A self-reassurance

[reallyME]

in light of what that WOW person wrote about me, I've just come to remind myself of an important truth that even those people involved used to go around telling others about me.

"LAURA DOES NOT LIE"

Because people knew that that was the one thing I WOULD NOT do, eventually, they'd come to me, asking questions about my relationship with people we were both once connected with, in order to find out information about those people.  The N, as long as you can give him/her info they want, especially if it will prove their "innocence," they will stay in contact with you.  As soon as they see that you have nothing FOR them, they abandon you again and the drama ceases.

One of the other tactics that was used with me by an N, was that when I was with N, I was "milked" for information about how another person (person A) behaved, believed, expressed themselves...even down to non-verbal body language, tone of voice, etc.  Because I'm good at impersonation, due to my dad being a professional comedian/impersonator, the N used the info I gave her about the person A, in order to learn enough about that person, so that when N ditched me, hooked up with person A, N already knew how NOT to behave....totally different than how she behaved with me...that way, when N eventually ditched person A, to replace them with the next person B,  if person A and I ended up talking, our stories about our time with N would NEVER LINE UP, therefore making one of us look like LIARS about N...usually ME, since person B was the one that N behaved more "normally" toward. 

In such cases, when you try to tell people about the things N did to you, because person A's story will be much different from you, regarding their time spent with N, NOBODY IS LIKELY TO BELIEVE YOU RIGHT OFF THE BATT!  You will hear, "I can't BELIEVE N is like that.  She wasn't like that with person A...one of you must be LYING!"

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF SECRETS, DISBELIEF, DISILLUSION, PUNISHMENT, BETRAYAL and ultimately FEAR (when you realize that YOU were the only one who experience that SIDE of N and nobody will EVER believe that they could be THAT BAD, and yet, you were THERE, you lived it, and there is NO ARGUMENT FOR YOU WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE!

~RM

[Gaining Strength]

I'm glad you have the strength and courage to know yourself in the face of attack.

"LAURA DOES NOT LIE."

I admire the strength of your self knowledge.  Good for you - GS

[Dazed1]

Hi reallyMe,

Just want to say that I hope you have not suffered too much (if at all) due to that WOW person.  That post was totally bizzare and I suppose a cry for help from Wow. 

I'm trying hard not to make a nasty comment or be judgmental about Wow.

May the Higher Power grant Wow clarity of mind and peace of heart.

Come to think of it, perhaps Wow's post was a gift or a test:  Since I have had the priviledge of communicating with all the wonderful and wise people at this forum and am learning about Nism, I now feel more pity for Wow than I do anger.  I suppose that's progress.

Anyway, hope you haven't been hurt by the incident.

Dazed

PS:  thanks for clarifying on the other post that conarcissism, codependence and inverted narcissism are the same things. 

[reallyME]

Dazed,

No I'm not hurt.  In fact, tonight I actually started recalling some of the positive traits in the person who hurt me.   It felt good to not only see her as all BLACK, cause when she was in the "valuing" stage with me, she bought me things, paid for a hotel room for me, took me out to eat, prayed for and with me, tried to trust me at certain points, tried to forgive me at certain times too.

The really hard thing is, I genuinely love her and yet, I'm not sure WHY...the things I went through were just cruel and awful, N'istic controlling things...yet I know that if she were here right now, I could put my arms around her and tell her I love her and pray for her and only want the best for her.  Oh well, it's a bad case of the "if Only's"

[pennyplant]

The really hard thing is, I genuinely love her and yet, I'm not sure WHY...the things I went through were just cruel and awful, N'istic controlling things...yet I know that if she were here right now, I could put my arms around her and tell her I love her and pray for her and only want the best for her.  Oh well, it's a bad case of the "if Only's"

Laura, everyone I have ever loved, I loved them pretty much right away and I still love them somewhere in there.  Whether or not the person is good for me, whether or not I know for sure they love me.  The pining away part of it, that is what I'm now learning to control, or should I say not let control me.  It has been easier not to pine away when the break was not sudden or when it came during a strong period of my life.  I think it is still okay to feel about her the way you do as long as there is balance in your life and caring for yourself at every opportunity.  It can be a struggle, but a struggle you can learn to handle.

PP

[reallyME]

Oh I know it's ok to still care about her, but it's also ok to remember what REALITY is.  She would pop back into my life and talk to me online but then, if she suspected that I might be seeing or talking to someone about a flaw in her, she'd ditch me over and over again.  That's how it's been all along and that's what happened again recently.  When someone truly begins pointing out the cracks, she leaves rather than saying "hey, you might have a point there.  Got any suggestions on what I need to do?"  The reason she doesnt, is because she knows my answer is that she needs counseling from a professional who is trained to do cognitive therapy on people..and that would just be way too much of a blight on her image.  It's sad, because she really does have potential, but rather than get the help needed, she uses her image to keep her going in people's eyes.  I never was impressed deep inside with all the material things she owned or how she got people to do what she wanted.  What did impress me was the thought that I had finally found a true friend.

~RM

[pennyplant]

What did impress me was the thought that I had finally found a true friend.

~RM

She is the one who found a true friend in you.  It is really sad that she didn't see it that way and reciprocate.  She didn't have it in her.  I believe individuals can only go so far in this life.  She is so far behind what "could be".  It will take her a long, long time to be able to see, if she ever is able to see.  Let alone do the work that is required to be a true friend.  It seems to me that if it is even possible for her to grow into a true friend, she would still run out of time since she hasn't gotten very far up to now.

There is a saying about how few true friends a person can find in one life.  I have found that saying to be realistic for me.  Maybe it is realistic for most people.  No way to know the answer to that question.  People aren't always very honest about their friendships.  Or very realistic either.  I have to include myself in that catagory.  Perhaps I have more friends than I realize but I discount some people because I have too high a standard.

Just some of my thoughts on this because it is a subject that has been close to my heart all my life.

PP

[pennyplant]

Moon, I hope I can learn to look at it the way you do.  My life will be much better if I can let my compassion for everyone, including myself, grow more.

PP