Author Topic: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance  (Read 3621 times)

isittoolate

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This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« on: January 07, 2007, 09:51:13 PM »
Hi,
I am not as good at doing new things for myself, or even planning them. I don’t know why, or maybe don’t know how.

Am I afraid? Maybe! Am I afraid of change? I believe so!

Today the sidewalks were clear enough for me to wheel to the library and exchange my books. That was about an hour of fresh air and the only exercise I can do.

I am a computer addict and read much online. I have two sites book-marked, one on compassion and one on virtues.

It’s 5:15 Pacific time and I have not yet eaten. I never get hungry, so if I’m busy I forget. (about 6:33 when I finished.)

I also have not cried in 15 years. I feel very empty about everything and just take a day at a time, so to speak. Yesterday, I planned for the Library today, but that would have been all shot to hell if it had snowed overnight!

I haven’t driven out of town for 4 years. I tank my car 4 xs per year. I live on a residential street, the last before downtown begins. I am one block away from where I need to go a lot…banks, re work and personal, drug store, and post office, so I don’t need the car.  I take it for grocery shopping.

I know this doesn’t sound very healthy for me, but I cannot bring myself to go out and join a bridge club (don’t play) or some other senior’s event, as I don’t feel like a senior. I have to pull my life together to get into the thinking of my age group.  I feel like 30.

It is difficult for some people to hang around with a disabled person, since I require accessibility, and don't do bowling and dancing as before, and some places just aren’t accessible to me, or maybe the dining room is, but the washroom is up a few steps. Infuriating! I don’t feel like joining groups for disabled persons. I have done that before (4 different ones) and it never worked out, as I am so independently disabled and not a whiner that I just don’t seem to fit. But in one I was President and held down about 6 other positions to keep things going, one being the Fundraiser. When I finally resigned my jobs, the group fell apart. I don’t want responsibility like that now.

But that’s the story of my life. Where do I fit in? I certainly was the scapegoat in my FOO. I believe therefore that is where my insecurities began. However, living as I do, I am feeling much more safe and secure, than ever before, in my life... yet we all know it is an escape!

I just don’t want people to know about my dysfunctional upbringing, that I never married, that my daughter is illegitimate, that my family was ashamed of me for that, that her father committed suicide, that I sometimes drank too much when the pain was too much, that I still resent my siblings for not visiting me in the hospital (I was there a year) and my daughter changed from age 5 to age 6 and I think our bond might been broken, since my sister, who had her, waited TWO months to bring her to see me, in spite of all her crying and asking for me. I was furious and was paying her and writing regularly asking her to bring her—but to time it for when I was face up on the stryker frame, not face down. People would come and talk to the back of my head. Only 2 ever got on the floor and looked up into my eyes.

When son-in-law dismissed me and I no longer saw daughter or my 2 grandkids, this same sister would drive all the way to see my daughter, take the kids for the weekend etc. and I was furious and jealous—was she trying to take my place as the grandmother/mother? I lived not far away and these long trips for her….. never did she come to see me.

Two years after the estrangement when I went into a crying jag (OK—I haven’t cried for 13 years) I couldn’t stop and she, by happenstance, dropped in to see me. I was yelling like a crazy fool in the parking lot as I unloaded my groceries and threw everything into her face and told her to get out of my life and out of my daughter’s life. I went to the doctor the next day and went on Zoloft.

Sis is a kindly soul and never meant any harm, but she hadn’t seen how it hurt me. She came again to see me and we talked it out, but some things I never forget when they cannot be undone.

My mother, spina bifida, scoliosis, was finally in a wheelchair at age 47, 13 years before my car crash.  My eldest sister told me that her husband couldn’t stand to be around mom, since he was so uncomfortable with disabilities. I suppose we have to watch what we say, as then I was disabled and avoided him.

Even my mother didn’t come to the hospital for 2 weeks and I was at death’s door for 6 days, but knew people! Wouldn’t you mothers out there go immediately to the hospital if your child was in an awful, disabling car crash?…….or was it her own disability?

Well my dysfunctional family drove me crazy……… and now I live 2000 miles away from them all. Brother and sister (the one above) are coming to see me in July. I am not ecstatic about that!

Why am I 2000 miles away? This is where the psychopath of my life brought me. He is a flaming Narcissist with criminal history…I now know… and he was after my money…and they can be called psychopaths, a P/N. Not all Narcissists are psycho but all psychos are Ns.

In 6 months I realized I fallen in love with a puff of smoke and it took me FOUR long years to get out! I did so in June of 2002, and here I am.

Why 4 years? I couldn’t find an apt. One had a sunken tub; one had an uphill trip to throw out my garbage. One I had to buy a fridge and stove (I didn’t want to own anymore than what I had.) Another I had to buy a washer and dryer. There was only one accessible apt available and it was magnificent for only $2000/mo.

Now I have one I can manage except I cannot close the bathroom door. That’s a lot of fun!!

I apologize that this is so long, but it puts together some of the things I said in my first post! Is It Too Late?

Izzy..                                 who lives with shame, then is all smiling and friendly with the workmates, but ..don't they dare ever try to get close! to  me!!!

dandylife

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2007, 10:33:36 PM »
Izzy,
You have been through so much. And without a support system. You have probably been told before about your amazing strength and persistence.

You have alot of wisdom to share with us and the rest of the world through your experience. Please keep telling us what you've learned, if you are willing.

I want to hear more about the one part you bolded - "Brother and sister (the one above) are coming to see me in July. I am not ecstatic about that!"

And you moved away because of the N (psychopathic?) in your life. You've had alot of trauma - being seperated from your child, having a traumatic car crash, being alone, all things you described are traumatic.

I am thinking about you tonight, and hoping that you have things in your life that bring you comfort, whatever they might be.
Dandylife



"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

gratitude28

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2007, 10:45:05 PM »
Izzy, my dear,
To start with the end of your post, I was always the smiling and happy person at work. You'd have thought I was the Golden Girl (and most people did). Meanwhile I was angry and starting to drink a lot, even at a very young age. I moved far away from my family as soon as college was out and dumped the boyfriend... but you can't hide from yourself, can you? Met a great guy and married him and still managed to become an alcoholic. I disabled myself, as it were... and crawling out of that hole was awful and terribly hard at the end. None of us is perfect and we have all made grand mistakes. I am just giving you the surface of mine, but if you scratch a little, I am sure you can add in the rest. I can't change the awful things I did. And I can't change the awful things done to me. So.... I live one day at a time. And I now try to avoid the poison people. I still smile at work, because I think you should. But I don't roll over and let people take advantage of me anymore because I feel I need to please everyone all the time.
(((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))
So glad you are here.
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Hopalong

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2007, 11:46:12 PM »
Izzy,

Thank you so much for sharing your hard, painful, but very inspiring story.
I am so awed by your courage and persistence and endurance.

I am staggered that your family abandoned you to the pain of your recovery. Words fail.

I don't even know what to pray to, but I am sending my best energy out to you, who so deserves some support.

You are an amazing human being.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

isittoolate

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2007, 11:51:07 PM »
Hi Dandylife
I appreciate your response.

It took me a long time to realize I was ‘on my own’ without a support system, so I became overly independent. (I don’t like it when someone grabs my chair and pushes me—like pushing me around—but that person is only trying to be helpful.) If I am not wheeling my chair I feel as thought I ought to be all slumped over, drooling on my shoes!!

Do I have a lot of wisdom, after all my wrong choices ….or just a messy life to share? I wonder how wise I was/am!

When I realized I was somewhat, close to, if not a person with, AvPD, I wrote a ‘private and confidential’ email to my eldest sister, 72, and I told her this was serious. Her response was as though she didn’t understand a thing and said that "life was like playing golf”. (She is very high up in the Ontario/Canada leagues.)”If you make a hole, you hold your chin up, you walk away feeling good and look like a winner. If you don’t make the hole, you hold your chin up, walk away feeling good and looking like a winner.” Oh great help to me!!!!!

Well F*** her!!!! That was no answer. I just couldn’t respond to that email and I think she notified my sister (the one who is coming.) All emails I received, after, are as though this eldest sister did not respect the ‘private and confidential’—she was a psychiatric nurse until she retired.—and probably said , “OMG She’s being dramatic again! Look at this!!!”

I moved away WITH the psychopath as I thought we were magic together—and who was I leaving behind? Only a family that never cared! (I picture it as a talk amongst them all as to who is going to look after me/take me in when I am 100 yrs old.—well ha ha on them. None of them will ever take me in!! I will do as I see fit! I saw his other side on the trip out here and was really disillusioned, embarrassed, humiliated, debased and petrified!

Yes, Everything was traumatic so I don’t really know how much damage has been done to my psyche.

Yet I am still good a website building and accounting, and assisting people in basic computer and other troubleshooting problems, I read a lot, and I write song lyrics and set them to music. I really have no time for my foo---yet the two are coming out. I have 7 months to decide what I might or might not say!!

Love
Izzy

isittoolate

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2007, 12:04:52 AM »
Hi gratitude

No! No matter where you go, there you are! We cannot hide from ourselves.

“A sailor can change his skies, but not his heart”

So where do you stand with the alcoholism now? Have you quit? It’s a terrible disease!

The poison people, the toxic ones, are to be avoided! Completely! The Ns and the Ps

So I gather you have learned to be assertive? I have just started and it scared the hell out of me, but when I asserted myself, each time, I received an apology! I felt great and wished I had know this years ago! Learning how to say ”No”, so to speak!

I was relieved to hear that you, too, are little miss sunshine when it calls for it.....while no one knows your pain!!!


Thank you for your response and all the Hugs

((((((((((((((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

isittoolate

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2007, 12:24:26 AM »
Hiya Hops

So you find my life story inspiring!?

Well I suppose so, since I am still alive!  I never realized when these things happened, that I could ‘get away’, but I did and I was scared!

When I think back about how often I saw the family in that year of hospitalization, it appalls me. It was 37 years ago and I doubt they even remember, but my brother came to see me once. That sister brought my child in to see me once! The eldest sister, a nurse, came to see me every day, at first, opened, read my mail, and left. She stopped because she couldn’t stand to look at me. (I know that because she told my next oldest sister, who told me,) I didn’t need to hear that! What cruelty!!

I think I appear to be a survivor, but inside my head there are different thoughts than those expressed to me! It is somehow difficult to reply!

You can send me all the energy you have. I have housework to do!!!

Yes! I realize now that I have gone through life without a support system! Maybe I ended up in trouble because I had no one, or thought I needed no one??? Who knows!!

What I needed was guidance and structure, as a child.

Hugs to you(((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think for guidance I put the hugs around my name

Xxoo
Izzy

Hopalong

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2007, 01:10:16 AM »
(((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))

You matter.

We all matter, none less, none more.

Sleep tight,

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

axa

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2007, 06:11:31 AM »
Izzy,

Thank you for sharing your story.  The isolation and pain is clear in your posts.  What I hear through it all is that you are a survivor.  You did not give up.  Encountering a psychopath............ to survive that is extraordinary.  I believe it is never too late to live.  It is not easy but it is possible.  I struggle daily with having a life but I am determined to not let the Ns in my life steal my future, however long that may be.

Take care,

axa

Bones

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2007, 12:23:18 PM »
(((((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was thinking that if I were in your shoes, and my N relatives announced that they were going to "visit" me, I would probably respond in the following ways:

"If you are coming to see me because you love me, you can visit anytime.  If you're coming to inspect my housekeeping, make an appointment!"

"oh, by the way, Nrelatives?  Here's a list of motels and hotels you can stay at!  I'm not the freebie family hotel!"   :P  I would LOVE to see the expressions on their faces for that one!!!!

Bones

Jade

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2007, 06:17:39 PM »
Hi Izzy:

Two things struck me in your posts:

Quote
I realized I fallen in love with a puff of smoke
Sometimes I think this happens to me as well. But we need to love as well as to be loved. If there is no one to love we will create one.

Quote
I am still good a website building and accounting, and assisting people in basic computer and other troubleshooting problems, I read a lot, and I write song lyrics and set them to music.
Except for the accounting, this describes me as well.

Good luck with your struggles.

isittoolate

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2007, 08:13:44 PM »
Thank you again Hops
and axa
and CB123
and Bones
and Jade



Now I'm going to begin a new thread of where my head goes from here.
Izzy

gratitude28

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2007, 08:44:09 PM »
Hey Izzy,
Thanks for the personal response. I am happily sober (3 years) and happily in love and adore my kids. Life has picked up and looked up.
I didn't mean to slobber on about my situation. I was trying to say that we've all done things that we are far from proud to have done :)
So glad you are here and so glad you are ready to leave the past behind and move forward.
You are a very strong person. You have dealt with disability that most of us would crumble if confronted with.
((((((((((((((((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))))))))
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

isittoolate

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2007, 09:22:27 PM »
Hey gratitude,

You are welcome.

I felt your past pain and struggle, and the "little miss sunshine" facade! Congratulations on 3 Years!!!!!

I admire you so for getting out of the hole and gaining sobriety. I know others who have and some, very important to me, who couldn't hack it. One was my daughter's father who killed himself, after we hadn't seen him for 7 years. I was a farm gal and quite innocent, never knew what the struggle was, nor about AA. i just left him. I've seen other people hang in there and all works out well, but I did what was right...for me and for my daughter....leaving!

And you didn't slobber about yourself....more like I am doing it with my threads!

Unaccustomed as I am to public hugging, I meant
((((gratitude))))))))))))))))

instead of hugging myself.
(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Izzy

isittoolate

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Re: This is a long mess of my life.. apologies in advance
« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2007, 09:25:12 PM »
Thank you moonlight

Your posts are so gently written

love
Izzy