Hi Charlotte,
What a beautiful name you have!
Yes well, their is no need to feel guilty..sounds to me like you've come to a point in your life when you're ready to give yourself your own congrats and kuddos.
Like it or not, your parents made you the way you are. Now, as you get older, you will make yourself into the person you want to be. The seeds of insecurity were sown many years ago, and now, like me and others here, you seem to be figuring out that certain feelings about yourself and feelings about your father no longer have their place.
I'm so happy for you. It is impossible to love a tyrant. One can't excuse deameaning words and attitudes that come from people who are supposed to love us the most. That would be accepting the unacceptable. And so what do we do..as ACONS and victims of other dysfunctions? We go through life catastrophizing..expecting danger around every corner..waiting for rejection and abandonment to show their ugly heads at us once more. Sometimes we are so habituated to this sordid criticism that it becomes second nature..to the point that it almost soothes us because it restores our misguided sense of normalcy.
As you so aptly put it, it is paralysing. We struggle so much to be perfect, to please the almighty N parent out of a created need to be accepted and just simply loved! How sad for us all..
We have to become aware, like you have, that this is wrong. That paralysing feeling that stops us dead in our tracks..how familiar that feeling is to me..is so out of balance and wicked. When we should be having fun..we're sad...when we should pat ourselves on the back..we criticize our achievements because we were trained to doubt ourselves and give our credit to others out of a twisted sense of loyatlty to our oppressive N parents.
It's vital to correct that. Awareness first..then identification of the yucky duo, guilt and shame..prime indicators we've been done wrong and are doing wrong to ourselves.
Responsibility and accountability for our emotions and states of mind come further down the line...after the duo has been dealt with.
And then a period of sadness and grieving for what we've had to fix. A period of unknown duration in which we reality test most everything we do to ourselves, others. It's no longer a " if it feels good do it!" scenario, it becomes a do it so you feel good lifestyle.
The hurt inflicted to your core from your dad is inexcusable. It is not impossible to forgive and mend however..and you'll do it YOUR way, at your own pace..until it seems just right to you.
You'll find plenty of positive attention here..seek what is good for you, too many of us ACONS go back or linger in the no man's land..I feel you're ready to discover the real you. Sounds like you have a terrific husband.
As i've stated before, you must never consider your own happiness and joy a privilege. You're entitled to every little moment of bliss and joy you can get your hands on!
Welcome,
love Nic
