Help! I feel like a Fool

[Dazed1]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for being so supportive in my journey.  I think you all have been as good, if not better than my therapist.  PHds for all of you!

I'm reaching out again to this wonderful, warm and understanding community:

I feel like a fool.  I feel so stupid and blind for not seeing the Ns in my life.  I feel so dumb for having sleep walked through my life, for wanting a full life, but never being able to achieve it and for not knowing why.

I now know why:  One of the main reasons was being raised by dysfunctional Ns, which left me disabled when it came to forming healthy relationships.

I'm disgusted with myself.

I believe that some/many of you were at this stage where I am now.  Please tell me how you got through it and moved on.

Lotta of love,
dazed

[Hopalong]

Aww, hon. Dazed, being disgusted with yourself is exactly the toxic residue one feels after the wakeup. But after a while, you see that it isn't fair. It truly isn't fair to blame yourself for not knowing what you did not know.

You did not know what you did not know.

You did the best you knew how to do at the time.

And now you'll heal.

This is what I assembled over time to help myself heal (and it took a few years but it worked):

therapy
women's support group (there's one called Women in Change, where any big awakening or transition is all that was required to join, and surely every woman at any stage is likely to be in one)
exercise
eating well
reading so many self-help and relationship and spiritual journey books I didn't need a nightstand for the stack
friendships (these came from choosing a couple small-group church activities and sticking with them)
writing (You could try The Artist's Way. I think that's a very healing book for anyone.)
time in nature
animals
volunteering
inentionally seeking laughter
reading about thinking about meditating about compassion for SELF until I got it
VESMB

What else do you think of when you imagine your own list? Please share.

love
Hops

[moonlight52]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((DAZED)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I WAS IN "TRANCE" for so long.......

Love and respect is all to be found within you ......

It is an odd sort of feeling like a Caterpillar wriggling out of cocoon

Well we then get to fly ......

love to you

m

[SilverLining]

You might think of it as a necessary step in the process Dazed.  As you suggested in another thread, enlightenment may not (immediately) feel all warm and fuzzy.  I believe there are many many people who go through their entire life without coming to any understanding of their own personal situation.  How many people are living incredibly dysfunctional lives without even knowing it, or having any clue why things are the way they are for them?  In this culture, a lot of dysfunctional behavior passes for normal, even desirable.   You are waking up from this trance. 

Another possibility is to see the disgust as itself part of the problem.  Are you hyper critical of yourself because of the same narcissistic upbringing you are now coming to understand?

It's hard to explain but it seems necessary to learn to back away from your "self".  Disgust is just a feeling, and if you don't attach to it, it will pass. 

This is what I am currently working on.  Next week I go to visit the FOO for Christmas.  Every so often there is a trigger for a familiar feeling of disgust.  Last week I get a letter from my father with a written monologue describing one of his latest preoccupations.  Disgust wells up, as I remember 1000 other encounters with his self absorption.  I wonder why I was dumb enough to agree to visit them...I get more disgusted with myself.....

Then I catch myself, take a few deep breaths, remember why I made the decision to visit them (to see other members of the FOO e.t.c.)  By not attaching to the disgust, it fades, and I can deal with the situation in a more personally positive manner.  My father may be N-ish and borderline autistic, but my reactions are under my control. 

I hope this is of some use.   

[moonlight52]

Dear tjr and Dazed ,

So much to learn...yep.... I have awakened from trance ....................
yes the main problem I have is being so very critical of self at times and learning to understand the why and how I became so very critical of self
has made such a difference ......................

Just learning to be gentle with self in turn radiates gentleness for others just with a stronger beam.....

   You are waking up from this trance. 

 Are you hyper critical of yourself because of the same narcissistic upbringing you are now coming to understand?

  I hope this is of some use.  

Yes and thank you
moon

[Dazed1]

Thank you all so much!!((()))

I really needed to reach out and I KNEW you all would be there.  Reaching out is also a big deal for me because I used to not ask for help, but now I do.

Thank you soooo much.

Hops:
Thank you so much for ALL the suggestions.  You made me realize that I do have options.  Sometimes, I feel like I’ve blown it and there’s no hope for me, but I see there’s places where I can reach out for more.

“You did not know what you did not know.
You did the best you knew how to do at the time.”

You’re right, Hops:  Intellectually, I know I should not beat myself up for NOT knowing what I DIDN’T know, but I still feel stupid for being so blind.  I gotta work on that.  Guess this beating up of myself is due in part to my perfectionism (jeez, I thought I was over that).

I am not perfect.  I did not know I was blind.  Amazing Grace.

“toxic residue one feels after the wakeup”:  Yup, that’s what it is.  Yuch, get it off me!

Hops, again, you’re right:  I’m going to start therapy again, gotta find a good therapist. 

I had a blow out with my former therapist.  I cancelled a few too many sessions because of my job obligations and my therapist got pissed at me and started scolding me and a red flag went up and I told the therapist “You sound just like my MOTHER!!!!”.  This is probably one of the WORST things one could say to a therapist, especially if one’s mother is an N!!! 

Problem with this T was that I told her about “voicelessness” and codependency, but she never explored these with me and she refused to say whether or not my parents were Ns.

So, for all these reasons, I stopped therapy. The therapist asked me to come back, but I come from a FOO of “cut offs”, so it’s hard to go back.

And yet, that therapist DID help me very much.  That therapist told me in my 1st or 2nd session that my problem was that I enmeshed with my mother and that my FOO was full of triangles.

Anyway Hops, thank you for showing me that I can heal and I do have options.


Moonlight:
Yes, Yes, being a caterpillar and wriggling out of the chrysalis is a weird feeling.  I want to be a butterfly NOW!!  Perhaps I’m learning the lesson of patience.  I know this healing can’t be rushed and I can’t skip any steps. 

Yes, I have become way more gentle with myself.   And, as I type this, I feel like I want to let myself off the hook.  OK, so I was asleep and now, I’m awake and that’s OK.

Thank you, Moonlight.


Tjr100:
“How many people are living incredibly dysfunctional lives without even knowing it, or having any clue why things are the way they are for them?”  Tjr, you’re right:  I am grateful and thankful that I no longer live in a haze of denial.

“Are you hyper critical of yourself because of the same narcissistic upbringing you are now coming to understand?”  Tjr, you got my number!  Perfectionism rearing its perfect head.

Yes, my disgust is a feeling, it will pass.  Wow, tjr, I gotta learn to view my feelings the way you do.  Good luck with your Dad.  And, thank you, Tjr.

Again, thank you all.  I know each of you is right.  I just gotta absorb it all.

With love,
dazed

[invisible]

O dear dazed!

If you are going to beat yourself up then at least protect yourself with a whole lot of padding first! This is just part of the journey for us all! It is just part of the process. That is all. No biggie. Quit blaming yourself. Let that shame go. It doesn't belong to you!

For me one of the biggest challenges is this: when you see that you are worth MORE than you have been told (and actions say more than words, as we all know) and when you realise that what was done to you was WRONG, then automatically you will push against all those who would try to belittle you and diminish you and keep you DOWN. But I see this as being potentially dangerous. I see that it can become like a pendulum in a big old grandfather's clock. It goes all the way to the left and then swings all the way to the right. Well, that is fine for the CLOCK but it is NOT fine for ME. I don't want to be swinging back and forth from one extreme to another. So, the challenge is BALANCE.

Here is another example which should not trigger anyone (I hope): As a woman I have experienced unfair treatment based on nothing else but my GENDER. Most other women have walked this road too. So, as a woman do I then lash out at all men and deem them all oxygen-thieves? Do I then see myself as superior to them? Because, the truth is that women can do a whole lot more than men in many areas. But no, I have to take a step back and say:

1. I don't want to lose my femininity just because THEY treated me badly.
2. I have A, B, and C, as my strengths and X, Y, and Z, as my weaknesses.
3. My fellow man (male and female) may have A, B, and C, as a weakness. Thus, I can help them in those areas.
4. My fellow man (male and female) may have X, Y, and Z, as their strengths. Thus, they can help me in those areas.
5. I want to flourish in my strengths and I want to see YOU (my fellow men and women) flourish in YOUR strengths.
6. If we are all flourishing in our strengths then we won't have weaknesses because we will all balance each other out as we complement those whose lives we touch.
7. Therefore, I need you and you need me and together we can all make it!

I think that is what balance is about. And the way I see it, if we are all in balance like that there is NO competition. Everything flows in harmony and we can each grow together.

Another danger I see for myself is walls. I remember as a child making vows to myself that NO ONE will EVER hurt me again like this! And when I did that I commited emotional suicide. Now, as an adult who has experienced God's healing love, I have learned that walls keep EVERYONE out. They don't just keep the bad guys out. And so I have learned about boundaries. A boundary is safe because it keeps my personal space sacred while those who are friends are still able to touch my life, as I can still touch theirs.

So, dear dazed, take a step back and know that if you keep balanced and walk through this process you can make it. And you have friends here on this board who are walking that journey too!

That is just the way I see it!

God bless you all!

[Dazed1]

Dear invisible,

Wow!!!  Shivers ran through me and I sighed and smiled as I read your post.  Wow.  Thank you so much.

Balance.  Yes, you are SOOO right.  Not everyone can be good at everything.  Give and take.  We’re not pendulums.  I do want to feel grounded and balanced.

“Therefore, I need you and you need me and together we can all make it!”  “Everything flows in harmony and we can each grow together.”   Yes, this is what I want for my life, to feel whole (not hole) and balanced.

“I have learned that walls keep EVERYONE out.”   Yes, this is how I’ve lived for many years, afraid and lonely behind the wall.

“And so I have learned about boundaries. A boundary is safe because it keeps my personal space sacred while those who are friends are still able to touch my life, as I can still touch theirs.” 

Yes, I am learning about boundaries too and I love them.  Boundaries make me feel safe but not sequestered.  A boundary can let me live and interact among people without feeling like I have to hide myself.

Thank you so much invisible and Bless you.

Dazed

[Hopalong]

Hi Dazed,

Also no beating yourself up for beating yourself up....

Okay?

Hops

[freeme2live]

I've enjoyed these posts also about boundaries. Also the comment invisible made about "if your gonna beat yourself up be sure to surround yourself with a lot of padding." Very cute and made me laugh so thank you for that. 

Boundaries and healthy relationships and balance is all part of learning who we are in view of others around us in our own world. I for one have learned from friends who have come and gone, some leaving in bad way (I had to cut off because of being verbally abusive) and some who just faded away due to life changes, and then some through misunderstandings, and mistakes made causing the relationship to end abruptly with no chance of restoration, and then there are those who have come in and brought much to the friendship allowing room for the other to grow, and be themselves without the fear of losing the status of "friend" because you know where you stand no matter what. Then there are friends who you just dont speak to for ages and a phone call here and there will seem like you just spoke with them just yesterday as the relationship never has really changed on either end. All in all boundaries are much needed. I've come to understand this cliche, "good fences make good neighbors" meaning good healthy boundaries make for better relationships along the way. As rough a road as it may be much can be learned from all relationships.

Free