meeting an old

[seasons]

delete

[pennyplant]

Hi seasons,

Do you think you are still attracting these types of people now, over and over again?  You seem very aware of the problems with this type of friend.  I can certainly empathize with your stories.  And also with your desire not to be stifled by such a person all over again.  This awareness could be the difference for you now, in not attracting these types anymore, at least not as often or as devastatingly as before.

It is good that she sent you a letter.  It gives you time and space to consider your reply.  I'm not sure what exactly you could say.  But I definitely support your idea of keeping it long distance.  Once a year, by phone, sounds like plenty.  She has not out grown her need to one up you and control you.  But I bet you have outgrown that particular dynamic!  And good for you that you have.

My old best friend from high school, who actually introduced me to my husband, who is her cousin, still makes overtures to me periodically.  We had a pretty serious falling out shortly after I started dating my husband.  For a number of years just the thought of running into her gave me anxiety.  I was actually afraid of her for a time due to some threatening things she said about me when we had the falling out.

It seems odd to me still that she tries to connect with me now after 27 years.  On the one hand, I do remember how nice it was, when we got along, to have a friend who was as "book smart" as me and had many similar interests.  However, once I found out how vindictive she could be, I knew it would only be a matter of time before she turned on me.  And I was right.  But all along, she was somewhat overbearing and stifled me.  Almost parental.  Back then I was used to that.  Now.... no way would I ever go back to that situation.  I'd rather be all alone and completely friendless than to subjugate myself again.  Because I do believe she hasn't changed her basic nature.  The old pattern would reassert itself again.  And I never want that again.

It doesn't sound like you would feel like yourself if you renew the friendship with this "snob".  (And hey, I like the blue collar guys, too!  I'm married to one also!)  I don't think she deserves you for a friend, seasons.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi Seasons,
This is hard to share, but with one particular friend for various anxiety and Nspot reasons, I became a horrible voice hog. Part of it was that she is an extreme introvert and I'm the opposite. I filled every silence. I cared about her and she shared many personal things, so it wasn't quite that simiple.

But what I was going to say was she ended our friendship. It was painful but oddly enough, I sort of agreed with her. I think we weren't a good fit as friends. We couldn't balance out together...she brought out my anxious clutchy trait and I brought out her mean streak. I was hurt for a while but later on, realized she had just told her own truth. She didn't feel good around me, and wasn't enjoying our friendship, so she made the choice.

You have every right to write your friend (here I go writing dialogue, please ignore what isnt helpful):

Dear ____,

I appreciate your good intentions and I'm sorry to backtrack, but I prefer not to get together. I have been doing some personal work, and one result is that I'm learning it's okay for me to decide not to pursue a friendship if it's not working for me.

It's truly not about you personally--I know with someone where there's mutual comfort and compatibility, there could be a fine friendship. But for me, with us, I'm not feeling what I'd need to feel to go further. We're not the right fit, but I do wish you much warm friendship in your life.

Please know that I do not want to hurt your feelings, but if I have, I hope it passes soon.

I wish you every good thing for the coming new year and all those ahead.

Or something like that, in Seasons' language?

I wonder what it would feel like to actually do this, to give yourself that permission. (Then I'd strongly advise quickly doing Block Sender, so if she responds with N-ish anger, you can choose intentionally not to read it. If you want.)

Vicariously, but hope it helps...

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Seasons - I had to let go of ALL of my old friends before I can begin to reattach.  My experience has been
a "take no prisoners" approach but not out of an intentional policy rather by abject loss and severe depression
and resentment. 

I got burned so many times by "friends" and when the last one just dropped me when I was at my losest my therapist who knew this friend and her husband (they connected me with him) told me to begin again but only pick good ones.  I laughed and then I cried because I clearly didn't have a clue how to pick the good ones.  That was 4 1/2 years ago.  I had no idea that it would take this long.  But now I have begun to learn how to not take other people's stuff personally and I have developed functional boundaries that are comfortable for the first time in my life.

Had I life to do again, I would not burn bridges again.  I endcourage you to keep distance from your friend but you can do it without
offending her.  Let her know that you are dealing with some changes in life and that you have withdrawn a little while you sort things out.  That will give you space while you do develop stronger boundaries and then you can decide later about what if any kind of relationship you want to have with her.

If I felt vulnerable right now I would not have had lunch with this long parted friend because she operate like a bulldozer.  That is why we parted in the first place - she didn't get what I was going through and just bulldozed right over me and I have a bulldozer tendancy myself.

Make some distance for yourself but don't cut the cords just yet.

And that question -

why do I attract these types of people in my life?

I had to ask myself that same question.  It took me a long time to find the answer and the answers I found had to do
with aspects of myself that I had to change.  They were weaknesses that I was unaware of.  But it all came down to
boundaries and insecurities.  One of the techniques I have used is to forgive those friends that have hurt me and to try to
love them from a distance on my terms.  It is like having virtual friendships with the part of them I liked and forget the rest.
Believe it or not I can work on my own strengths and weaknesses with this mental exercise.  I just take what I need and
leave the rest and I am finding that that is working in real life with acquaintences.

My thoughts are with you.  Trust your heart in dealing with this and other relationships.  Even when we are struggling or hurting our heart still seems to know the way.

your friend - Gaining Strength

[Gaining Strength]

Work on you then Seasons.  You will see progress.  That's one of the things that I love about this board is we can see the progress of others and hold that as encouragement for ourselves.  We are here for you.   Change comes and as you record it you begin to see that while it feels painfully slow it really is faster than it seems.  Just put one foot in front of the other, It will happen and there are so many of us here to help you along with courage and support.

We are here for you Seasons - Gaining Strength

[reallyME]

seasons,

Although I have said that I would never mention Jodi again, I am going to post about her even if maybe someone here gets sick of hearing about it.  This was MY reality and I have a right to share it.

When I read about how that lady shot down your son's master's degree and called him just a "broker," it brought back a not-so-long-ago situation in which I told Jodi about the restaurant that I owned (still do).  At first, my other friend (at the time), told me not to tell her any details about the restaurant...just to let her think I owned some sort of big chain of em.  At first I did that, but, after a while, I began feeling like there was that familiar "trust" back again, so I told Jodi that, actually, my brother-in-law holds the deed to the place and we just run it.  Jodi's response, "oh so what you are telling me is that it's just one of those little places in the mall, in the food court that you wouldn't have if it weren't for your brother in law."

I felt like "humph!  what do YOU own, lady?"

The truth is, her husband owns his own business, but she really does NOTHING in it, nor does she work, though she claims she almost had scholarships to some big-name schools.

Go figure.

ReallyME

[gratitude28]

Hah, Laura!!!! I knew a girl like that here too! I won't share all her story, as I find it tedious even to think of her... but she claimed she went to a school called the "little Berkely." No one had ever heard of the school or its supposed moniker... but of course her school was better than ours... and so on.
That was rude of Jodi to say... and shows her lack of appreciation for you.
Love, Beth