H had included page after page of transcriptions of phone conversations he had recorded--conversations with me and the boys. I suspected he was doing it but it still felt like a punch in the gut. More for the boys' sake. How in the world can a father justify taping his sons and then spending hours transcribing them.
He outlined what he was "offering" in the way of settlement. Basically poverty. Really-- that's not an exagerration. He specifically said that I was not to use any community funds for job training. My lawyer just snorted. It's all preposterous, but I am still bowled over that he would even say such a thing. Why, after all this time, am I still shocked? You are shocked that any human could do this to their own children, to a person they claimed to love all these years. You are shocked that someone who espoused christian principles could have no sense of what love even means. You are shocked because his chldren have done nothing to him and even if they had he is their FATHER. And yet this recording betrays the very nature of what a human could be expected to do to their own offspring. He cares so little about them that he could try to prevent you from getting training to go to work and provide for yourself and your children. How vicious!! How inhuman!! Of course you are shocked!
It is striking at the core of who I am --or maybe at the core of my healing. But I am really stuck. I feel as though I can see light in the distance, but I can't get to it. Stay focused on being able to SEE the light. Please rely on FAITH that you will be able to get to it. If you were lieing in the street, hemoraging it would not be reasonable for you to be trying to figure out how you would get dinner on the table that night. The medical staff would see how you would get through the trauma and into the healing process. Your job would be to concentrate on staying alive long enough to get to the healing stage. That is what you need to be doing. You are not yet in the place where you can worry about HOW to get to the light. You are still in that stage of keeping alive, getting to the healing stage.
You all have a little of my background if you have read my other posts. We raised the kids in a very conservative environment--the boys were to be under their dad's tutelage to get ready for life (their dad basically ignored them). I was able to give them a good education and as much social opportunities as could be found in a small rural area. But everything else has been delayed--driver's license, first job, etc. And since the separation, I feel like I am trying to play catch up in all areas at once. You are playing catch up. That would be difficult if everything in life were going well. Playing catch up alone is enough to get you down but that is such a very small portion of what you are struggling against. No wonder you can barely hold on. You will survive but you are under a tremendous burden. That is why you are in so much pain. Anyone would be!!!
H basically abandoned us when he got us out here to the farm. Once he left, we were truly abandoned.
CB - your children have been abandoned and YOU have been abandoned. You were all abandoned before he left but now your resources have been cutoff at the knees. You have been thrown to the wolves. You have been thrown into an ocean without any swim lessons - you have to figure out how to keep afloat and how to keep your children afloat all by instinct. If you give up you will sink. NO ONE should be thrown into a life threatening situation with no help. You have been. No wonder you feel like you are dieing. You have to hold on - too much has been put on your shoulders. But listen - as hard as it is and as frightening as it is and as challenging as it is you are going to survive. Being strong enough to survive is not all that it is cracked up to be. Who wants to be strong enough to survive what you are suffering? Noone!
I feel as though I have honestly stepped up to the plate, but every time I get one ball into the air another whizzes in and smacks me in the head. You have stepped up to the plate and you are getting smacked in the head.
And the guilt over having allowed us all to get here is becoming debilitating. This is where you can find help.
Everyone is depressed, everyone feels abandoned by their dad, everyone is keeping their hurts inside to avoid putting any more on me. Here is another place some help can be found right away. This is where sharing can really make a difference. Think about an elephants foot. It is so very broad so that its huge weight is distributed in a wide space. If its foot were smaller the elephants weight would crush its own foot. You and your children need to share your struggles and come together to make a bigger footing. If you each try to hold your own sufferings to yourselves it will be too much. Though it goes against your instinct, it is time to give your children a little more responsibility towards keeping your family afloat. Giving them each more responsibility will actually help them rather than hurt them - like a baby bird needs to peck its own way out of the egg, your children need to help in keeping the family afloat. Sharing the burden will help you all.
I am driving someone somewhere every day (and yes, one of the major activities I'm driving to is driver's ed), but it never feels like enough. It won't feel like enough until the hemoraging has stopped. When you are feeling overwhelmed you must tell yourself and trust that it will get better before you give out. This is a true act of faith but strangely by taking this thought in faith you will begin to close that hemorage.
And there doesnt seem to be anything I can stop doing without doing more damage--the most dangerous thing that I can do right now is stop going. Your instinct here is right. Keeping going is hard but believe it or not it is keeping you alive. If you stop you could drown in sorrow. Keeping going though it feels like it is killing you, it is actually keeping you alive.
The isolation is toxic and fighting it seems to be the top priority.This is the most difficult thing you will probably face in life. It is so difficult but you are doing it. That is more than you can know.
I feel responsible and guilty and ashamed. It doesnt help to tell myself that it isnt my fault and H is a creep. It isnt and he is. But the feelings of guilt are coming from somewhere within me and I just need someone here to talk me through the process of getting to where it's located. I know I can do it--I just need a push. Yes you can!!! You can't see it but you ARE doing it. You have identified in this post exactly where you can focus on change. it is here in this sentence, "I feel responsible and guilty and ashamed." This is what needs to change. I will give you some suggestions about how and about why changing this can give you a real, substantial boost. Look at this next paragraph that you wrote earlier in this post.
I have so much guilt about my kids and the pain they are feeling because of my bad choices. I don't really go back and dwell on what is behind, but I feel as though I am moving faster and faster trying to escape it. I am emotionally exhausted. I feel so guilty for agreeing to move to the farm and isolating them so. For the last five years of just giving up and giving in. I am bowed under the knowledge that when they look back on these years, they will not have good memories. Why am I stuck here? You are stuck here because you feel guilty. Guilt is a destructive feeling. It paralyzes and gets you stuck. I know from my own life. My NPD father thrived on projecting shame and guilt. It has kept me stuck for almost 50 years. Just this fall I finally understood and began to find a way out. I suspect that your husband has been very good across the years at getting you to feel responsible for HIS bad actions. You are including in your "bad actions" moving to the isolated house but of course you did that. That was a reasonable action as your role as a wife and mother. You are feeling guilty about choices that your husband made and that you agreed to. You agreed to them in good faith!! You were following what you believed to be the important role of wife and mother. You made a sacrifice to make those decisions. You didn't make those decisions selfishly, thinking only of yourself and devil may care what the family needed. You made those decisions out of what you thought was best for your family. You see in hindsight that is was not a great decision but if you had seen the future you might have left your husband rather than move to the country. But how would you have supported them or raised them. The first step in cauterizing the bleeding is to forgive yourself and to recognize that you truly did make those decisions out of the right motive and that even if you hadn't, even if you could go back and make different decisions your motive was right just as your motive is right today. Please, forgive yourself and let go of the guilt. There is nothing good that can come from it. when you feel it tell yourself, "I forgive myself because I must. Everyone makes mistakes. I thought I was doing right but I was wrong. I forgive myself so that I can move on - for my children's sake, I forgive myself." You will be able to move towards healing by forgiving yourself. Imagine if you will that one of your daughters was in a similar place - what would you tell her? What would you do to get her past where you are? You gave up and gave in because no other choice semed feasible. You did the best you could at that time. When you recognize that, you will be able to move on. You would have made a different choice if you could have.
I really want to hold you up while you struggle. I see your strength and I see your way out. I know that you cannot but I am holding that vision for you until your eyes adjust and can catch this vision. You are strong but I know your strength is waning. But you have seen that your friends here will help you forward. You have seen that you can lean on people here while you rest and your strength is restored. You have giving me strength and I hope to return it to you 4 fold. - your friend - gaining strength
