Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Letting go of Mom although the issue of inheritance niggles.
surf14:
To Seeker,
Yes, when there is a recurring pattern in life and we continue unawares going for the same bait one has to wonder why the eyes aren't open. In the case of 'mother' I don't know if others can relate to this but it seems so basic that a mother would love and nurture her kid that the kid (me) keeps expecting that she has finally understood and is acting like a mom should. Like I say, I haven't been back there nor have I seen her much for 25 years (I couldn't bear to) so have built a healthy life and healthy friends here where I live. I seem to forget her basic character and am always brought up short when the N rears its reproachable head. Aloha
rosencrantz:
When my father died last year, I mentioned to my mother that I was very keen to have a cutting from the crab apple tree in the front garden to plant and grow in my own.
I guess you can understand the thoughts and feelings behind that wish. You may not know exactly what they are but you'll have a feel for what that's about.
My mother - (you need to understand that she won't have anything done to the house which is practically falling down and won't pay anyone to do anything...) suddenly prioritised the garden and arranged for the tree to be chopped down.
:shock:
Now, if I said anything about this to anyone they'd say I was being paranoid (BTW my mother hasn't told me - the social worker told me - she didn't know the history, it was just a statement of fact to her - she admired the fact that she'd actually got something done!!!). When I got off the phone from the social worker, I smply stated it as a fact to my husband in much the same way as the social worker had - and his face was a picture - and I said "You know, don't you". HE knew and he's not a sentimental kind and it wasn't his memory or his father and I hadn't made a big deal of it to him (I think I'd mentioned it to both of them when we were in the garden just before the funeral) - and HE knew!!! He KNEW!!!
And I bet YOU know, too!!! You know what that's all about. What the sub-text is and what she meant by it.
I've never expressed this before, but here goes : HEARTLESS BITCH!!!
There is another side of me which can step into her shoes and understand that it probably wasn't her intention to be a heartless bitch - you don't call a child who's had nothing and can't let go of anything a heartless bitch, do you. But it's such a million miles away from how I experience her and what it does to me (all of us ACONs). To her it wasn't a terrible thing - she would probably feel ashamed if she ever dared to recognise what she did - and it's knowing that that makes us feel that they are vulnerable and we have to be careful around them.
But WE HAVE FEELINGS TOO and if WE don't look after our interests, look after ourselves, there sure as hell ain't anybody else doing so. Therefore, look out for your own interests first - don't expect THEM to.
Sad, but true.
R
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: surf14 ---I would have to radically alter my expectations of her behavior and character in order to conduct a superficial relationship with her; then again if I do that I feel like I just accomodate her perception of reality and perpetuate the lie that she is the 'Queen Mother" without giving her the chance to take responsibility for herself. (but we know she will probably never change)
--- End quote ---
I don't think adapting to your mother's limitations is giving in to her. It's more like changing the current strategy which doesn't work. You're the one who is more healthy, so unfortunately the burden of adult behavior falls on you. This is how I manage with my mother, and it's not easy. I'd prefer her to be more grownup but she simply isn't.
bunny
surf14:
Rozencrantz; I
I feel so bad as I read about the tree; I recognized it immediately for what it was and that was unforgiveably cruel of your Mom. Her behavior is consistant though with the disorder and they don't appear to think about what their behavior signifies; this is where the blinders come in and they seem to be patently stupid. How were you able to refrain from confronting her?
Bunny, you've reframed the problem and the solution; I guess for me to be able to view her behavior from that perspective I would have to shrink her down from "mother " in my mind to "monster brat" and I would go on limiting interaction with her because how unpleasant is that to have to deal with on a consistant basis? Bunny, when your mom acts poorly and says cruel things are you able to get around having your feelings hurt anymore by having an accurate sensse of where her limitaitons are and where she is stuck developmentally? Its been good to talk with people who've had the same experiences as those on this forum; helps you wade through years of questiions and turmoil previously understood by only the closest of friends.
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: surf14 ---Bunny, when your mom acts poorly and says cruel things are you able to get around having your feelings hurt anymore by having an accurate sense of where her limitaitons are and where she is stuck developmentally?
--- End quote ---
My feelings still get hurt but the pain doesn't persist as long. I'm in therapy so I have someone to talk to about her.
bunny
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