Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Letting go of Mom although the issue of inheritance niggles.
surf14:
P.S. I am afraid if I go' yeah yeah' to her lies that I am reinforcing the voicelessness that she has always tried to enforce on me. I mean, if I did that wouldn't I be enabling HER? It may be time for a change.
Surf14
Anonymous:
Surf14 Hi and welcome.
I've been reading your posts and had a few thoughts I'd like to share with you.
First, if you wanted to you can go through memberlist here. There's a name 'Pheonix' who has contributed a lot and some of her story is somewhat like yours and many responses she's had are very insightful and hopefully that may offer some insights and food for thought.
The following are my thoughts on untangling are not requiring you to answer me but just food for thought too.
How would you relate to your mother now if there was no money or inheritance in the picture at all. If we can eliminate the whole financial issue and remove the whole money side from the scene momentarily, and all you had with her and could get from her was the emotional side that you're experiencing and receiving and have been participating in what would you do? How would you relate to her?
I can understand a little about the power she's weilding. And if you feel the money angle does have some relevance to you this is perfectly normal and okay. It doesn't in any way make you insincere or not loving. Inheritances that I've received have played a vital role in my and my family's quality of life and I've been so grateful.
It's the pain you feel when someone has physically and emotionally abused in your early years. It's perfectly reasonable to feel that they owe you something for what they've taken away. The feelings do get very tangled. This also doesn't make you less sincere.
But we don't always get what we want because sometimes others and ourselves also are completely unwilling to change. Imagine that your mother after all this anxiety she's caused you, and power that's she's weilded in your life, and all your attempts to explain and reconcile, she just up and left her wealth to charity and not to you. What would you wish you had done then?
I suppose it comes down to seeing where we want to be, and where we want to go, and who we want to become. I wrote and made a type of 'Victim Impact Statement' to my N parent which I put a tremendous amount of thought into. I didn't realise at the time what I was doing but I just knew I had to do it. In writing it out, by correcting and re-expressing I healed a lot, and a lot of closure if not all happened inside me. It resulted in us never having anything to do with each other again which was their choice because I finished it by stating what I would or wouldn't tolerate in future contact. This right that I demanded has never been violated. I live in complete peace with this aspect of my life and I have closure. I hope this helps in some way.
All the best, guest.
rosencrantz:
I give you a sad pat on the shoulder surf14 -
--- Quote ---If ONLY she could just give me an ounce of respect
--- End quote ---
- if she's the full NPD, she just can't, she just doesn't know how. The thing I grappled with is that we just don't exist for them - they'll never 'get it'. If you can get into, through and over that whole concept, you'll feel a lot better but it's a tough row to hoe.
Take care
R
Karin:
Hi Surf14
My mother is not as N as yours, but she still held that power over me (also over distance). The point came eventually where I did an 'internal' cut-off as well and that made the difference. I have a decent relationship with her now, because she no longer has any hold over me. There were several reasons how I reached that 'point'; I decided that I was not responsible for her happiness, I was not going to feel guilty for not supplying that happiness and I didn't need her approval for anything.
I find myself doing the 'yeah, yeah', naturally as the things that used to upset me now just fly over my head. It sounds doubtful whether your mother has it in her to show you any respect. The important thing for you is to keep going until you find that point where she no longer pushes your buttons. After that, who knows, you may be able to have a kind of relationship with her.
Take care of yourself for a change, not her.
Karin.
surf14:
Thanks very much Guest, Rosencrantz and Karin for your replies. Its funny Guest but of course you are right about asking myself the question as to how I would feel if there were no money in the picture at all to muddle things up; in fact I asked my self that very question earlier today and am so glad you also voiced that. The answer I came up with was that at this point in my life, after all I've been through, I would just fade away from my mohter as I certainly don't need this in my life at all; and yes Karin I was thinking too that its time to take care of myself now, if for no other reason than that the girls rely on me less, I am tired and I have fewer problems to take care of these days. I am understanding this disorder Rosencrantz, much more clearly as I read how N's are unable to empathize and need so deperately to feel OK and visible that they will take their children down first without a qualm to accomplish this. Sometimes lately I just feel sad for my mom and my sisters (one is an alcoholic borderline PD and the other is sad and beholden) that we had to experience this to this extent in this lifetime and then alternately I know this has made me more compassionate and sensitive to others, which is a good thing. Just sometimes wish things had been different. I don't feel she owes me the money because of what she put me through but if you have money I feel you share it with your children because you love and nurture them; that's exactly whats missing here. Thanks much all and aloha.
Surf14
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