self doubt? Was I raised by an NPD?

[charlotte]

I recently sought care through a psychologist for my problems with deep insecurity and constant self-doubt. I am a very successful person both personally, socially, and professionally, but have tremendous deep insecurity that is paralyzing at times. My therapist believes my Dad was an N.

I was (and am) terrified of him. He has been horribly verbally abusive to all of us in the family on a routine basis. I was frequently told I was "stupid" and "worthless" despite being the proverbial good girl who did everything right (straight As, medical school, etc.) He is always right, and to contradict him or try to have an intellectual discussion about something risks savage rage. I always get very nervous around him, because I never know what might set him off.

He is extremely hypercritical, nothing is really ever good enough, if you show him something you are proud of he is bound to criticize it. He appears to be jealous of me (his own daughter!) when ever I achieve an intellectual goal. He tends towards deep moodiness.

When I moved away from home it took me a long time to recognize that my home life had not been normal, if I made a mistake (like forgot to save my work on the computer before it I signed off) I would cringe in front of my husband, fully expecting to get yelled at... Couldn't believe it when it didn't happen.

But I would not say he selfish, really. And I am not sure about the lack of empathy... And he is not obsessed at all with appearance, and he has a great sense of humor...

I guess I am feeling a lot of guilt, I hate to be one of those whining "my parents made me like this" kind of people. I guess I am looking for validation - do other people who were raised by Ns have lots of self-doubt and fear of making mistakes? Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

[rosencrantz]

Sorry - I seem to have posted twice whilst I was still thinking about my reply!!!  Have now deleted extraneous messages and started again!!!  

I was (and am) terrified of him.

Hi Charlotte - I didn't really need to read any further.  Yes!  Join the club!

And yes, to the rest of your post, too.

I bet he's got a great sense of humour - WHEN everyone is being amused by him and he feels he's got a great audience.  Not selfish?  Well, he doesn't sound very 'giving'! Unless he gives in order to get a bigger reward with all the thanks he'll get (and then milks it to get more out of you).

You'll probably spend a lot of time trying to find miniscule nuggets of redeeming features like that.  I think it's part of the process.  

I guess I am feeling a lot of guilt, I hate to be one of those whining "my parents made me like this" kind of people.

Been there!  That's what keeps us under their thumb!!  I bet you've got a huge sense of responsibility, too.  Ooops - I just knocked my coffee over!  (I bet you thought that was your fault, too!!   )

I guess I am looking for validation - do other people who were raised by Ns have lots of self-doubt and fear of making mistakes?

We were raised to be perfect because imperfection is a blot on their copybook and because we are constantly trying to gain their approval.  What we didn't learn was that we never will.  You'll never be perfect enough because human beings aren't programmed to be 'perfect'. Being 'human' is just perfect for the rest of us.

The only thing (in my experience) you can do is believe what you believe (what you honestly believe).  And don't give those niggling little doubts houseroom.  Those niggling little doubts are the ones planted by Dad and they are the ones that undermine you.  Try having an imaginary dustbin or a locked drawer and keep them there until you are ready to send them off to the tip!!

That's horrible to think of you cringing, expecting to get told off.  It's a long journey to re-building your self-esteem from the bottom up but you've got a head start because you can describe so well what he does.  Everything in my family was shhh! a secret - so I couldn't even name the behaviour (and I still find it difficult).
R

PS My mother left a message on the answermachine a short while ago - that's probably why I managed to mess up posting this post!  Have I ever misposted before?  No!  One call from mother and I'm an instant nervous wreck who can't do anything right!!    And I am so fed up of feeling terrorised.  (Am I 'feeling' terrorised or 'being' terrorised??!)

[seeker]

Hi Charlotte,

Wow, I related 100% to your post!  My dad also has a great sense of humor and is not obsessed with his appearance.  I have read there are a couple of kinds of N-superiority, like body-perfection (somatic narcissism) and smarts (intellectual N).  My dad was the latter.  He always knew more than anyone.  Also had a verbal bazooka at the ready for anyone who dared to challenge him.  So if no one did, it was peaceful.

It was only recently that I realized how messed up my family is, too.  How badly I was shouted down by my dad and a brother.  There is a strong anti-woman bias in my family due to the fact that my grandmother rejected my dad (wonder why...) and my mother's sisters dumped on her so badly.  I got a lot of old garbage subtley packed in my bag.  I think the feminist movement saved me from thinking I was totally worthless.  Of course, I couldn't openly declared myself a feminist.  But it helped me to realize I had a place in this world, so back off, boys!  

"Voicelessness" is a concept that is just brilliant.  It clicked immediately with me.  I told my therapist that opinions=power.  My dad's opinion is the only one that matters.  Whenever my mom felt strongly enough about something to put her foot down, he would always act so surprised that a. she had an opinion, b. it was different than his own, and c. he would have to accommodate it.    

What was your dad like when you ask him about a particular situation that required emotional support?  My dad's reactions ranged from expressing annoyance/inconvenienced to rage at my self-absorption      I one case he even successfully turned the conversation around to me taking care of his feelings about a problem troubling him.    

Your dad may not be full-blown NPD, although the verbal rage seems pretty abusive.  I know what you mean about not wanting to be a whiny parent basher.   You are not undergoing this quest to undress your parents publicly and wreak revenge.  But if you understand and look through an adult lens at your childhood, you will understand yourself better and be able to take appropriate steps to heal.  So go ahead and allow yourself to take a nice long look at your parents' flaws.  It will be disorienting at first, so take your time.  

Welcome to the board and thanks for posting.  Seeker.

[cj]

Hi Charlotte.
I'm new to this board and still taking on board (?) a lot of what im reading, wondering if it applies to me. I certainly do relate to your feelings of guilt... and worrying about being one of these (in your own words) ''my parents made me like this' kind of people''. But where do you think that comes from? Is it what you've ehard others say? Do you really believe it? I guess if you realise it did make a lot of difference to how you are now, you will feel *justified* in whining, and won't need to excuse yourself/apologise for it!:)
Its how you feel that matters. People whine all the time, why should whining about your parents be any less valid? lol.
I relate to the feeling akward, having had/having extreme self consciousness around people, especially in my teenage years.
I had a friend who I have no doubt had a narcisistic streak, and when he wasn't busy adoring the results of his body building in the mirror, he spent a lot of time putting me down and making me feel stupid. This guy was unbelievably loud around people, and it wasn't until years after I realised WHY, and how insecure he actually was underneath. I look back now, and see the needy desperate child that was in him, literally, and think 'why the hell didn't I see it then????'. (I also wonder if others seen it, and to be honest think they must have been STUPID not to (er....like I was really lol. Just in a different way is all.) Anyway, I digress...
Years after, I'd find it very weird being around people who didn't put me down, (its like I find it too good to be true, and still to this day can't involve myself with ease) and even now, I still feel in that role, sometimes, waiting for it (put down/redicule) to happen. Like my *every* move is being evaluated and under survailence.
I have no doubt my parental upbringing had a lot to do with me ready to adopt that role I refer to above, (or gave me that role to begin with!) (my life story can be found elsewhere here!:)).
I do feel guilt, so I know what you mean. Is it guilt about 'going behind your parents back'? I mean think about it, really?
Sorry this is all I can write for the moment, but good luck, and hang around.

I recently sought care through a psychologist for my problems with deep insecurity and constant self-doubt. I am a very successful person both personally, socially, and professionally, but have tremendous deep insecurity that is paralyzing at times. My therapist believes my Dad was an N.

I was (and am) terrified of him. He has been horribly verbally abusive to all of us in the family on a routine basis. I was frequently told I was "stupid" and "worthless" despite being the proverbial good girl who did everything right (straight As, medical school, etc.) He is always right, and to contradict him or try to have an intellectual discussion about something risks savage rage. I always get very nervous around him, because I never know what might set him off.

He is extremely hypercritical, nothing is really ever good enough, if you show him something you are proud of he is bound to criticize it. He appears to be jealous of me (his own daughter!) when ever I achieve an intellectual goal. He tends towards deep moodiness.

When I moved away from home it took me a long time to recognize that my home life had not been normal, if I made a mistake (like forgot to save my work on the computer before it I signed off) I would cringe in front of my husband, fully expecting to get yelled at... Couldn't believe it when it didn't happen.

But I would not say he selfish, really. And I am not sure about the lack of empathy... And he is not obsessed at all with appearance, and he has a great sense of humor...

I guess I am feeling a lot of guilt, I hate to be one of those whining "my parents made me like this" kind of people. I guess I am looking for validation - do other people who were raised by Ns have lots of self-doubt and fear of making mistakes? Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

[Nic]

Hi Charlotte,
What a beautiful name you have!
Yes well, their is no need to feel guilty..sounds to me like you've come to a point in your life when you're ready to give yourself your own congrats and kuddos.  
Like it or not, your parents made you the way you are.  Now, as you get older, you will make yourself into the person you want to be.  The seeds of insecurity were sown many years ago, and now, like me and others here, you seem to be figuring out that certain feelings about yourself and feelings about your father no longer have their place.

I'm so happy for you.  It is impossible to love a tyrant. One can't excuse deameaning words and attitudes that come from people who are supposed to love us the most.  That would be accepting the unacceptable.  And so what do we do..as ACONS and victims of other dysfunctions?  We go through life catastrophizing..expecting danger around every corner..waiting for rejection and abandonment to show their ugly heads at us once more.  Sometimes we are so habituated to this sordid criticism that it becomes second nature..to the point that it almost soothes us because it restores our misguided sense of normalcy.  

As you so aptly put it, it is paralysing.  We struggle so much to be perfect, to please the almighty N parent out of a created need to be accepted and just simply loved!  How sad for us all..

We have to become aware, like you have, that this is wrong.  That paralysing feeling that stops us dead in our tracks..how familiar that feeling is to me..is so out of balance and wicked.  When we should be having fun..we're sad...when we should pat ourselves on the back..we criticize our achievements because we were trained to doubt ourselves and give our credit to others out of a twisted sense of loyatlty to our oppressive N parents.

It's vital to correct that.  Awareness first..then identification of the yucky duo, guilt and shame..prime indicators we've been done wrong and are doing wrong to ourselves.

Responsibility and accountability for our emotions and states of mind come further down the line...after the duo has been dealt with.

And then a period of sadness and grieving for what we've had to fix.  A period of unknown duration in which we reality test most everything we do to ourselves, others.  It's no longer a " if it feels good do it!" scenario, it becomes a do it so you feel good lifestyle.

The hurt inflicted to your core from your dad is inexcusable.  It is not impossible to forgive and mend however..and you'll do it YOUR way, at your own pace..until it seems just right to you.

You'll find plenty of positive attention here..seek what is good for you, too many of us ACONS go back or linger in the no man's land..I feel you're ready to discover the real you.  Sounds like you have a terrific husband.

As i've stated before, you must never consider your own happiness and joy a privilege.  You're entitled to every little moment of bliss and joy you can get your hands on!

Welcome,
love Nic