Therapy for abused adult-children

[reallyME]

In this book, the author, the doctor, tells about how he works with people from N homes to teach them how to loosen the constricted parts of their bodies...throats, back muscles, neck muscles, base of the skull..that they tighten in childhood and during trauma, to avoid feeling pain and fear.

He explains that this is NOT a cure, but very helpful and meaningful for the individuals.

(When I was counseling a lady, one of the things I had her do, was to place a chair in front of her, visualize the offending person in the chair, and GET ANGRY at him and yell at him and get out those feelings like she MEANS IT!  This really WORKED to help her loosen up a lot in her emotions.  She is still working on achieving a balance with the Lord's help, but she is getting there...and I never even knew this was part of what professional therapists do.  I only knew that it was not healthy for her to not allow herself to get angry or cry.)

Many people who will not allow themselves to cry, were either TOLD NOT TO by someone, or TELL THEMSELVES not to.  I have seen this over and over again...either they say "Oh, I'm not supposed to cry, " or they tell me "I'm sorry.  I don't MEAN to cry."  How unfortunate to see a person so bottled up inside that they are not free to express themselves emotionally.

Dr Lowen combines breathing techniques with verbalization to achieve the needed release in people.

[seasons]

I broke down and sobbed over them the other night. I always wonder what would happen if I lost it while they were in my presence.
I believe they would be shocked by  the fury that has built up in me over a life time. I can see it how it would be very theraputic to let it all out, rage, tears etc.
Just imaging that feels gook... it must feel like getting rid of a ton of bricks you didn't realize you were carrying.

seasons

[axa]

"Not living in fear" this really hit a note for me.  I feel like a four year old when the fear hits.  I know it is an old feeling and has nothing to do with now.  I wonder if the fear is like an old (bad) friend that I do not want to shake off.  When I think of never seeing XN again I feel some fear.......... the adult in me wants him out and gone forever but there is something in me tugging, like I want one last round with him.  I have said everything I need to say to him, he did not hear and never will but this child's voice wants to say it all again.  As if I would get some release from that.  That is the drug and addiction to me. 

Like any addiction it is hard to kick and I am not so good at the withdrawal.  I guess I need to do something practical to remind myself of the negativity I was living in.  Scared the rose tinted glasses are around the corner somewhere.  Need to find them and smash them

axa

[seasons]

axa:

like I want one last round with him

Axa, wow that really hit deep. I didn't realize part of my part of divorcing my N's is that I do want, I deserve one last round with vengeance. I can do it, you will hear me this time, I will make you hear me, damn you do you hear ME?I learn so much everyday, I can't believe how many layers there are, I feel like an onion. Thank you for posting your thoughts, I believe "one last round" maybe a huge road block of letting completely go for me and I didn't even realize it.

(((((((((((((axa))))))))))))


Moonlight,

I wish I could honestly reach that mountain you have climbed. I reach and I fail. Yet again I have hope I believe axa suppressed a need I have deep down. I know their can never be a last round, never win, never be heard. I need to find that and let that dream go.

Moonlight:
I also have suppressed so much pain not only from abuse but the aftermath of the abuse.

And the cycle has been broken My children have not suffered this.

There is a time to let it go so one can live their own life.

And where blaming stops and the time for giving up the need to fix things.

I am at a place where I think I am aware now of what being alive means and it maybe just living here and now in kindness and being honest to self....

and the chance I do believe to understand more awareness as the toxins of my life are leaving me.

and let the others live in the way they need to...................we can only change ourselves ...

I am looking forward to new steps in gentleness and not living in the fear.........

Moonlight,
How long did it take you to get where you are? Did you ever get stuck, I mean I really feel I know so much, I am clear on what I need to do, no contact is my only answer to move forward. Yet I'm stuck in the web.
I really believe letting go of my fantasy of one last round is a huge awakening for me.

Moonlight, you are a beacon of hope. I am thankful for you, your truths, your place in the world is beauty. ((seasons))

[Hopalong]

Axa, you're doing great, you're fighting it! (Do read Don't Call That Man...applies to email too.)

Seasons, this hit me:

can never be a last round, never win, never be heard

...

I think this is true, and this is the final stage of healing. When we accept we will never be heard by the N. When we stop confusing the first part of the sentence with the last. When we break it into two realities. I'll never be heard by this N. That is true. That is a hopeless goal. That is reality. That is the complete truth of the universe just vibrating in front of me, waiting for me to reach out and lift it into my palm, where it will give me energy for a new life.

However, there's another part that needs to be healed on its own, because IT IS NOT TRUE.
"I'll never be heard" is not true at all. That's just not reality. This is a big world and life is not all programmed and there are new people, new voices, new friendships, new relationships, new community, new support, new adventures, new discoveries, new insights, new possibilities, new creativity, new learning, new pleasures.

So, to work on that, I think the old-fashioned affirmation (present tense, active, positive) would be a wonderful piece of work to do, several times a day. And post notes on the mirror, by the door, in the car. Here it is. I think it's a big one for Axa and Seasons (heck all of us, me too). Merry Christmas:

I am heard.

love
Hops

[axa]

Hops,

I am HEARD.  I am hearing this.  I am letting it in.  I will never be heard by XN.  My desire for contact  has fallen, thankfully.  In fact if I think of it I get panicked.  I have nothing to say to XN.  All that was there was a hollow echo, with my words rebounding.  Its over.  I have nothing to say to him.  I do NOT need another round.  I have had a lucky escape.

I am heard by my friends, I am heard here, and maybe most importantly I AM HEARING ME..........YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS




Axa

[seasons]

Hops,

You bring so many things to light. Thank you.... A very sweet Merry Christmas to you our dear friend.

Way to go axa!

Much joy sent to all. Thank you for hearing me, as I am blessed to HEAR ALL OF YOU. (seasons)

[moonlight52]

Seasons and all ,

Struggling with how to stop from letting yourself be hurt again simply means not living in fear

Right now in this moment and in the next moment...........................

I see now my freedom is and is not a question There is nothing to be afraid of..................nothing

The conflict is always within..................

Freedom is to be found in a persons own self respect

moonlight

[axa]

Moonlight,

What a wonderful post. "Freedom is to be found in a person's own self respect"..........this is amazing.   When I care enough about myself I do not punish or allow another to punish me.

I am moving from a place of being a victim to owning my own space on this earth.  I do not want to be a victim again.  I am beginning to know I am worth more, slowly, slowly.  I am looking into myself to name and own my part of the madness, my collusion in the games.  I am BORED with the crazy making that was my life.  I believe my salvation will come through me and my ownership of my hurts.  In some ways being with XN facilitated my anger and my reliving my pain.  I do not want to live in this way.  I want a whole life in as much as is possible and I see now that this is my responsibliity.

THank you


Axa

[moonlight52]

When I posted on this thread I thought it was about adult children that had been abused as children

I am a little confused about the thread  I was physically abused as a child and have been badly used as an adult by the same person.

So I guess this qualifies..................................................................................

Although I have said nothing is all black or white their were times where our light crossed yes a few times.

What I can not live with is now the controlling person in my life expects me to not stand in truth.

I just will not be used anymore or controlled anymore.

[pennyplant]

Many people who will not allow themselves to cry, were either TOLD NOT TO by someone, or TELL THEMSELVES not to.  I have seen this over and over again...either they say "Oh, I'm not supposed to cry, " or they tell me "I'm sorry.  I don't MEAN to cry."  How unfortunate to see a person so bottled up inside that they are not free to express themselves emotionally.

I am someone who was always told not to cry.  So I bottled it up.  Then it would come out at the wrong times or so forcefully that I became foolish and out of control.  Even when my father died two years ago, I ended up keeping a lot of it to myself.  I knew this was unhealthy.

Lately, I try to look for times when I can just let it out.  I can almost plan for it sometimes.  And when I know I will have my chance to let it out, I think of times from the past that I didn't get to mourn or have my feelings, and I think about those things and connect them to what is causing me pain now.  For example:  this past Friday I took on a new responsibility at my job.  I'm now working in a different office, with added responsibilities and new things I have to learn.  That first day was horrendous.  Noisy, confusing, crowded, just terrible.  It didn't go smoothly at all.  I consciously bottled it up all day because I didn't want to say things to people, out of frustration, that I might regret later on.  But when the day was done, I got myself to the car and let my imagination go.  I connected all the bad things that happened that day, all the frustrations, with my hurts from the past.  I cried all the way home, all the way to the mail box, all the way in the house, up the stairs to change, down the stairs to my computer, I cried all over the house.  No one was home, I just let it all out.  Let myself feel bad about everything.  Then, after about half an hour or so, it just stopped.

The next day at my new assignment was also frustrating, not as bad, but still difficult.  But I let myself feel the way I felt.  All night after I got home I felt bad.  But I woke up ready to try again.  Tuesday, frustrations again especially towards the end of the day.  Came home and was kind of shell-shocked as my husband put it.  Again, let myself have these feelings.  Woke up this morning ready to try again.  And today went pretty good.

We who were restricted and constricted and suffocated in our childhoods have to teach ourselves how to allow feelings, all of them.  Even the sad or bad ones.  We have to allow ourselves our anger.  We can do it safely, with dignity, in privacy if we want.  But we have to do it.  It is the way to becoming our true, strong selves.

Pennyplant

[reallyME]

Penny:

We who were restricted and constricted and suffocated in our childhoods have to teach ourselves how to allow feelings, all of them.  Even the sad or bad ones.  We have to allow ourselves our anger.  We can do it safely, with dignity, in privacy if we want.  But we have to do it.  It is the way to becoming our true, strong selves.

Ya hear that, Jodi?  It was ok to cry when your friends died.  Tears are ok and do not make someone weak or a whiner.

For someone with NPD, the way the docs try to help them, is to get them to cry and let out their feelings by saying "WHY" or "NO" since the child years ago didn't get to question or protest.  This has proven to be very healing to N's in the field of biomedics.

The main problem with N'ism is the denial of feelings.  If an N will dare to feel again, there is still HOPE.

RM

[Hopalong]

PP:

Thank you.

Hops

[axa]

Pennyplant


Thank you for sharing this post.  It sound so healthy to connect with your feelings and release them.  To be yourself to feel how you feel.  VERY REAL>


axa