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What do I do?

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skidz:
Hi,
obviously I am new here. I am dealing with the new knowledge that my mother is a N. I have actually known for years but lived in denial up until yesterday. My mother who is 65 had a stroke Jan 1. I have three other siblings but they have ran the other way.... I have been taking care of her since the stroke. Every other week she is at my house for three or more days. She lives a great distance from me and refuses to stay with me. Which is probably best for my son. This last visit was horrible. My son came to me and told me that he cant take the way she talks to him anymore and wanted to go to his friends house. I encouraged him to go and the truth is I wanted him to stay so bad so I could have someone in the house to laugh with. He usually stays in his room when she is here and I always end up in his room playing video games with him or I go to my room to sleep. I had a miscarriage two days before my mother had her stroke. I almost bled to death from severe hemmoraging. I stayed with my mother the week she was in the hospital being the hospital was an hour away from where I lived. Not that it mattered at the time because she was so ill and couldnt help herself. The NICU nurses let me stay the entire time because she was so much of a handful and needed constant attention I helped with everything that I was able to do without interfering with the nurses. She stayed with me for two weeks after she was released from the hospital. Each and every day she gained strength and her sight in her left eye. She began preparing meals to prove that she could live independantly. I gave in and took her home the day she verbally attacked my son because he and his best friend were laughing at each other while they were fake burping. I was laughing with them and got in trouble myself for encouraging such rude behaviour. I did tell her that he is raised so more differently than I was and doesnt understand why you yell at him for having fun. (He does mind his manners out in public....) This last visit was once again full of verbal attacks I finally tried to talk to her. Big mistake because she blew up and said some bad words at me and stomped. I took her home the following day of the blow up. On her insistance. It was snowing horribly and she lives 2 1/2 hours from me in the mountains. She showed no concern for this drive.... I drove her home stopped to get her groceries and proceeded up a very snowy mountain.  I just found out last monday that we are pregnant again. Yeahhhhhh... but she showed no concern for the fact that I am a high risk pregnancy and insisted I drive her home in the snow. My daughter also died at her home in 1995 from a dog bite, My mothers dog...I hate going to her house and have expressed this many times over. The only answer I get is she has dealt with it and doesnt understand why I havent.... I held her up when my daughter died. I held her up when I was growing up. My siblings left the house by the time I was 10. If she wasnt sleeping she wasnt home. I raised myself on the streets but I am a survivor of this all or so I thought until yesterday. I dropped her stuff off and told her I was going home. She didnt say thank you or have a safe trip. She didnt say I love you and call me when you arrive home. I sat in my car dumbfounded and then got so angry. For the first time in my life I got angry with her. It felt good but also a huge betrayel. On the way home I was going over some of what little converstation there was because she was pouting about my telling her to leave my son alone. I discovered that three different times she inadvertantly threatened suicide. This is a pattern of hers and I have always held the end of responsiblity. I am my mothers therapist, Yesterday I found that I no longer want to be in the role she placed me in as a child. So many things have and still are going through my head. Fear is the biggest because there is going to be ramifications if I dont contact her or try to run suicide prevention. In mid Jan. I had a breakdown. I hit "The Wall". I couldnt process thoughts and barely knew who I was. I did what I could to hide it from my son, he is the reason I had to fight to emerge back into life. The only concern I have right now is for my unborn child and my son. I dont think I have the strength to take care of my mother anymore. I dont have the courage to say so to her either. What do I do? Do I let her go off and make herself so ill again that she winds back up in the hospital. Do I ignore her and fear that she will attempt suicide and succeed? I woke up at three this am finding all these questions running through my head. I feel like a horrible monster that is leaving her elderly sick mother to defend herself. I then find myself so angry with her and myself for letting it get this far. Then I go to thoughts of suicide. This is just the tip as most of you probably already know that... I am so confused and at a crossroads. Thank you for reading and letting me vent.
Skiddlez

Anonymous:
Hi skiddlez and welcome welcome welcome.

I don't know what to say after reading your story. So many here are better equipped than me. But first, you must take care of yourself and your son and your yet to be born child first and foremost. This mother of yours (I'm tempted to call her an old crow) will survive. She has this far. And from what you've been through, she's survived at your expense. Have you had counselling? You need somebody there on hand to help you work throught his. Here is good too. When you are pregnant(especially) the best thing you can do is avoid situations and people who cause you anxiety. It just increases risks, as you would know. Now is not the time to worry about her. Yes she's had a stroke but by the sound of it she' recovering enough to give everybody a hard time. The local maternity doctor or hospital you would be visiting would have a counsellor available for their patients. Most do nowdays. I'd speak to them about the enormous stress you are under. Also, I'd keep your child as far away from this person till you've worked out which way is up.

Keep in touch, and keep talking

Guest

Anonymous:
Just bringing this to the topic.

Anonymous:
Hi skidz, I came back to your post because I have been thinking about you and wanted to bring it back to the top also. I got so angry re-reading your post. Your son is right in how he feels. Listen to him. He doesn't like her being around for good reason. He can't take the way she talks to him. He's a smart boy. I'd say he hates the way she treats you to. You are not your mother's mother. Your responsibility is to your own children. She has got your head all confused with her making you, and you trying to her 'parent and protector.' You aren't. You are her child. If she can't fit that role of mother/guardian/caretaker/friend she has no right to try to create another role for herself, like behaving like your child and expecting you to care for her like one. I don't know how serious her suicide threats are, but if they constantly have you running after her, looking after her and excusing her crap, then I'd say they are a 'tool' and 'weapon' in her arsenal. Your siblings were right in cutting her out. She has lost any 'rights' to the 'priviledges of the aged parent' if she neglected her children so woefully. This priviledge to be cared for by our children in our old age is earned by good and healthy our parenting of our children. And by our obvious best endeavours. I think any parent who has consistently or inconsistently abused their children loses those rights and many others. Like they also lose the right to have anything to do with their grandchildren if they are emotionally destructive with them and cause chaos in their homes. In some situations they have to be 'blacklisted.' Your mother sounds like one of these cases to me. Only you can make these types of decisions of course. And it takes time and revelation and eventually guts. Have you ever read about the 'Stockholm Syndrome.' Plug it into a net search, it's very interesting reading. I eventually cut my parent out, but I was in my 40's. It wasn't easy but I felt my responsibility to my children was the only priority in the end. And I'm glad I did and so are my children. I nearly miscarried due to 'constant put-downs, lies, crap hysteria and nonsense stress' my parent went on with, and it was then I realised that my parent didn't love me, but was addicted to controlling me and demeaning me and enjoyed watching me squirm. When I saw my parent was also doing it to my children I used to try to deal with it by keeping contact to minimum, but it just got worse. So bad that one child would go under the bed whenever the granparent was around. Skidz, your story is a horror story, where your mother plays centre stage. I encourage you to share here and read many stories here. It is a learning experience that will help you. Once again I urge you to seek out counselling for yourself and maybe even your son. It is available through community centres and reputable churches. The other forum here has excellent reading recommendations and web links. You have experienced so much pain and grief and with this new life (baby) coming into your family it's time for a new beginning for you and your family. I wish you well in your journey.

Guest

rosencrantz:
Hi skidz and welcome.

A boy is a boy is a boy.  Fake burps and rude words are what boys thrive on!  He's a great son!!  :D

Has your mother ever taken responsiblity for YOU??  I thought not.  So why do you have responsibility for HER???

You're in a transition at the moment - this feels lousy but is A Good Thing!!   :wink:

It is healthy to feel angry!!!  You have good reason to BE angry!!

Your daughter died - dog bite - mom's dog - get over it  - YIKES!  Horror story.  My anger, rage and emotion about that would be too overwhelming to get anywhere near in twenty decades!!!

Pregnancy is a great excuse to put yourself first.  You just had a miscarriage - tell her the doctor told you not to move out of the house!!!  You can't even move out of the armchair to answer the phone.  Doesn't matter what you say, just get her off your back so you and your baby can commune good things to each other.

As far as your mother is concerned - yeuch!  

50 million times, you are not a monster and you are not responsible for somebody else's suicide attempts.  

It seems to me that if it's possible to be  responsible for somebody else's suicide, you'd have to have spent many hours mentally and emotionally actively torturing, toying with and tormenting an imprisoned victim.

Nobody is responsible for the way other people decide to 'act out' their petty ways.  If you feel responsible, it's probably the result of guilt induced by her manipulative ways.  I'm sure you'll spot them much better from now on!!!  :D
R

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