MrT Back - 2 years gone. This Board Helped! Moved on with my life

[td]

Hi all,
Thanks to all you guys for your input a few years back!!!....I don't know exactly why I left the board or why I let the days turn into months and years... I guess I realized with everyone's help that I wasn't crazy. I DID have a voice and I knew I was going to survive this with my sanity and emotions intact. There is hope for anyone feeling as tormented as I did a few years back. My apologies for abandoning everyone...but I just got to a point where I couldn't talk about it or them anymore.

The N's that were in my life (5 years now estranged) (I finally realized and worked through..with you guys' help)  are just not worth the energy to get all worked up about. I just don't miss 'em or all that drama.

I still scratch my head sometimes and wonder why they don't make a fuss and why I'm not important enough to even attempt a visit or to call, but I'm not complaining, it just hurts a little. To know that I'm not that important to them anymore. It's a relief and a blessing to be rid of all that toxicity, to live my life peacefully.

I've settled into a quiet calm routine and everybody in my life now knows that I DO have a voice because I don't do Anything I don't want to and I do not get manipulated or put on a guilt trip. I throw it off and shut it down. I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

I did quit Lexapro cold turkey even though I was advised by several people on this board not to. (I ran out and didn't renew - so to speak)  I DON'T RECOMMEND IT!! I still get weird shocks and sounds in my brain.

My issues have faded so I'm here to try to help now...

MrT.

[mrt]

Oh, yes, I STILLl don't have this board figured out.... so bear with me.

MrT (td)

[seasons]

,Hi td,
Thanks for sharing your story of triumph. How wonderful to have come so far with clarity and strength in your ((Voice)).

I still scratch my head sometimes and wonder why they don't make a fuss and why I'm not important enough to even attempt a visit or to call, but I'm not complaining, it just hurts a little. To know that I'm not that important to them anymore. It's a relief and a blessing to be rid of all that toxicity, to live my life peacefully.

I scratch my head sometimes too! I understand the pain and congratulate you for having no room for them and living peacefully.

What a nice way to start the morning a voice of hope that change is possible. Any tips you feel comfortable sharing would be great. Only if your up to sharing how you worked through it, which I know must of been very hard work!!!!

Continued happiness to you..........seasons

[penelope]

hi mr T

welcome back, although I wasn't here 2 years ago I probably read your posts in the archives.    

Thank you for sharing this morning.  I agree, what a lovely way to start off the day.  sometimes I wonder myself when the pain is going to subside.  Sometimes I have whole days where I don't think about my Ns...but then out of the blue, a sharp stab of pain or remorse hits me. 

hugs,
p bean

[mrt]

Any tips you feel comfortable sharing would be great. Only if your up to sharing how you worked through it, which I know must of been very hard work!!!!

Seasons, Thank you for your positive comments.

Well for one thing, I shared everything that was bugging me...I got it all off my chest. (On this board  -  That's what this place is about - being a sounding board)  I didn't care how outrageous it sounded or how "whiny" I felt. I didn't "clean it up" to protect the N's crazy behavior. I was reassured by the others here that I wasn't crazy, that these N's did sound mentally deranged and eventually I was guided to turn my attention to those left in my life and to focus my energies on the ones I loved.


That's what I recommend others to do here. Let it out. Just dare to put in words what you are feeling about what's been done to you and how you felt then and how you are feeling about it now.

MrT

[mrt]

sometimes I wonder myself when the pain is going to subside.  Sometimes I have whole days where I don't think about my Ns...but then out of the blue, a sharp stab of pain or remorse hits me. 

Hi p bean,

Thanks for your positive comments as well,
I think the pain will lessen with time and with an understanding of "who" you were dealing with,
The pain and anger that I occasionally feel - I understand, but this remorse thing really works me over...( I'm still reeling with that to this day)

What triggers your remorse - what do you feel remorseful about? (I feel remorse  of having crossed that line and challenging the N's - ignorance is bliss and I feel I should of stayed blissfully unaware.  I wouldn't have had all these feelings to content with) 

Mr T

[reallyME]

Mr T, I, too, scratch my head sometimes and wonder how people who claim to love and care about you one moment, can turn and totally see you as having "disappeared" or even "never having existed" in some cases, in the next moment.

I don't believe anyone who has not dealt with this personality defect, could truly understand how deeply the pain goes and for how long it lasts.

Even the very people who believe I'm out to "get" them by exposing their actions, could never realize that I actually still struggle with feelings of love for them that go beyond words.  I still care about them although, given what I was offered in return, I sometimes wonder WHY?  I often wish I could just pretend THEY never existed, but, alas, it is US who are the healthy ones...those who realize that those people really DID come across our path and teach us how NOT to treat others, and those people will probably never BE the ones they wanted us to believe they were.  It is all just sad to me, but yes, I DO love Jodi and I always will...for whatever reasons...if only just because I was giving love to an IDEA of who someone was, but not the reality or actuality of who she really WAS and IS.

~Laura

[mudpuppy]

Hi MrT,

I still scratch my head sometimes and wonder why they don't make a fuss and why I'm not important enough to even attempt a visit or to call, but I'm not complaining, it just hurts a little.

I suspect you are far more important to them than you realize; you probably are the object of a great deal of discussion. It's not that they don't think of you or that you're not important, it's that you, as one who refuses to endorse their fantasy world are a threat to it. So you have been written off as a non person, until you realize the error of your ways and beg their pardon. The N's don't contact you because they are waiting for you to make your kow tow to ask to be let back into their weird world. Those relatively normal people enmeshed with them ( assuming there are any) don't contact you because they don't want the same treatment you have gotten and because they believe the lies told about you. Ostracization is a very common and powerful weapon N's use against those people who defy their control.

If they aren't contacting you for those reasons, maybe it doesn't hurt quite as much?

mud

[mrt]

Am I not understanding something about your statement about remorse????????

Moonlight,
My statement about remorse is just one of the many emotions that I feel regarding this whole situation. It's like in the Matrix - I should of taken the "red" pill (or is it "blue" pill) and would of never been "awakened"  It just a thought that rears its ugly head every now and again. It's not the way I feel all the time...

Most of the time I'm glad I'm not ignorant anymore but at times I do "feel" remorse of opening this giant can of worms.
 
Mr T

[mrt]

I sometimes wonder WHY?  I often wish I could just pretend THEY never existed, but, alas, it is US who are the healthy ones...those who realize that those people really DID come across our path and teach us how NOT to treat others, and those people will probably never BE the ones they wanted us to believe they were.  It is all just sad to me~Laura

reallyME,
You've got it figured out. and Oh yes, I forget the sadness it all conjures up. Sometimes you tell yourself - If they just knew that they were this way and...could change....then....... That's where you realize it is so futile and so sad...

hugs
Mr.T

[reallyME]

Mr T.  even for the ones I have confronted about the problem, they felt they would surely know better than any doctor what was wrong with them, or they told me that they already had been tested and nothing showed up.  Maybe so, but then they are really good actors, because to anyone who ever got close enough to them, they saw what was really going on.  The only thing is, most people will not dare to address it or question it.  Though I will not mention names, I WILL speak out always, especially on behalf of the victims.

~RM

[mrt]

Hi Mud,

The N's don't contact you because they are waiting for you to make your kow tow to ask to be let back into their weird world. mud

You are exactly right.  I kow towed  for 20 years - it's their turn now.....They won't do it. Neither will I ....that's how the years are rollin' on by.

If they aren't contacting you for those reasons, maybe it doesn't hurt quite as much?

You are right there also!! Thanks for the refreshed perspective!

I enjoyed your input.

MrT