Where do I go from here?

[Philski44]

After reading more posts I'm impacted to the point of tears.  There is no question that the home I grew up in as the oldest child of four had an N father.  
Aside from being apart of this site, what else can I do to recover from a lifetime exposure to N's?  Seems like I have a neon sign on my forhead that attracts this type of individual in my life.  
Are there some recomended books for someone new to this discovery?  Are there other support groups that ACON's find helpful?
I haven't a clue on how to go about dealing with the discovery that a part of my Being has been raped.  Please help!
Philski

[Portia]

Hiya Philski. Did anyone's story in particular strike you as similar to your own? (Maybe they can help you more if you tell more of your story?) I've only seen three posts from you - not sure if I've missed any...

Are you in, or have you been in therapy of any kind? (Are you in the US?) And have you read any books on healing/narcissism?

[seeker]

Dear Philski,

Hello new friend.  

Sounds like you're feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.  I can remember thinking things like "can this really be true?" "am I making this up?" "Why was I able to 'cope' before and not now?"

My gentle suggestion is to remember to take care of yourself as you dive into all the new information.  Remember to breathe   .  It is overwhelming.  That's because your perspective is changing and it can be disorienting.  It takes time to get used to the new viewpoint, so don't rush your healing.  Walking, getting close to nature (hikes, beach, staring at a leaf, plain sunshine), any kind of exercise are a nice break from the storm boiling in my head.  These activities remind me that I am a part of the Big Picture.

I join Portia in bringing up therapy.  It's quite helpful.  And tons of groups for ACOAs.  (I'm rather shy myself and so haven't gone.) Also the options for self-help are staggering.  Books are my best friends, so of course I turn to those for lots of help. Rummage around the "what helps?" section of the board for ideas of what might work for you, at this stage.

You are just now examining your wound and feeling the pain.  It will take time, but you are on your way to getting better (and feeling better).  Hope it helps to know you are not alone.  Best wishes for your journey, Seeker

[Philski44]

Thanks for the suggestions... Deep breathing is always a stress reliever.  In response to some of the questions, yes I have done alot of therapy in the past and no, currently I am not.  It is difficult to find a good therapist and sometimes dangerous given that imo there are alot of very unhealthy therapists out there.  
I have been involved in 12 step programs for over 24 years.  Between al-anon, AA, ACOA, CODA, SA, and OA I have benefited immensely.  I continue to actively work a good Al-anon program and attend weekly meetings.  You might say it's free therapy that focuses more on the solutions than the problems.
Finding this site and discovering that I am an ACON is a huge piece to my recovery puzzle.  Ive done alot of work on other issues in my life and I believe that this is what has made me ready to deal with the big "N" issue which has been with me since I was an infant.  The competition that my father practiced with me at 7 years old when playing cribbage, the inability of him to ever show genuine unconditional love to his children, the terrible self-image that evolved from early on, and the act of playing God are just a small portion of experiences I've had with dear old dad.  Guess anger is one of the emotions that surfaces with these recent revelations I've been going through.
Thanks so much for the support.  It really does let me know I'm not alone on this and that there is hope and recovery from the wounds that we suffer.  
Love and Light,
Philski

[Anonymous]

Philski, you made me prop when you said the competitiveness when you were 7 years old playing cribbage with your dad.

 So firstly can I ask you some questions at the end of this story?

I'll tell you why, my spouse has been in counselling and has been quite cooperative recently. But you know, there is one blind spot my spouse has that's huge. The counsellor gives my spouse homework to do. You know like one new thing to try to incorporate each week or so, in family relations. Then my spouse journals and reports back, and I journal and report back too so the counsellor can reference them against each other. It's a very interesting experience, collaborative, and we don't get to see each others reports, which is good or it might start fights. One of the things though that the counsellor has been unsuccesful to date to get my spouse to understand, and even my spouse admits they don't get is. This problem contributes to our own children difficulty in keeping their relationships with their friends running smoothly. It goes like this. When one child was 4 they expressed a strong interest in learning chess. I couldn't teach chess, don't know how to play, but my spouse is the chess champ so my spouse decided to teach. From day one my spouse wanted the child to play 'seriously'. The child would cry if my spouse took a peice, and my spouse wouldn't give it back and insisted the child play seriously. Well the interest was definitley in the child because the child would keep bringing the chess board back over months and now years, and within no time I'd hear tears from the child, but the child would keep on playing, snifing and crying. During counselling this was discussed with the counsellor, and the counsellor suggested to my spouse to play with the child certainly, but not to expect the child to play as a 50 year old, but for the spouse to come down and play as a 5 year old. My spouse has found this so impossible to do. Says things like, they have to learn to play properly, I won't play if it's not played properly. This attitude began to transfer to my child at school, where when playing games with other kids, if they got silly and wouldn't play properly my child would say, I won't play with you if you won't play properly, or somtimes my child would threaten not to play if they didn't play my childs way. Fortunately we saw this early on and have been able to work on it, residue still exists today but it's definitely been modified and my child is learning 'new ways to play' that are different to daddy's and more fun for everybody playing .
Is this kind of like how your dad was?
If so, how have you dealt with the effects of this 'training' in your behaviours?
I ask because I'm interested to see how it affected your relationships as an adult?

If none of this applies to you, then hi Philski, how are you going?

[Philski44]

No, this really doesn't apply here.  I say that because my father still plays the same ways today 35 years later.  When he loses, he sulks and has a bad attitude or brings up his last wins to counter the loss.  When he wins, he rubs your nose in it and glotes to no end.  It was never about a desire to teach his child how to play at a high level.  It was about his ego.  It always seemed that his self-esteem and worth was attatched to winning or losing.
Yes, much of my past has involved attatching my self-worth to whether a game was won or lost.  It was rarely for the sheer pleasure of the game itself.  Competitiveness within my relationships has been a problem in the past.  Not so much now because I've done alot of work on old learned behaviors that haven't worked.  I continue to do alot of step work.  Currently working on step 7.... Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.  slowly but surely they are being removed.  Acknowledging them is the first necessary step prior to letting them go.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your considered reply Philski. I appreciate it. May I ask just one more question and please feel free to ignore the question if you find it too tedious or off topic. In addressing the unhealthy competitiveness learned as a child, did you find that that resulted in you learning to compete in more healthy ways, or do you find you tend to avoid situations when they become competitive? Or has it resulted in some other outcome?

Guest

[Philski44]

I think there is a positive quality to the competitiveness I've learned too, provided it is in moderation.  I've run many road races, have completed seven marathons, and am conducting my own 5K benefit run in September.  So yes, although in some arena's (relationships) competitiveness isn't good, others it most certainly is.  The problem even in the productiveness that results is when I attatch my self-worth and esteem to the outcome.
Cheers...