very bad night

[axa]

Last night I fell asleep in front of tv.  Was woken by telephone ringing, it struck terror in my heart.  Turned out is was a friend.  Went to bed and the nightmares began.  Dreaming about Xn AGAIN.  In my dreams I was looking for him, would see him at a distance.  Once I got close he would be gone again.  I feel so shakey right now.  Quite scared and unsure of everything.  I feel like I have lost my ground again.  I was so pleased that I was doing so well but now I find myself negotiating stuff in my head.

It is as if I feel all the loss I have ever experienced in my life.  Loss of not having loving parents, my daughter, the realationships I had hoped for that never materialised.  Just feel terribly alone right now and scared. 

Guess I am feeling the impact of the abuse.  the truth is sinking in I was never anything to XN other than supply and was caste aside once another source materialized.  It is so difficult to believe that I was nothing to him.  I gave away so much power, ended up alone and unemployed because I trusted someone who has no respect for anyone.

bad day today,


axa

[pennyplant]

You're doing good.  You are strong enough to face these things now.  Perhaps in the past you couldn't.  It was too hard.  So some of it got pushed down.  But it doesn't disappear when we push it down.  It stays there and acts on us in unrecognizable forms.  That is what is coming up now.  The real feelings.  And it is hard.  But you are doing well.  It will pass.  Then you will have built a little layer inside of you.  That new layer is YOU.  The real YOU.  It will give you something good to build the next new layer on.  Just keep going.

Love, Pennyplant

[axa]

Thank you for your responses.  I thought about what I could do to help myself and I have written a five page letter to XN WHICH I WILL NEVER SEND TO HIM.

[reallyME]

Dreams of X, yep...I can relate...it's been over a  year now and X is still in my dreams, being the "NICE" side of herself with me...riding in her vehicle, laughing, playing around, having fun...but then again I WAKE UP


hugs, axa...we understand and are here for you!

[axa]

hit post button in error.

I will never send it to him.  But I have documented the abuse.  I got in contact with reality by doing this.  I named the things I am unable to name to others.  I wrote it all and how I felt about it and the outcome is me gaining back some of my perspective.  I do not want to be a victim again.  I do not want to be abused.  I want to be free of Ns and their crazy dysfunctional lives.

Yes, I am seeing a therapist who sadly is on holiday at the moment.  I do think as well as the loss I am feeling all the abuse I have experienced in my life also.  Its like everything has been thrown into one big pot.  I know there is more than XN.  He reminded me so much of my parents. I would revert to a helpless child around him, unable to feel alive, pulled in all directions with no ground under my feet.

I feel such shame that I choose him, that I choose to stay so long in such a crazy relationship.  I am full of shame that I abandoned myself to such horror.  I had promised myself so many times that I would not abandon myself again and I have.  I gave away all of my power.  All I had worked so hard for, finding my truth, knowing my values, all went out the window.  I opened the window and helped him throw them out.  I am so ashamed of my part in this.

The cycle you describe CB is the same for me, over and over again I expose myself to the ridicule, humiliation and pain.  I want to break this cycle.  I have suffered enough and feel I cannot survive another bout of abuse and hatred.  To feel such hatred from another is mind numbing.  Where did I go?  Where was the real me who loved life, laughter and joy.  I became a burnt out shell of myself.  I colluded with him by staying.  I ignored so much.  I forgave so much.  I did not value myself.  I did not take care of myself.  I gave up on so much.  I sacrificied myself to be his supply.

Thank you for your belief, dont have too much of it here right now.  Your posts are holding me thank you.

axa

[Stormchild]

Hi axa

Don't hide from that shame... use it... it doesn't define you, but it can guide you away from what does not help you.

The worst mistake we can make is to refuse to look at our mistakes because it embarrasses us to admit them. If we let that stop us, we just stay stuck, and we'll make the same mistakes again, too.

Admitting the mistakes isn't easy... it's like walking through fire. It hurts, it can hurt terribly, but then you're through, on the other side, and everything looks different. You may feel sore for awhile and there may be tender places, but you can take care of them and you will heal.

Believe it... you will heal. The more you see, the more you understand, the more you heal. And eventually you will reach the point where you can safely feel a healthy pity, which is compassion, for people who hurt you, or try to hurt you, because of their own sickness and blindness... but you won't be pulled in to enabling them any more.

[spyralle]

Hey Axa,

Firstly, remember you are not alone.  There are many people here who understand your pain only too well.  The real you hasn't gone anywhere..  you are just the same only you are carrying all his baggage...  See this is how I see it..  When I got with my ex N I was popular and shiny and successfull..  he wanted that..  he was carrying lots and lots of suitcases full of crap and he began to hand them all to me.  Slowly and subtley he slipped them over to me until I was completely obliterated by his rubbish...  He started to shine then... he had no heavy weight to carry anymore I was holding it all for him.. So he left with all my money and my self respect..  Anything he could take he took and more besides..

Hold on to the you underneath all those suitcases because she will pull you through..  start to drop them because when you do that he will have to pick them up..  They are his not yours..

Stormy is right.  You will heal slowly but surely...  Maybe you will mess up like I just did, but things will still have changed.  A while ago I would have messed up and carried on just making it worse.  Now I can see it for what it is and I am trying to learn from it..

I have read a lot of your stuff Axa.  You have a beautiful soul.. believe in yourself and everyone here will be watching your back

Spyralle xxx

[Gaining Strength]

I feel such shame that I choose him, that I choose to stay so long in such a crazy relationship.  I am full of shame that I abandoned myself to such horror.  I had promised myself so many times that I would not abandon myself again and I have.  I gave away all of my power.  All I had worked so hard for, finding my truth, knowing my values, all went out the window.  I opened the window and helped him throw them out.  I am so ashamed of my part in this.

This paragraph about shame struck me the hardest because I have lived with shame, toxic shame, all my life until 6 months ago.  Shame is a terribly debilitating state that can destroy you.  It is a form of self-condemnation.  The only good thing about that is the "self" part.  You can learn to undo the "self" part and when you do the condemnation from others has no hold on you.  The first step to healing and freedom is to forgive yourself.  If you had had the tools to choose differently you would have.

The irony is that by forgiving yourself you will actually participate in the healing necessary to move forward and chose differently.  Until you forgive yourself you are internalizing the N's treatment and in essence keeping the N alive in you.  When you catch yourself feeling shame or thinking self-condemning thoughts "stop! I will no longer allow the N's to put me down and I will not participate with them in putting my down in my own mind.  I am throwing them out of my mind.  It is mine."  Find whatever message works for you and each and every  time you start to feel down kick the negative thoughts out and replace them with something positive and simply repeat the positive message over and over.

Remember, the shame is something that you can battle.  It is "their" voice that you have internalized and you can get rid of that message with practise.  It may take a while but don't give up.  And this place, Voicelessness, is a great help while you are making changes.  I will walk with you on this journey if you like.  I have been there and I have come out on the other side and I didn't believe it possible. your friend - Gaining Strength

[axa]

What light the people on this board shine in my darkness.

Gaining Strenght

The idea of keeping XN alive in me makes me want to vomit. Thank you for putting this so clearly.  To shut him out of my mind is a practical step I can take.  Today I had such a set back.  I was so full of anger but much of that has moved now thanks to a huge shouting session where I screamed at him and all the Ns who have stolen part of my life.

The comfort to read the words that you will walk with me is beyond anything I can say to you, only thank you for hearing my voice and my pain and my hurt.


Spyralle,

The metaphor about his baggage is so fantastic.  I do feel as if he has squirted his poison into me and I have been contaminated by it.   Maybe I need to visualise this and work at working it out of my system.  Yes I did take up his evil projections.  I was full of life when I met him, very grounded and happy and slowly but surely he wore me down. 

As time went on I put on so much weight, using food as an anaestethic, of course this disgusted him and then last year when things went so crazy I did the oppositie.  Could not eat, sleep, lost so much weight again but in an unhealthy way.  I could not eat, just lie in bed for days crying with the pain.  He was "pleased" with my weight loss and congratulated himself in his part of this torture.

XN socially is a disaster and I was like his trophy who could socialise well, impress his colleagues etc.  I know he was envious of me in many ways.  When I took on a project I just got on with it and the people involved.  The opposite to him.  Anywhere he goes he causes confrontation and trouble.  I need to hold onto the truth of this.  Thank you for your wonderful support and wisdom. 

Please do not let me forget.  I need to smash those rose tinted glasses with all my might.

xxxxxxxxxxxx to all

axa

[reallyME]

Yes I did take up his evil projections.  I was full of life when I met him, very grounded and happy and slowly but surely he wore me down.

 

Gosh I feel like I'm really being understood here now.  I, too, was a different person before two years ago.  I was very strong in my faith in God, sure of who He was and who I am in Him...till X.  When X entered the picture, I was quickly "trained" in how a "minister" is to behave or not behave.  I was told that certain things that I did, would NOT be tolerated if I was to join in the ministry with X and family.  I was stripped of who I was and, in the end...FOR WHAT??? what did I end up with?  who am I now?  I'm still working on picking up those pieces to find out, with the help of my spiritual Mom, who values me, esteems me, gently corrects me, and LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY.

I could not eat, just lie in bed for days crying with the pain.  He was "pleased" with my weight loss and congratulated himself in his part of this torture.

I don't know if X was pleased about feeding me junk foods and gourmet meals that I gained weight on or not, but I do remember sobbing my heart out for hours and hours, day after day, trying to convince myself that, YES it really DID happen to me, and YES I really was going to eventually stop hurting enough to want to live again...even without X.

XN socially is a disaster and I was like his trophy who could socialise well, impress his colleagues etc.  I know he was envious of me in many ways.  When I took on a project I just got on with it and the people involved.  The opposite to him.

Socially X is insecure and nervous, although she sure lets everyone believe that she is as popular as other big-name spiritual leaders on TV...I just never saw it in person...only an X who was very scared even to say HELLO, pleased to meet you, because what if she didn't like them after she met them...then they'd be wanting to be all close with her and stuff.  INstead, X relies on other people to actually handle her affairs up close and personal with her "fans"

As far as being envious, I know for a fact X was, of me.  I could sing, I play an instrument, I've led worship at churches, I"m well-liked by several people...most of all, I don't need to wear a mask to feel GOOD about who I am.  People who really love me, love me for ME, FLAWS AND ALL.  X wishes she could feel good about herself that way and not have to pretend to be someone big or use her money to "win" friends and influence people.

RM

[sea storm]

 (((((((Axa))))))))

Dreams can really feel like being blindsided.  Your dreams are the guideposts out.  It sounds like X is fading away and you are not sure that you can let go of the dream of the good side of him. It is pretty unlikely given that he is richly screwed up and a disorganized personality who only lives to feed his own demons that he had that good side.

What are you really letting go of?   If you went back to him you might as well order your plot at the local cemetery because next time would be WORSE. There is lots of evidence that the abuse escalates rather than diminishes.

Connecting this loss to all your past loses is very normal. Very difficult to experience but normal grieving. It has to be gone through to get to the other side. Realizing that there is a part of you that is lonely, frightened and very young is another guidepost. That is the part that gets taken by these predators. I am learning to know who that part is in me and to have a relationship with her and to swear to her that I won't put her through this again. I have been involved with 3 long term relationships. All were with charismatic, brilliant narcissists who dropped me when we really got close.  This has been the worst because the devaluing was so dramatic and involved police, employment, finaincial fraud, an affair etc.  I really must get this cause I sure don't want to do it again.

I have been following your posts and it amazes me that someone like you who is so kind and smart and sensitive could be manipulated the way you were. That you could be nearly destroyed by this man. Then I go OHHHHHHHHHH that sounds like me.  I can understand your pain and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I bet if we were in a room together with the people who come to this site to help each other we would be amazed at how together and vital they are. It was your vulnerability and need to be loved that got you in trouble and this started when you were very very young.So it is hard wired.  Love yourself as much as you can. Baby yourself.  Validate yourself.  You will get out of this storm. There are many angels on your side and helping you.

Love to you

Sea storm

[spyralle]

Axa hold onto that truth with all your might.  It was doing that that kept me from going insane...  I know that pain only to well..  I used to lie on the sofa in the foetal position feeling like somebody was scraping out my insides... 

I was the trophy for a while too, and then as he gained strength he banned me from going anywhere with him...  He had taken what he wanted...  Just consistently keep holding on to the truth..  I came here all the time.  I have pages and pages and pages of these guys putting me straight.  I also spent time with friends who would make me laugh just putting me straight and shattering my illusions...

Those rose tinted glasses are hard to break..  It's too easy to keep repairing them... keep on smashing them until it is impossible to put them back together

Love

Spyralle xxx

[reallyME]

I saw Elizabethtown...very interesting movie for sure!

[axa]

I think one of the things that is hitting me very hard at the moment is that I too had opportunities to protect myself and I did not.  I just laid myself bare.  I get it now that what I was doing was something like the more I gave the more he would see me.  I made stupid decisions and put my trust in him knowing that he was NOT trustworthy.  Financially I have ended up in a mess.  I gave up work to be with him.  And I knew he would just take and take.  When I would point out the unfairness of the situation he would shout "who said life was fair" as if I was soooo stupid and he was right!  The thought that I gave away so much of my power makes me want to throw up.

I need to accept this and move on.  struggling again

axa

[Stormchild]

Not stupid at all, axa. You presumed he was decent. Decent people reciprocate. It's kind of the bedrock of decency - if you help others in their need, they will genuinely try to help you in yours.

Non-decent people take advantage, and Ns are at the head of that list. And like all advantage-takers, they know what they're doing on some level, and they deliberately manipulate you to keep you giving to them. Promises, promises, promises, lies, lies, lies... until you've given so much that you feel as though you can't disinvest in them now, it's too late, they have most of you!

There's nothing stupid about expecting someone you love to treat you decently, which is what you did. There is something very ugly and mean, on the other hand, about deliberately manipulating, using, and taking advantage of someone who loves you, which is what he did.