Hi Everyone,
I know I should post this on the other board called "What Helps", but I believe more people read this board, so I'm posting this here. Sorry for breaking the rules.
I want to recommend the book called "Lies at the Altar" by Dr. Robin Smith.
Robin Smith is a psychologist and I first saw her on Oprah. I believe some think that Oprah is an N (and that may be true), but, I feel Oprah does a lot of good work.
Anyway, I saw Smith discuss the ideas contained in her book, "Lies at the Altar" with couples who were planning to marry and I felt that many of the ideas dealt with people who were voiceless and raised by Ns. So, even though I'm not in the process of getting married, I bought the book. Actually, I bought the audio book on CD, which I really like because I feel like Dr. Smith is speaking directly to me and her voice is soothing.
Here's why I like the book: As a 'survivor' in 'recovery' from being raised by Ns and having relationships with Ns, this book validates my feelings and experiences. In general, she has encouraged me to speak my truth in relationships and to ask for what I want because not doing so leads to living an unhappy half life.
Since I'm listening to an audio book, I can't provide direct quotes, but here's some examples:
She talks about people who are afraid to assert their needs in a relationship and connects this to being raised in a family where (as was my situation), I was afraid and ashamed to ask for what I needed. Until recently, I did not consciously realize that I even had "needs".
She talks about a little girl whose grandfather said something mean to her. When the little girl complained to her mother about the mean thing the grandfather said, the mother told the girl, in front of the grandfather, that the mean thing the grandfather said was WRONG and that the grandfather will never say mean things to the girl again.
Dr. Smith's comments on this scenario were that the mother taught the girl a great lesson: The mother taught the girl to IDENTIFY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR and to never accept abuse no matter the source (even if the source is someone who "loves" you).
For me, this scenario was very validating because it is only recently that I have been able to identify abusive behavior. I've spent most of my life feeling hurt by abusive behavior because I was taught to make excuses for it (ie: he/she was in a bad mood and didn't really mean it). This type of thinking has left me very confused, has left me open to abusive people (not realizing I was being abused) and left me fearful of relationships (any kind of relationships: romance, friendship and professional).
Dr. Smith says that staying in an abusive marriage is a prison sentence and that the sentence is either life without parole or the death sentence. Then she discusses why someone stays in an abusive marriage.
Anyway, "Lies at the Altar" has been very helpful to me. I feel validated, feel like my eyes have been opened and I feel stronger and less afraid of relationships and dealing with people.
dazed
