I just wanted to share what I've learned about this strange personality disorder called NPD, from my personal experience with Borderline people and Narcissistic people and other dysfunctional people.
Initial Valuing, is like this: X: I think you are so wonderful. I can't believe others didn't appreciate you. How could they NOT SEE what a truly awesome person you are!" "You are a teriffic friend and oh, look at how talented you are...do you think you could teach me how to play that guitar someday? I always wanted to learn how!" "you are my best friend and we're gonna have a wonderful time together!" (someone once told me "if it seems too good to be true, it usually IS!)
Denial and Suppression of Feelings, usually denoted by a response from X such as "I'm fine." "Nothing's wrong" "What are you talking about? What could be wrong?" "I don't understand."
Projection, often seen in this form : "People just don't like you. Notice how everyone stays away from you?" (when, actually it's X they stay away from..and you are the one with all the friends) Generally, when projection is taking place, you just want to shout out "NO X! That's YOU that does that. That's YOU that happens to...not ME, YOU!"
"Psychic-type" ability, might sound something like this: "I know what you're going to say." "I knew that was going to happen." "I just know these things...I have my sources."
Devaluing of people you care or have concern about, generally sounds like this: "Oh, those people are just going to take up your time...send them on their way." "Can you believe how they act? you'd think they never saw FOOD before!" (said of homeless people waiting in a line for their meal) "No wonder you had issues...look who you hung out with!"
Devaluing of you (after the HONEYMOON IS OVER), generally sounds like this: "Hasn't anyone ever TAUGHT you this? What's wrong with you?" "You remind me of ___________ (someone you know they can't stand)" "You are so UNGRATEFUL! You don't deserve ANYTHING from me!" (when you just got done tripping over yourself saying "thank you so much!" "I didn't realize how ________ you were. I'm glad I found out before too long."
Guilting sometimes goes this way: "After all we've done for you, this is what we get?" (generally said because they gave you material things but treated you like something you wipe off a shoe, and you finally dare to speak up to them) "I can't believe you would speak against me...I guess I just didn't WANT to believe that you would do that." "of all the people I know, YOU were the one I thought I could really TRUST! usually followed with an "but I'm ok, I understand why you did what you did." (and you are knowing X is NOT really ok with it and there will be he** to pay later)
Image, is kept up by statements such as these: "Now you want to make Mommy proud don't you? So sit up like a GOOD little girl, and keep your hands in your lap and don't speak unless spoken to...children should be seen and not heard!" "We are not like the other families, just remember that! You need to always look your best and be on your best behavior because YOU ARE A "JOHNSON" (or whatever other prestigious family name you want to put here). "I don't care if your tummy hurts...just smile and be polite...that's all that matters right now...never let em see ya sweat!" "You have to look like you always got it all together...after all, who is gonna want to listen to someone who seems worse off than they are?"
Gaslighting, is done to confuse and frustrate the other person into believing they didn't see what they really did, and eventually it is used to make them feel that they are CRAZY!
The way to accomplish this is, the X moves something around in the house, like a lamp or keys or anything, then, when the victim says "I know I just put the lamp over on that table, I know my keys were right here a moment ago..the X will say "Dear, I think you'd better lay down...your keys have been hanging on this hook for weeks...you ALWAYS hang them here...don't you REMEMBER? Goodness, I think we need to contact the doctor again. And the lamp? We never had a lamp like you describe. I'm so sorry, honey. I think you just better lay down while we figure out what to do about this loss of memory you have been having lately." The victim will protest, insisting that she really did see what she saw, and the X will continue to say "there there, dear. I think you are just not well. Please go and rest a while." (seeing this happen to someone is enough to make you want to seriously give up your moral values and HURT the X!)
Bait N Switch is one where the "rules" are changed in the middle of the situation. A child is told to never handle hot liquids. Then the mother tells the child, "I want you to bring me that cup of coffee right now!" Child looks at mother shaking head no, trying to remind her that he's been told NEVER to handle hot things. X again says "Bring me that COFFEE, NOW PLEASE!" Hesitantly, Child brings coffee. X: "What's the matter with you? Why are you bringing me this coffee? I told you to NEVER handle hot liquids on your own!" (smack) "Now GO TO YOUR ROOM!" The child knew that the original "rule" was to OBEY ORDERS, but when the order was obeyed, the rule enforced was the original one.
Double-Bind is one in which the victim is asked to do something but the X prevents victim from being able to do it...it is like this:
X: "You need to get your homework done or you will FAIL!" Student goes to work on homework. X parent calls student every half hour for the rest of the day, to do dishes, take out trash, watch a television show with X...later, after dinner X says: "Is your homework done?" Student: "no ma'am. I didn't have TIME to do it." X: "you know the punishment for not doing your homework is staying in on the weekends, right?" Student: "yes ma'am but you made me do the dishes, etc...." X: "I will not hear any excuses! Get in there and GO TO BED!"
Isolation and "silent treatment" involves the X, who once was hugging you, smiling at you, talking to you, suddenly ignoring you, hugging others in front of you PURPOSELY and watching your reaction, pretending you are not in the room, talking "around" you to others, as though you do not exist, doing things you used to do together, without you and with their new supply source (s). Often X will banish you from their presence as though they were a king or queen and you, their disloyal subjects that deserve the dungeon!
Usually they will point and say "Get out of here! Get out of my face! Leave my presence!" something dramatic like that.
Martyr/Hero roles...they are drama queens and kings so they enjoy playing the poor persecuted martyr or the dashing heroic star! Here is what this sounds like many times:
"I never thought you'd turn on me like this. I can't believe you went and told them that I beat you. You know how hard I work and that I've been going to my support groups regularly. How could you do this to me? Everyone always leaves me and rejects me and now YOU TOO." (Generally X will turn on some tears for just a moment and suddenly stop crying and talk about something else)
"Well, they will KNOW that I was always there for them. Haven't I always come back eventually? When you were upset, didn't I try and at least listen to you? People just don't appreciate what our family has done in this community" "I could have been really mean to you, but look, I bought you exactly what you wanted even though you didn't deserve it."
Rubbin the newbie in your face usually occurs once they have hooked up with their next supply source, and sounds like this, "Oh I just ADORE Mary! She is sooooo much funnier than you ever were! I'm just glad you and I split things off before we got really involved. Mary is perfect for me. She is JUST LIKE ME!" (never mind the fact that X was hollering at you last week for trying to act too much LIKE X) "I just know we are a match made in HEAVEN! By the way, would you mind giving Mary a message for me? Thank you dear, I know this will be hard on you, so I really appreciate it." (you are sitting there thinking "did she just really ask me to go talk to her new supply source for her, when she knows how badly it hurts me that she replaced me with someone else?" YEP SHE DID! X doesn't CARE that she is rubbing salt in your wounds with this new friend...she is ENJOYING doing this to you)
The Disappearing Act usually consists of never hearing from X again, emails stopping completely, no more phone calls...they just exit your life as if they never knew you, but be aware, they might still be keeping an eye on you from a distance. But remember, NEVER LET X SEE YA SWEAT! winks
