This is good, Axa, very good:
I am devouring the literature on NPD to keep myself in touch with the reality of the situation.
Your anger makes so much sense. The hitch is: sharing it with him is supply.
But you are moving through the transition. I remember an amazing fury when an old N with whom I was flat-out obsessed rejected me. It was quite Nish of me, in hindsight. Still, I understand the rage.
The good thing is angry women are not victims.
I think you'd help yourself most if you enforce the no contact rule. It is addictive, that kind of relationship, and you are like someone who has quit smoking.
KEEP GOING. And can you find a ftf outlet to talk to, to vent with regularly, so you don't feel that kind of unconscious swamped-like yearning, that lures you to lean in toward him for some of that ooooold "intimacy"?
Remember, even though you probably know him better than anyone, that isn't intimacy. Healthy intimacy is based in reciprocity, respect, mature sharing, honesty, etc.
He flunked. You may not be giving yourself an A, either. But that's okay.
Forgive yourself as fast as you can. Eventually, you'll forgive him too. (But you don't need to report how you're feeling to him. You don't need to tell him anything.)
You know? Dramatic death wishes are understandable. You're that scared of backsliding.
You WON'T. You've smelled freedom, Axa.
Keep being involved in YOUR new life. Get as interested in what you're doing as possible. If that's hard, then pile on the distractions for a while. Anything to keep from obsessing.
It takes the time it takes. And nobody, nobody, nobody, does it perfectly. Demolition is rough work.
Hops
