Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Letting go of Mom although the issue of inheritance niggles.
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: surf14 ---Two weeks ago after our phone conversation where she gleefully went for the juggular when I was talking about my frustration with my XN husband and how I had not been able to turn his destructive behavior in the relationship she took a gleeful breath and jumped in with her sword accusing me of 'enabling' him in the marriage.
--- End quote ---
--- Quote from: surf14 ---So I sent her a gentle e-mail saying that this had hurt my feelings as I had done everything I could to turn him and had been unsuccessful.
--- End quote ---
--- Quote from: surf14 ---What she will do is send me a haughty e-mail and tell me she has cut me out of the will; she uses her money as power and as a fortress to protect her from any feedback or having to take any repsonsibility in the relationship. The standoff will probably go on until Mother's Day which will be the day of truth. If I don't acknowledge that day by sending her flowers or something she will assuredly cut me off and yet I can hardly face drawing her closer at Mother's Day and perpetuating the lie yet again.
--- End quote ---
Okay. Here is what I think, for what it's worth...
(1) With a narcissist like her, do not confide your personal problems, *especially* marital ones. Keep all conversations superficial and shallow. It's the only way, believe me.
(2) You don't know for certain that she'll cut you out of her will. Nor do you know whether she will go to an attorney and do it. Nor do you know whether you're in her will to begin with. I'd disregard the whole will business.
(3) You haven't yet tested a relationship with your mother where you keep things shallow and don't confide in her. You might want to try such a relationship before cutting her off completely. If you want to send her flowers on Mother's Day, go ahead. It's just a gesture and doesn't mean you approve of her behavior.
bunny
surf14:
Thanks Bunny for your input; I have definately come to the conclusion as well that I must not talk to my mother about anything of substance. I'm afraid if I give her flowers for Mother's Day I will be reinforcing her behavior and once again she will not need to take responsibility to just be "nice" or civil to me. As usual then I will be the one that is expected to do all the 'work' while she is free to treat her children in a bullying and abusive fashion with no consequences for this behavior and no need on her part to address making amends when she acts abusively. I know about her legal will and that it exists but I have not seen it for myself; I have come to the coclusion that it is worth letting go if for no other reason than that she has proved time and again that she cannot give. (on a visit here to Hawaii three years ago I had asked her to consider when we went shopping to ask my girls if they would like a little something, I didn't want to be embarrassed or have her embarrass herself by her miserliness; all the way down the mall she kept saying "I can't do this, I just don't know how to do this." I almost told her to forget it if buying a tee shirt for her grandaughter was such a major trauma. I was appalled!) Anyhow, I feel that regaining voice means not taking responsibilty for her cruel ways but rather giving her the space to decide if she cares enough to be responsible for her behavior. Aloha
PS: several months ago she was going thru her things and asked me if there was anything I'd like after she passed on. Three times I referenced something that I thought would be a family keepsake to treasure and all three times after I identified the object she said "no" and then gave an excuse as to why she wouldn't give it like , "oh, that's hard to mail" or such like this. Now, one knows when someonoe is dangling a carrot out there and when one is told to reach for it and it is consistantly pulled back that there is a game going down. It hurt my feelings and I wanted to tell her that its because of things like this that we get into trouble in our relationship but I knew she couldn't, or wouldn't handle the feedback. So, I sucked it up as usual but when she kept asking again for what I wanted I just told her that it really came down to what she wanted to give. I never heard about this again.
Anonymous:
surf,
Your mother is extremely, *extremely* infantile. She truly has no idea how to be an adult. She's probably incapable of adult thinking. If you realize that she is a small child who cannot develop any further, you may be able to have a relationship with her (if you choose). It's apparently no great loss if you cut her loose but I've found that mothers have a powerful place in our psyche and it's hard to get rid of them.
bunny
seeker:
Hi Surf14,
The carrot thing, UGH!
When I read similar stories on the board, I think of the Peanuts cartoon strip with Charlie Brown always being talked into trying to kick the football by Lucy. Lucy ALWAYS says she will be good this time and will really hold the football in place. Charlie Brown ALWAYS falls for it. Lucy ALWAYS pulls the ball away at the last second and CB ALWAYS falls on his butt. Lucy ALWAYS laughs.
This same joke happened year after year when football season started. I always hated this joke and didn't know why. Just thought Lucy was mean and Charlie was stupid for believing again. (I'm not saying you're stupid). But I really hate how some mean people take advantage of our good, trusting nature. If we're not the defective ones, how come we get hurt? :(
I now realize that Lucy has a personality disorder. :shock: :D Seeker
surf14:
Yes Bunny, you are exactly right; she is very infantile and has no idea how to behave as an adult. That poses a real dilemma for her kids in terms of carrying on a relationship with her. My younger siister, who lives geographically within five miles from her and who has born the brunt of all this, seems to understand this stuff on a gut level although she has been estranged from my mother from time to time as well. Because I have not, thankfully, been back there to interact much over the years the hurtful episodes are very hurtful; I guess I haven't had a chance to develop coping mechanisms to deal with it. So when she does stuff like this we're always back to square 1; I distance myself in order to protect myself and she considers this abandonment which she cannot forgive. Its an endless dance! But you are right; I would have to radically alter my expectations of her behavior and character in order to conduct a superficial relationship with her; then again if I do that I feel like I just accomodate her perception of reality and perpetuate the lie that she is the 'Queen Mother" without giving her the chance to take responsibility for herself. (but we know she will probably never change) Sticky stuff and confusing. I have to think about this more. Thanks.
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