - 10 or even younger. And I believed God punished me for being bad. And I used to have dreams (the sleeping kind) of screaming obscenities at my mother and hitting her. My bad thing since I have found out about this disorder is that I badly want to "set her off." I have the greatest desire to make her rage and show her colors. That is where I have to hold myself back.
So, bean, you are far from silly... you are my sister... remember???
Lots of love,
Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Hopalong

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2006, 08:59:55 PM »
(((((Bean, Beth, Kelly)))))

I think revenge thinking (daytime = fantasies; nighttime = dreams) events are just your subconscious mind blowing off some emotional pressure so you DON'T act out all your feelings.

Maybe if you remind yourself, this is a fantasy, that was a dream...I'll stop ruminating and do the next thing.

Then again, just do that again.

But don't add guilt on top of your poor beaten-up pysches, they have enough to cope with!

(If you find yourself sharpening the axe, well, that's different...)  :shock:

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

gratitude28

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2006, 09:04:20 PM »
I hate to say it, but I don't feel guilty about that one bit. I just don't want to act on it, because then I am being cruel like the people I am trying not to emulate...

Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Hopalong

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Re: Revenge Thinking - or being Stuck
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2006, 10:05:25 PM »
Oh good.
That's terrif, Beth.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."