Hi... it's sjkravill... I have posted a couple of times, but because I am not message board savvy, am never sure if my screename will appear. I appologize if this is not well organized. My thoughts are scattered, but maybe this will help.
(some more background can be found in other posts. We have tried counseling, unsuccessfully. He also has a "soft" addiction. I have tried to explain my feelings to him so many times, unsuccessfully. I have been reading about N...)
I am utterly confused because my H/N treats me with this mixture of seductive charm and subtle contempt. It is SO very difficult for me to articulate and interpret. His words and behavior often contradict... A couple of weeks ago he was threatening to leave me for the second time. THe next day he was treating me like a queen. I don't get it! He has a lot of N qualities only to a mild or moderate degree (not extreme). For the last year and 8 months (our entire marriage) I have been holding on to hope that there can be change. I have been thinking of his positive side, the fact that we can have fun together, that we do love each other... I am hoping we discover the truth in "nothing worth having comes easily..."
I feel as though I am pushing against him with all of my inner strength, in setting bounbdries so as to not reinforce his disrespectful behavior and to reward his kind behavior with praise. Alas, I am completely exhausted!
I have seen some small changes.... the last couple of times I have driven he has been less criticle of my driving. He genuinely blieves he has good intentions, and sometimes he doesn't even notice the contempt (when I point it out nicely he gets very defensive) The criticism, the twisting of my words so that he is more right, the mean jokes, and the pure self-centeredness. Of course, sometimes he enjoys giving me a good "mind fuck" in his words. And sometimes when he is sweet, I think he really loves me and is sorry for hurting me. Sometimes I think he just wants me to give him praise, or he wants to feel good about himself. I think his motivations are mixed.
Anyway... there might be change, but I am very tierd. I don't know how long one must be willing to endure pain for the sake (or hope) of change. Strangely, this marriage is much less destructive to me now that I am setting strict boundries with him, and I think he might be learning from them. Nonetheless, I am increasingly less willing to wait it out. It is still destructive in that I am pouring all of my energy into setting boundries, and I have no energy left to live fully or really give anything else a good effort.
Even when he is being sweet and promising to change, I have noticed that most of my dreams lately share the theme of me trying to escape a dangerous situation/person. That is, when I do sleep. We are thinking of buying our first house together in the next month or so. When he mentions it, I feel myself cringing inside. The thought of the future with him makes me exhausted... part of me wants to run the other way.
He might be making small changes, but now that it might be happening, I am starting to feel impatient. Some of the time all I want is out. Other times, I can't imagine ending it. No one feeling is settling in my soul. I don't know if my feelings and dreams are telling me about how I feel right now. Or if they are left over reactions to his more obvious disrespect. I am afraid he is just getting more subtle.. and it is harder for me to detect and articulate. Am I getting paranoid? Clearly, thinking about this is consuming too much of my time and energy. I just want some clarity.
Anyway, I have decided that I need an end date. A date on the calander, on which if I am not consistantly feeling extremely hopeful about our relationship, I will request some serious time apart.... Simply because I am warn out! I am so tierd of the back and fourth... (with his behavior) and with my interpretation. Does this sound rational? I don't know when it will be.
I am sorry this is so long and muddled. Thanks for your support.
