Thank you all so much!!((()))
I really needed to reach out and I KNEW you all would be there. Reaching out is also a big deal for me because I used to not ask for help, but now I do.
Thank you soooo much.
Hops:
Thank you so much for ALL the suggestions. You made me realize that I do have options. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve blown it and there’s no hope for me, but I see there’s places where I can reach out for more.
“You did not know what you did not know.
You did the best you knew how to do at the time.”
You’re right, Hops: Intellectually, I know I should not beat myself up for NOT knowing what I DIDN’T know, but I still feel stupid for being so blind. I gotta work on that. Guess this beating up of myself is due in part to my perfectionism (jeez, I thought I was over that).
I am not perfect. I did not know I was blind. Amazing Grace.
“toxic residue one feels after the wakeup”: Yup, that’s what it is. Yuch, get it off me!
Hops, again, you’re right: I’m going to start therapy again, gotta find a good therapist.
I had a blow out with my former therapist. I cancelled a few too many sessions because of my job obligations and my therapist got pissed at me and started scolding me and a red flag went up and I told the therapist “You sound just like my MOTHER!!!!”. This is probably one of the WORST things one could say to a therapist, especially if one’s mother is an N!!!
Problem with this T was that I told her about “voicelessness” and codependency, but she never explored these with me and she refused to say whether or not my parents were Ns.
So, for all these reasons, I stopped therapy. The therapist asked me to come back, but I come from a FOO of “cut offs”, so it’s hard to go back.
And yet, that therapist DID help me very much. That therapist told me in my 1st or 2nd session that my problem was that I enmeshed with my mother and that my FOO was full of triangles.
Anyway Hops, thank you for showing me that I can heal and I do have options.
Moonlight:
Yes, Yes, being a caterpillar and wriggling out of the chrysalis is a weird feeling. I want to be a butterfly NOW!! Perhaps I’m learning the lesson of patience. I know this healing can’t be rushed and I can’t skip any steps.
Yes, I have become way more gentle with myself. And, as I type this, I feel like I want to let myself off the hook. OK, so I was asleep and now, I’m awake and that’s OK.
Thank you, Moonlight.
Tjr100:
“How many people are living incredibly dysfunctional lives without even knowing it, or having any clue why things are the way they are for them?” Tjr, you’re right: I am grateful and thankful that I no longer live in a haze of denial.
“Are you hyper critical of yourself because of the same narcissistic upbringing you are now coming to understand?” Tjr, you got my number! Perfectionism rearing its perfect head.
Yes, my disgust is a feeling, it will pass. Wow, tjr, I gotta learn to view my feelings the way you do. Good luck with your Dad. And, thank you, Tjr.
Again, thank you all. I know each of you is right. I just gotta absorb it all.
With love,
dazed