I hope it's okay to add another unlikely N to this thread. I was thinking of starting a thread about my newest one but it kind of goes with what GS discovered in her prayer group.
I had been taking yoga off and on for the past year and last week I realized that the instructor, if not an N, definitely has some tendencies. It had been a few weeks since I'd been in class. During that time I have experienced some "growth" or something because of things happening at work. So, it seems like I was approaching yoga with a fresh eye. I was a new me that night.
And I'm sitting there watching her be the star. Watching her buzz. Soaking up the worshipfulness of the other students. She tends not to know what to do with me. And I have had mixed feelings ever since starting the class. But with this fresh eye, it seemed pretty obvious.
I remember the very first class when she said, for the beginners, that it is not a competition, go at your pace, hold each pose for from three to five breaths, etc. Then we start and I'm not even keeping up. It was one pose after another, sometimes I hadn't taken even one breath and we're on to the next pose. But I was new. I figured it was me.
Last week, I watched her play the room. She said at one point how good it was that everyone in this class was experienced. It would be more fun for her. We'd barely finish one pose and she's on to the next. None of them really flowed. It was very disjointed. She was looking for opportunities to show us what her favorite poses were. She'd demonstrate increasingly more difficult ones and not even give anyone a chance to try it, if they even wanted to. Well, it seemed like I was the only one who wasn't with the program. It was just plain weird to me.
It was like a high pressure contest to me. She was a terrible show off I thought. She started using the hindu words for the poses rather than the English. So, I'm having increasing difficulty keeping up. What a showoff, I thought.
So, by the end of class I decided I wouldn't be attending any more. I'd just paid her $56 for 8 sessions and this was the only one I'd be going to.
For once in my life, I didn't beat myself up about it. My old tapes would have said, "Only you could find a narcissistic yoga instructor!" "You always quit!" "You wasted $56!" "Now what can you do for a hobby, Miss Idawanna?"
No, I just congratulated myself for finally figuring out why I usually didn't look forward to attending class. Why I never made any friends there. What it was that was so off about the instructor.
Yes, they are everywhere. Maybe not all full-blown psychopaths. But enough Nishness to be a real turn off for people like us who have been through it already. I was just impressed with myself for seeing it!!!! It shows growth, I think. Enough detachment that I can look out for my needs now. It felt so strange to see something like this and still be able to think clearly and not get all white hot angry.
GS, I can definitely see why you would be triggered, though. I've been getting triggered all over the place myself lately. But not necessarily by Ns. Triggers are good, if you recognize them, because they can be instructive then.
I suppose it's nice that my yoga instructor can make something of a contribution to society in spite of her completely missing the point of the art she teaches full time. But the students don't realize that, I don't think. Most of them seem to have understood enough about the practice of yoga to change their lives for the better. They seem happy enough and that is a nice thing. But I will have to find my own way, as usual. I think I'm going to be okay with that.
GS, are you going to keep going to your prayer group? I hope it's the N who leaves. Otherwise, she will ruin it for the rest.
Pennyplant
