Pandora: I am really new here. Found this site less than two weeks ago. In that two weeks I have walked away for the last time from a man who has been the N in my life for over 20 years.
I am the daughter of an N, but didn't know it. The last 20 years of my life have revolved around the N in my life, but I had no idea he was an N either. I have been in therapy for over 20 years. Have been to treatment center for alcohol and drug addiction (trying to cope with being hooked into an N). Have 18 years of being clean and sobor. Have spent all but two years of the last 18 in some twelve step program or another. Have been in AA, NA, SLAA, AlAnon, OA and Coda. Have done all of that trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't live with or without this man that was literally consuming my soul.
Today, as I finally understand what has been going on, I want to say to you....run, run as fast as you can away from this man who is your husband. Spend every moment you can spare studying and learning about what an N really is. Do not delude yourself. In my own opinion, if a therapist has not said that to you, knowing that you are trying to deal with an N; then that therapist is harming you.
Let me say as clearly as I can. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. You cannot change yourself in any way that will help your N to have empathy or become kind to you or stop trying to blame everything on you. My "perfect", always "right" N used my recovery issues and my wish to get well as a way to make everything my fault. It had to be my fault, because he was perfect (with no addictions and no need for therapy). He was/is just perfect.
However within the last few weeks, I learned that he does have one "human" frailty which he apparantely has used to cover up any weakness he might appear to have...he is a cross dressser in private. (Let me clearly state, I have ablsolutely no problems with a cross dresser, none, zip). But can you imagine someone living with the shame of being a cross dresser (a deputy sheriff, no less) who makes it his mission in life to point out how sick 'you' are while he goes into his private room to put on women's clothes, complete with bra, wig and make-up?
Ah, a Narcissist unveiled!! Please I beg of you. Run do not walk. I have given my entire life to this man that I adored. No one, not one person helped to understand that this was a sick man, a very sick man, who would need to work the entire rest of his life to get well, and that even doing that, he might still be the same.
The good doctor who has given us this site, in my opinion, knows what this damage is all about and is doing everything in his power to warn us. I do not belive, in my opinion, that he has given us this site so that we will learn to live with or stay with a narcissist, or try to get along with one. I think, in my opinion, he is doing this because he knows how seriously damaging it can be for anyone to get hooked into an N.
I'm not sure what is going on in the world of therapy that therapists, in some cases, seem to be clueless about Narcissists. But if they are not clueless, which your therapist clearly is not, then I believe, in my opinion only, that he is guilty of malpractice for not taking a strong stand in making you understand the importance of leaving.
If a therapist was not actively encouraging a woman from leaving a marriage where she was being physically abused, would there be any excuse for that? Then why should there be any leeway for a therapist to be wishy/washy about staying in a marriage with an N?
So, since he or she apparantely is more concerned with getting therapy money from you than truly saving your life, I will say it for him/her. Get out. Get out now. You have learned enough. Don't hold what you know about him up to the light and try and "figure it out". You won't be able to. Just reading your post tells me already you are too kind, too honest, too understanding for him and that he is using all of those endearing traits in you for his own sick purposes.
I wish you health, courage and all of the strength you will need to do what you need to do. And if you do leave...don't ever look back...Hugs. Sally