You are all probably going to think I am a sell-out. And I feel like I am. Anyway, Hello, everyone, ... I am fairly new to this forum.
The problem is this: First of all, I didn't know anything about N until about 10 days ago, when I got a book out of the public library called **Trapped in the Mirror.** It's for families of N's trying to find themselves and heal themselves. It's written by the daugher of an N, who is also a therapist. I notice this book has been mentioned here on the Forum, too.
I'd read some of Vaknin's stuff a while back, but it didn't quite "sit" with what I needed; but this book did.
Anyway, my parents, especially my dad, was determined never to let me "get away" from him. Like surf14 says, my mother and he -- but especially he -- used money as a weapon, or a way to tie me to them. I was essentially forcibly prevented from growing up, from learning any life skills to take care of myself; I was kept helpless in a way.
In addition to this, I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by him, and (sound familiar?) not protected by my cool, and emotionally neglectful mother. There was terrible turmoil in my family of 2 parents and 3 siblings. I am the oldest, brother is next and then my younger sister.
I tried moving thousands of miles away from Mother and Daddy, but they would follow me and move, too, to live nearby.
My parents grew up with money; then their families lost money in the Great Depression. When they grew up, they got professional jobs (Daddy was a corporation attorney, Mother a public school teacher) and when they had put me through college by age 21 (my brother is self-educated and my sister didn't finish college till her 40s) my parents began to pile up money.
I had always had mood disorders, and of course this made me dependent on Daddy's money. He controlled the money.
I tried and tried to support myself, but had many nervous breakdowns, but was never hospitalized because my (3) husbands were all crazy, too, and between my crazy family and theirs, I guess nobody wanted the various dirty linens exposed, so I was kept out of hospital? Who really knows.
I mostly worked; I had a lot of different sorts of jobs, but my main ones were teaching and office work. I was good at both types of work. But socially on the job, was terrified when I was at work. I usually had conflict with one or two people at work, and got along very well with everyone else.
Another major problem was that I did not have the stamina to do the work. I have always tired easily. Even in high school, I went to a doctor about exhaustion. He did not know what was wrong. This seems to be a familial problem. My great aunt had exhaustion. And my brother has it,although he is a physical tower of strength, and home builder with his own hands. He has to work for himself because he can't work for anyone else. He did work for the Feds for about 15 years and he says it "about killed him."
I finally ended up working for myself for 19 years, and it was much better, but I was not able to support myself because I could only work 3 days a week in student-contact (i.e. paid hours). The rest of the time I was either resting or planning. When I got my third divorce, I went back to work and got fired, fired, fired because by then I was no longer young and cute, and could not keep up with the work pace.
In the earlier years, I DID try to get counseling, but in those days family counseling was not the "thing" and it was always "fix the broken person", you see. And throughout my life, nothing helped, either. I tried EVERYTHING except dumping or disconnecting from my family of origin. And money was at least one of the major reasons.
Meanwhile, now I am 62; Mother is 86; Daddy died about 4 years ago at 86.
Daddy's will left all to Mother, and I think there were provisions for us 3 "kids," too. But Mother is not a generous person. Daddy was very generous to us.
Daddy loved me -- the most of all the kids. Even though Daddy was very cruel to me, he also loved me and I don't know about his feelings, but I had a very strong love-hate relationship with him. Not sexual. My hate relationship was stronger than my love.
Had my family not had money, I think I would have left them all a long time ago. But I needed help monetarily, because I could not support myself, and I did not know what to do.
Now, I again/still want to leave them all behind. I loathe my sister in law. My sister has always been ambivalent towards me and last Saturday I realized she is an N. She was very sweet and good to me when we were children; but I was very mean to her then. She was terrified of me and my Dad, but we also all had mutual protection of and from each other. Daddy and I were the tyrants then. Sister was the "sweet one," and I was the "strong one." I retained me sense of self, of my own identity. She has told me that she never knew, still does not know, who she is. That she had subverted herself and hidden behind sweetness in order to avoid the terrors and physical abuse that I endured as I fought to retain my sense of personal dignity and identity. We are both sure that she was not aware that she was doing this, when she was young, of course.
My sister has been getting more and more difficult in the last 8-10 years, and she does not take care of herself in some major ways. She looks great -- a true yuppie even if she is 55 y/o! She is gorgeous. But she is Super Mom -- and her two sons are full grown!
She is under constant stress. When she DOES take care of herself, she and I get along well. But now, as most of the time, she is under such stress that her judgment is off, and as such I cannot trust her. She stressed herself into a mastectomy and was ordered by the doctor to destress, but has not done so. She has wanted to change jobs for NINE YEARS and has not taken even a single step to do that! She has asked Mother's and my support to get rid of her stress; but when we give practical advice, she finally quit asking us. Recently she remodelled her expensive home, on credit -- so now she can't afford to change jobs anyway! And she wants to go to Europe on credit this summer, too.
Mother is some sort of N, too. Daddy was some sort of N. My brother is not an N. But he is a mystery man and there is a lot of secrecy in our family. Last Saturday my sister insulted me so badly it was a great shock; she also insulted my sweet, caring, loving Significant Other, who has never known anything like such a family as I have! So I have not spoken to my sister since then (as of last Tuesday, she has tried to contact me, but I have ignored it.)
I admire the many people here who have managed to cut themselves off from their families of origin, or from certain members of their families.
Last month, my sister and I also had a row. That time it was over a very SIMPLE matter in my mother's will, which involved only me. But my sister acted like it also involved her and my brother, and that THEY were in control of what I wanted. I was outraged. I then called my mother and told her I wanted out of her will and to hell with her and her money and I was tired of cow-towing to her and Daddy and their money all these years and for her to forget it all.
But I decided against it, and a few days later called her back and apologized for being rude. She said she didn't think I had been rude. Can you even imaging her saying that?????????????? She is so out of it -- Daddy was so horrible to her, Sis says, that she doesn't know what "normal rudeness" is like, we think.
We are talking about $350,000 in inheritance, for each of us 3 siblings. My mother is 86 years old. But she could live to be 100. Her grandfather lived to the age of 98.
I live on $592.00 per month Social Security Disability. And I think of suicide a lot. But this is a habit since age 10. When my medications are working better, I don't do this. And I have never had a suicide attempt, so please don't worry. I was upset when I wrote this last Tuesday, and am feeling better now b/c I upped my antidepressant w/ my doctor's permission and they kicked in on Thursday. But the funding cutbacks have me really worried about my mental health services, which keep getting less and less.
Oh -- I am the beneficiary of a smaller "special needs trust" (for disabled people) which is from a house I sold, plus $10,000 Daddy gave to each of us. It totals $25,000 and is supposed to last the rest of my life.
Any comments people think would be helpful would be most welcome. I am really torn about my family, and most of all, angry at myself for putting up with them for so many years. I am so ambivalent about all this. None of my other friends have a huge amount of money -- why should I? But even my sweetheart tells me that the money is MINE and I am entitled to it, as the daughter. And believe me, he is NOT trying to "get the money." He is 74 y/o and knows he does not have a long time to live. And besides, the money will be in a trust FOR ME and he knows he is not able to get any actual funds from a trust, b/c I cannot. He is thinking only of me.
I just feel like I have been too soft on money; but am also torn b/c I have been so helpless for too long.
So, as is surf14, I would greatly appreciate any and all thoughts and advice. Sorry this is so long, and thank you for reading or at least looking this over,
Flo
