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Letting go of Mom although the issue of inheritance niggles.

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surf14:
I am the daughter of an emotionally and physically abusive mother; I have spent the majority of my life living as geographically far away from her as possible  and because of this I have been able to attain a good amount of mental health.  The problem is that she, several years ago, inherited her mother's fortune and money is a terrible weapon for a narcissist to wield.  I made my choice years ago (left to pursue my own life and health, she never forgave me as my purpose supposedly was to exist as a moon orbiting her earth) knowing the money would be a future issue. I am considering  'letting go' for good in light of a recent conversation with her where she once again reverted to disloyal and cruel  discourse.  I can let go of any claim I may have to the money although it is hard as  I am 52 and am tired from having struggled in that abusive home and struggled to raise my two daughters after my N husband made clear that he loved them but wanted no financial responsiblity  for them.   I can't sell out now for the money any more than I ever could and my mother is furious to discover this.  I always loved my mother despite the heartache but if I release her I have decided for my own peace of mind that it will be done with compassion and a regard for her fragility rather than with anger.  If i nail her and give her a painful reflection back I am afraid we will be stuck together for all time in an angry dance in time and I would like to be done with her forever and want never to see her again, either in heaven or in the next lifetime. Thanks for checking this posting out.

Anonymous:
I am confused. I don't think letting go of your mom (not sure what that means) is the same as relinquishing claims on her estate.

bunny

surf14:
Hi Guest, here's the issue.  My Mom uses money as a weapon and the unspoken rules are that she is to be the center of attention and is not to be even remotely criticized or held to any  standard of behavior in any way.   I have had very limited contact with over the past 25 years because she could  not refrain from splitting, criticizing and manipulating, the usual stuff.  when she would do these things I would distance even more since I wasn't allowed to have a voice or say anything to protect myself; this she sees as sheer abandonment.  She seems always to want a relationship but when it comes down to it she resorts to the age-old defenses which alienate me.  Two weeks ago after our phone conversation where she gleefully went for the juggular when I was talking about my frustration with my XN husband and how I had not been able to turn his destructive behavior in the relationship she took a gleeful breath and jumped in with her sword accusing me of 'enabling' him in  the marriage. Now I don't even know if she really nows what enabling is but the peasure with which she dove at me to bring me down several pegs was unmistakable.   Now enabling I did not do and divorse is a devastating thing and you don't go into someone els's wound and make sport of their pain.  So I sent her a gentle e-mail saying that this had hurt my feelings as I had done everything I could to  turn him and had been unsuccessful.   (she may recognized that he is a bit too much like her and therefore is sympathetic to him) She got furious and sent me back  an e-mail in huge bold black  letters  without a greeting or a goodbye saying a one liner alluding to denial; I haven't heard from her since.  I know her very well and what this means is that if I wantttocontinue the relationship I will have to crawl to regain her approval; if I do not do this she will not seek me out and say 'lets talk' or anything reasonable like that.  What she will do is send me a haughty e-mail and tell me she has cut me out of the will; she uses her money as power and as a fortress to protect her from any feedback or having to take any repsonsibility in the relationship.  The standoff will probably go on until Mother's Day which will be the day of truth. If I don't  acknowledge that  day by sending her flowers or something she will assuredly cut me off and yet I can hardly face drawing her closer at Mother's Day and perpetuating the lie yet again.  Yet, I hate to hurt her ( I know, even tho my feelings don't matter at all) and she has such a difficult time giving even if I continued to take her abuse and conduct a pretend relationship with her its questionable what she would actually be willing  to will me in the end anyhow.  Its like she keeps waiting for me to change and I keep waiting for her to change and we are both aware at this point that niether is going to change so why continue.  I'm getting a little old for this kind of game but hoped we could at least have an amicable relationship so when she does pass on there is closure there.  I am sure tho that when she writes me her vile follow up e-mail cutting me off that if i simply wish her well and say good bye that I will gain closure.  In a pastpost Guest you talked of how difficult it is to cut off from a mother; yes it is even if they are cruel and uunloving.  Thicht Nhat Hahn: "suffering nourishes compassion".

rosencrantz:
I don't know if this helps surf14 but so much of what you express is well, 'traditional' for ACONs  - so you're not alone in this.

We know how cruel they are and yet we fear 'hurting' them.  We clearly see them as vulnerable even tho they are so destructive.  We are made powerless as well as voiceless by their vulnerability - or is it their clever manipulation to make themselves appear so vulnerable.  As vulnerable as a Brown Bear, I think!!!

But I think we ACONs are also very vulnerable to 'being wrong', being 'in the wrong' and coping with criticism of any kind.  And for good reason after the way we were brought up to - always wrong, but always expected to always be perfect in all that we do.

But we're not perfect and THAT'S OK!!  

The other side of the coin is the 'grain of truth' syndrome.  There's always enough 'truth' for any criticism to find a home in our heart and create panic that we have indeed got is ALL wrong, that we are TOTALLY at fault, that we are MISERABLE wrecks worth nothing on this earth.

Does that seem familiar???

I think the only way to handle it is to let it go!  Accept the merest tiniest speck of 'truth' in what she says - don't bother to argue with her and find a 'yeah, yeah' attitude.  Should frustrate the hell out of her!   :twisted:

Difficult to do, of course.

And, I hope you will forgive my presumption, (you will see that my reason for saying this is that I've thought the same thoughts) - I wonder how much the threat of being 'cut out of her will' is in your mind rather in her reality.  

I know my father lived frugally because he intended me to have something after he had gone but I feared my mother would take it all away from me if I didn't 'behave'!  It was only when I let go of wanting anything at all from her that I stopped fearing her power over me.  

It's true that I feared my mother's impact on me more than I feared the loss of the money (so perhaps it made it easier for me to give it up!!). It's more than possible that my mother would like to threaten me with it as yet one more weapon in her arsenal.  But if I truly don't care and don't need the money (whether I think I do or not), then it's not a weapon any  more.

We ACONs have to work on removing the hooks deep within us - no hooks, no room for them to hang their coat!!  There's enough abundance in the world for there to be plenty for all of us elsewhere in the world - we don't need to get what we need from our mothers!!!  There's a famous phrase for handling this kind of situation : Who's NEXT! (In other word, look around you for what you need, not just in one direction of lack).

Kind thoughts
R

surf14:
Dear Rosencrantz;  I continue to be moved by the heartfelt and understanding people like your self who particiate on this forum.  When I first entered this forum several days ago I told a very close friend of mine that the discourse was so meaningful and also sad that it would break your heart.  Its so clear that ACON's understand each other's experiences so well because they all seem so similar and we have all experienced so much pain.  I have built my 'family of joy'   as I like to refer to it here in Hawaii and I know I don't need her in my life but my anxiety on experiencing or initiating cutoff, combined with my reluctance  to induce pain in her I recognize as signs of enmeshment.  If ONLY she could just give me an ounce of respect so we didn't have to go to complete estrangement. It  is such a needless tradedy for everyone.  In terms of the estate, thanks for suggesting it may be more in my mind than hers that she would do this but she will; its the only source of power she feels she has and she has no qualms about exercising it.  Again, N's have strange relationships to money.  Thanks again.

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