I borrowed this from another site I visit. One of the members posted it there and it really hit home:
Injustice Collectors
by Mark Sichel, LCSW
"My father always had a list of people who he felt were "bad." These
bad people, he felt, had insulted, injured, or treated him unjustly.
I was often on that list; at one point, he would not talk to me for a
period of five years. As he got older, his list grew and he became
even more isolated, angry, and bitter. It was very sad to watch, and
it was horrible to have to worry about it until he died when I was in
my fifties."
Barbara* is a 67-year-old woman who is telling me about her
difficulty in letting go of a chronic need to please people. She
feels that her need to please others is highly related to having
grown up with a parent who was an injustice collector. Barbara
identified with her mother, who was a People Pleaser until the day
she died, but her sister Eileen, on the other hand, inherited their
father's destructive habit of collecting wounds, insults, slights,
hurts, lack of respect, lack of understanding, and whatever other
grounds either of them could use to place people on their "Bad List."
Barbara and her mother are examples of People Pleasers; Eileen and
her father are examples of Injustice Collectors.
"Eileen seemed to want to spoil every moment of happiness in
everyone's life but her own. She always seemed to be able to
manipulate a story and present it in a way that would portray her or
her family as poor pitiful victims of whoever in the family seemed to
be having a good day. For years, rather than get angry, I would, as I
had learned from dealing with our father, quickly apologize and
scramble to make everything ok again. I never really felt that I did
anything terrible to Eileen, certainly nothing to merit her levels of
rage, but whatever it was, I'd always make the peace."
Barbara told me that her sister's chronic drama would repeatedly take
the form of hurling accusations at her or her husband or children,
and then saying, "I'm done. I'm never speaking to you again." Barbara
would immediately say she was sorry, and then spend inordinate
amounts of time courting Eileen for forgiveness. Whatever Eileen
accused her of did not make sense to her; nonetheless, she
immediately felt that it was her fault. She felt overcome with shame
and guilt, and in her self-blame would readily prostrate herself
before Eileen, groveling to get through the episode and avoid an ugly
scene at a family event.
When Barbara's oldest son Lawrence was getting married, he had
decided to have a small wedding, and to that end, while he had
invited his Aunt Eileen and her husband, he had not invited their
grown children with whom he had never been closely involved. Two days
before Lawrence's wedding, Barbara had received the dreaded call of
rage from Eileen. This time, however, when Eileen shouted, "I'm never
speaking to you again, instead of scrambling to fix it, Barbara
simply said, "OK. Goodbye." She hung up the phone and never looked
back.
"My father died a bitter, lonely and angry man, taking his
precious "bad list" into the coffin with him. The funeral was sad for
me, not because I would miss him and his atrocious behavior, but
because by that point he had alienated everyone but my mother and
sister, and we were the only ones at the funeral. I realized with my
sister that she was going to play out the same ugly drama, and I
finally decided that I didn't need or want to be part of that."
Characteristics of Injustice Collectors:
Injustice Collectors are convinced that they are never wrong. How is
it possible that they are never wrong? It is simple: They are always
right.
Injustice Collectors never apologize. Ever. For anything.
Injustice Collectors truly believe that they are morally and
ethically superior to others and that others chronically do not hold
themselves to the same high standards as the injustice collector
does.
Injustice Collectors make the rules, break the rules and enforce the
rules of the family. They are a combined legislator, police, and
judge and jury of
Injustice Collectors never worry about what is wrong with themselves
as their "bad list" grows. Their focus is always on the failings of
others.
Injustice Collectors are never upset by the disparity of their rules
for others with their own expectations of themselves.
Injustice Collectors rationalize their own behavior with great ease
and comfort.
The unfortunate outcome in the dysfunctional family is that either
the People Pleaser has to become progressively more crippled and
entrenched in their subservient role in the family, or else they
become healthier and stronger and ultimately are accused of breaking
up the family. The sad part about this drama is that once the People
Pleaser has grown to the point where their self-respect is high
enough to not grovel and shake in the presence of the injustice
collector, the family remains divided.
