Messy Life--Part Two

[pennyplant]

The beauty thing--I get so hung up on that.  I have ALWAYS thought that beautiful people had good lives, that everything went their way.  So, I see your pictures, Izzy, and I think, she is beautiful and her life did not go easily at all.  It was and is hard.  I have always wondered, what would my life have been like if I were beautiful?  And when people have told me I am pretty or attractive or whatever, I haven't believed it because my life has felt hard to me.  Then a few years ago, I saw the surface beauty of myself and it made me feel happy for awhile.  But life is still hard.  So, I began to think, what good is it then?  So, a person is beautiful or pretty or physically attractive.  What is that?  And what about someone who doesn't fit the standard?  What do they do?  So many people I have met do not fit the standard yet they seem self-confident and happy and have many friends.  I may fit some kind of standard but I don't have all that they have socially.

It is a big puzzle for me.  On some level, I want to get away from the need for beauty.  On another level, I want to be the best me I can be, including the surface beauty.  As much surface beauty as there is.  But the insides, that is the real problem.  The huger puzzle.

Even with all that going through my mind, I really just liked seeing your pictures, Izzy, and your myspace pictures, Beth.  It's another piece of the pie, I guess.  We have to share ourselves and be open in order for others to want to know us.  I have such a hard time with that.  Such a struggle.  Sometimes I think I share too much.  Other times, most times, I don't share enough.  Just fear, I guess.  Fear of pain, fear of loss.  That's basically it.

I have tried to attach a picture of me at my new work assignment but it didn't work as the file was too large.  One of these days I'll learn more about computers...

Pennyplant

[gratitude28]

I am always afraid people will see through me... to something that is wrong inside me. I feel that if I paint the outside as good and happy (and pretty when I can) then they won't see the fear and the "bad" me. That is why I am afraid to go to the doctor. I am afraid he/she will know just from looking at me that I am not being "perfect" whatever that means. I am not sure what I'd have to do to be the perfect that is in my mind. maybe live on tofu and beans and do yoga all day in between running through fields of flowers. But then I would be flatulent and not much of a contributor to society. See my quandry????

[CB123]

Beth,

Your comment about the doctor hit home!  I always feel like going to the doctor is some kind of exam.  Like I can't go until I know I'll get a good "score"--I'll go when I lose a few pounds, quit using real butter instead of olive oil, exercise 1/2 hour each day.  How weird!  I don't know why I do that.

CB

[gratitude28]

That is EXACTLY what I mean, CB. And I won't ask for help until I am dying... I wouldn't go to AA for help with my drinking because I kept saying if I got a few weeks under my belt then I would go so I wouldn't be embarrassed about being new... So dumb. They are here to help us and I can't accept that.

[seasons]

Izzy
,I even posted my photos to see if anyone said I looked less than human. I look at myself as I doddle, comb my hair  & say "I am not real" but who would know what a jumble goes on inside my head??

Thank you for sharing you with us. My first thoughts, how lovely you are. Besides your natural beauty their was a softness about you.... shining through. I felt warm, thats a nice feeling to have when you look at someone. You were real to me.

((Izzy)) Thank you for sharing the "shame" with us. That has been a huge obstacle for me also....shame....go away.

much love and hope for your healing journey of spirit and mind......seasons

[isittoolate]

Hello pennyplant
And gratitude
And CB
And seasons

Thank you all for your comments. Yes, PP, we generally think the beautiful people have it made. We generally think the rich people have it made. Yet it always comes down to what is on the INSIDE, and it’s what is inside that shines through to make us beautiful. I posted that earlier in a post somewhere that I could see something in other girls that I felt I didn’t have and that was the inner beauty shining through.

I can see that in you Beth, in your myspace photo, but you would have a problem with all those beans. I laughed!....but the inner beauty would still be there.

Seasons it was from Beth that the word SHAME hit home and then in another post of hers, SELF-CONDEMNATION. I really need to hear these words thrown out and see which ones stick to me. It is very much the truth that I don’t feel real.

I had to ponder what my reply would be regarding comments on my photos, this one and the one on the other thread of me at 66. I said it was all done with smoke and mirrors and it’s amazing what one can do with a “makeover”—even if it is home grown. You’ve seen the makeovers on TV? They are so CHANGED.

In actuality, my face is blank. I can paint any picture on it that I want, so in comes makeup to paint in over the invisible eyebrows and eyelashes. I have a very high forehead and my hairline in set back. Also my head is shaped like an egg, so I style my hair to offset the flaws, wearing bangs, always, and hair down the side of my face and I poof up a bunch at the crown to offset the flatness. So now I have a hurt and painful persona that looks acceptable in public.

Now I am left with a face that ”isn’t mine” and all the disorders inside.

So on top of it all, I feel like a phony.

Oh real story! I never removed my eyebrows for overnight in case I died in my sleep. When my daughter was born, the damned nurses slopped off my makeup with those damp facecloths and there I was, naked for all to see. Then I was taken back to my room and I grabbed my case and applied makeup and combed my hair, that had been so messed out of control and turned it into like a French roll? Well the nurse came to bring me my baby then started to back out of the room, saying. ”I’m sorry, I was looking for Mrs. T.” I said I was she and she said she hadn’t even recognized me. There you go!!
Love
izzy

[isittoolate]

To everyone,

I began this thread wondering if I could continue, if people could dig into their experiences and throw out anything to be of help, so I could find a route to take to healing whatever is stuck within me.

I am glad I am still here. I feel hopeful
Thank you, all

This doesn't mean The End, just a thank you for throwing me ideas.

Izzy

[Hopalong]

Hi Izzy,
I think feeling shame is accepting broken unimaginative people's definition of who you are.

One of the main things I think about narcissists is that they are boring.

Even death destruction trashing a young spirit being brutal being angry all the time recreational criticizing...

All of those, when my spirit looks at them honestly, are boring.

What brings meaning to my life is honesty and creativity.

I think you are very honest and creative and I also think that something is bugging you about the definiion of yourself that you've accepted. I am wondering if you might be getting irritated with it?

I'm really glad you're here and hope you post and post and post as the shell perhaps cracks a little.

(That kind of cracking is a good thing, not a crazy thing.)

Hops

[isittoolate]

Very good Hops

I also think that something is bugging you about the definition of yourself that you've accepted. I am wondering if you might be getting irritated with it?

This very well could be true and I really need to know that "unknown thing".

They talk about peeling back the layers, one by one--well I think one sledgehammer might do it!  IT is the "something wrong with me" that I've thought of since my teens.

I am resentful of my parents' way of raising me to know nothing--and of my sibs taunting me. With 2 older sisters, I never even learned anything about what they were doing, as when they got their periods. I knew something was afoot and I had to sneak into their bedroom, snoop under the mattress to find a booklet from Kotex and I finally knew what was ahead for me. I snooped in their closet and saw the box of Kotex. I suppose I am ashamed of snooping, but that was the only way , sometimes, to find out things.

You see, I really dislike all these memories and having (feeling i have..) to go back to sort out the ones that could mean something that might "crack my shell".
............as long as anyone thinks of something and pitches it at me........
love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

I think you're brave, Izzy.

Why not start with a simple: "I am brave", said quietly to yourself several times a day until you believe it.

(You can argue, you can not feel it at all, but just keep saying it.)

One book that blew my mind and changed my life (now out of print but someone could find it) is called The Wisdom of Your Subconscious Mind.

Hops

[seastorm]

Izzy,

You area sensitive and darling girl. I can say this because I am a lot older than you. You are sooooo creative and curious and investigative.
And.... You are perfect just the way you are. I like what you say and it is not crap at all. Somewhere you said that.
You have lots of humanity in you and to me that is success.
Keep pouring out what is in your heart. You are sharing and that is a gift to all of us. For me anyway.
I know that part of me that is so ashamed and humiliated. It burns at my soul and makes me want to disappear. But for all of us who feel disappeared it is helpful to hear that someone feels that way too. It helps a lot.

Lots of love to you,
Sea storm

[isittoolate]

(((Hiya Hops)))

I often tell myself I am a survivor—does that also mean I feel I am brave? I think I can handle anything that comes my way, except estrangement from my daughter—and handle it with grace under pressure, as long as I am dealing with a stranger who doesn’t know my story.

One of the Co-Treasurers for me is a Chartered Accountant. He knows it all and Dr. Cr. and the crazy way a Dr can be a + and Cr can be a - (minus). At first he scared me as I am a high school graduate only and the rest is “I learned it on the job, or I taught myself”. George was always so stern looking and now after 1½ years I have him on my side and he’s even cracking jokes, being more outgoing with me, telling me that if I hadn’t sent him that certain file, he “would have thought he was going insane, so thank you.” This is an example of my communication with him, by phone or email only.

I really need for people to like and appreciate me, just for who I am, without my baggage.
The people who don’t fit that category are my siblings and my daughter.

I’m feeling perky and am hopeful!


((((seasons)))

You cannot be older than I.  I am the Grandma of the Board! 67….. 68 in April: Taurus: stubborn and bull-headed, practical and persistent.

This is the best Board I have found on the Net and thank you for your good words. We all must realize that no one is here just for the fun of it. We are here because we have a problem and require some feedback.

I have learned a lot in the few short days I have been here. I have had words like ‘shame’ and ‘self-condemnation’ thrown out to me and that gives me another path to follow to put the pieces together.

This seems to be the safest place to share it all, right to the nitty-gritty and somewhere in someone’s story, will be something that will help another. I see that.

You and your N. Gee. My daughter and her N: me and my P/N.   Anyone who has lived/dealt with one can just know the crazymaking that takes place, the horrors of being reduced to a babbling idiot because the N is always right and can talk the hind legs off a horse.

It took me about 3 years to get over that mess, but I still had baggage from earlier---likely what made me ‘available to an N’.

You have been so understanding since I came on board and I thank you.

Love to both
Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

I love your train Izzy and so does my little one.  Where in the world do you find such wonderful images?

[Dazed1]

Hi Izzy,

I've been reading your posts and think you have a great sense of humor, are extremely intelligent and very good looking.  I love the graphics you post. 

I am very moved by your stories and know you have been through a lot.  I'm sorry for all the pain you've been through.

In my nonprofessional opinion, I don't think you have APD.  I think you are very sociable and engaging.  You have me laughing at your little signs, like the one about the mind being dark and scary and the other one about gnawing through the straps.   

Forgive me for being presumptuous and projecting but, I think you're like me:  I don't like hanging out with people I don't like and therefore, there's not many people with whom I hang out.  I do not enjoy being with people for the sole purpose of just being with people.  I want to be with people whose company I enjoy.

The main reason I wanted to post to you is regarding your bathroom door!!!!  Sounds a little weird, eh?  But, I was thinking that you could have the current door replaced withsome kind of folding door which can close.

If you live in a rental, you could ask the owner or manager to do it and tell them you'll pay for it.

If you don't want to ask the owner/manager, a handyman can do it.

In either case, changing the door shouldn't be too expensive.

I bring this up because you said that the door situation puts a crimp in your social life and I feel that a different door could eliminate that crimp.  How about the metaphor of opening (or in this case, closing) a door to your comfort and quality of life?

Anyway, Izzy, you are one heck of a gal and I enjoy having you here.

dazed

[isittoolate]

Hiya GS

I’m glad your little one like my train. I look for images on purpose or come across them by accident and have an Image folder to which I save them. I like to use them in emails. The ones that are here I uploaded to web spaces that I have built, have access to. They have the space and will never know. In time I take things down. Just right-click and Save AS—to whatever folder you want—as these won’t be here forever.

I was playing a game I like, online. Big Kahuna Reef. I get only 10 levels but I love level 6, however I must play levels 1-5 to get to 6 each time. I can become so carried away with certain things and I think it is good and it staves off Alzhiemers to play a game of strategy, as well as build websites and balance books!

I am addicted to the computer, have a double desk and two computers.  (hog)

  to you Both

hiya Dazed1
I like that name because now I know who the first DAZED woman in the world is and am glad to know you.

I have to agree with you here:
“Forgive me for being presumptuous and projecting but, I think you're like me:  I don't like hanging out with people I don't like and therefore, there's not many people with whom I hang out.  I do not enjoy being with people for the sole purpose of just being with people.  I want to be with people whose company I enjoy.”
Well  I’m glad you enjoy  my sense of humour. I think it is a littlr weird, but it makes me happy!! 

You know “Dazedly Dazedly give me your answer true”—oopss off key there!”
I have been in the ‘chair for 37 years and I have tried to never let it get me down. 

There was a time when Sears had only a freight elevator at the back—well I says—“I am not freight”—so I rode up on the escalators.!! And back down on the escalators. I was finally chased out of the store by a manager, all the way to the parking lot, who shook his finger at me and told me to stop that, as I was scaring his customers!

Your mentioning my bathroom door told me—I can do something! (The managers did it and won’t reverse the door frames. I rent.)  So I just went to the little room and realized that even though my chair takes up all the floor space and the door is out in the hallway, there is a way, and I accomplished it. The end result is that I CAN close the door and my chair is only slightly crooked with the ‘can’ IT WORKS!

I am also beginning to think I don’t have AvPD, as ‘seastorm’ first said, about not hanging on to that title too tightly.
I can tell you, though, that I cannot go through a revolving door or a turnstile--- but they are almost obsolete now! I left the rehab hosp in 1970 and that is the year that changes were being made. Nevertheless, I ran into obstacles, and overcame them, physically, so I expect I ought to emotionally.

I love graphics for websites and emails. I am a very young 67, and I wonder if it’s because I never had a chidlhood.

Thank you foe enjoying me

Love Izzy