hi Jade,
Good for you saving your pencil. I think I could manage that with any of my belongings.
As far back as I can remember, I had no voice--I got that from voicelessness, obviously! There was always so much discord, raging, spankings, beatings in my very early years up to being 15-16 and seeing my father with the razor strap beating the next eldest sister. Her arms were covered with welts and she was going on a date that night with her steady.
So this was a long stretch of never talking back, or fighting back on my part. I lived "afraid" to do anything but what I was told, and if anything went wrong, I always felt I would be to blame.
There was a instance when I was 4, when we 3 older girls were told to get dressed. I was never told why/where or anything. I couldn't find a pair of underpants, and don't know whose I put on, but I wrapped and gathered in the waist of this large pair and pinned it with a huge safety pin. They stayed in place.
Destination? Hospital to have our tonsils and adenoids removed. I was 4 , as I said, and had to undress in front of a nurse and was SO EMBARRASSED about my underwear! my first experiencce with a bedpan and didn't know I ought to sit up, so I peed straight up into the air!
I just grew up to be a follower without a mind of my own, painfully shy, and embarrassed very easily.
When I was 8, in Grade 5, the only other girl was Shirley, age 12. She had breasts. I didn't!!!! I overheard the older girls asking my eldest sister why I didn't have breasts when Shirley did. I don't recall my sister's response. When I was 10, my next eldest sister peeked through a crack when I was changing. I had no pubic hair. She went to all the other sibs and told them to call me 'baldy'. When they did I knew it was something negative and I felt taunted, but didn't even know why.
I never went to my mother about anything, nor did she offer anything. I grew up ashamed of my body and wondering if I looked at all the same, naked, as any other girl would look.
It seems to me that all my problems were with the foo, and I was the only one without red hair.
Life can be a struggle, and somehow I cannot blame myself for withdrawing and finding a comfort zone of aloneness.
I expect that it is still 'fear' that keeps me this way.
I AM sorry. I rambled!!
Keep up your good work!!
Izzy