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What do I do?

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Anonymous:
Wildflower and Seeker,
Thank you for the support and understanding. Those who havent experienced this, just dont understand. My closest friend especially. She doesnt think that I should walk away from this. She says that I should enjoy the time I have left with my mom. Mom is well behaved and funny around her.

I dont think that my mom seperated me from my father to begin with. She was never really around until I was 9. She worked sixteen hours a day and then slept the other time or she was off doing her own thing. My father's actions seperated us. He was not a concerned or loving father ever. He was a very demanding, demeaning, horrible monster. Oh the stories I have..... That is neither here nor there. Taking care of mom started after she left my father...  

Now for the big one. Here goes......
My oldest is now seventeen years old. I got pg with her when I was 19. Her father and I married as a result.... Her father joined a cult during my pregnancy and became verbally abusive because I refused to join. I left him when she was six months old. There is one big novel there.... Her father disappeared after she was two and re-entered her life after my second daughter passed on. There was one big custody battle after another and each time he used the death of my daughter as a weapon....Fianlly at the age of 14 he gained custody of my daughter... Another novel there... Lets just say it is a severe case of PAS and Stockholm Syndrome.... I had to sell everything I owned for legal fees alone. I worked three jobs as well. Eventually I figured out that I could no longer fight this because of the pain it was causing my daughter. In the meantime the relationship between my mother and my daughter was emerging. My friends were telling me that my daughter always spoke so highly of me. I couldnt figure this out for the longest time. My intentions were never to be placed where I didnt want to be. Long story short.
I admire my daughter for having the courage to come out and say that I was destroying her piece by piece due to the fighting with her father. My mother was at the bottom telling my daughter how mucc of a monster her father was. I too was just as guilty.. She would come home with questions about the stories her father told her about our divorce and what took place afterwords. My poor daughter was the go between and in order for this to stop she made the choice to live with her father. Instead of LISTENING to my daughter I fought it all the way. Her father's picture is next to the NPD description in the dictionary... I had no idea that poor baby was fighting four monsters. Her grandmother, her father, her stepmother and I. She did what was best for her. I havent seen my daughter for close to two years now. The last time I spoke to her she was distant and then sent me a nasty e-mail. Later she told my sister, that her stepmother helped her with the e-mail.
 I have backed out of this for her sake. She gets the short end of the stick in all of this. Deep down I know she has no other choice but to show that she hates me for her survival. I know that I am just as responsible for this.
My husband has stood by me this whole entire time. There were three different occasions that he overheard what my ex husband said to me when he thought we were alone. My husband thought I was making most of it up because, no one is capable of what I said he had done over the years. My husband  was simply white after the first time he heard what the ex said he would do to me.....
As long as he thinks he has the upper hand in this, my daughter is safe from physical harm. There is alot of emotional harm. She is part of his cult now. She was an honor student and in so many extracarricular activities while with me. She has now quit school and doesnt leave the home without her family. Several people that have been witness to her growing up have called the department of social services where they reside but nothing is ever done. The ex has many contacts, I am not going any further with that. I hold the hope of one day she will return. I know this is a novel, but it really is in short form.
The point to this is the last time my mother was here she told me how angry she was with my daughter and how dare she do what she did to HER. I simply said she did nothing to you mother, she did what she did for her survival. That brought on fireworks.
Looking back I realize my mother fed my daughter so much. My daughter placed me where she did to protect me because my mother was feeding her horrible abuse stories about her father. I did not want my daughter to ever know the details of my life with her father. Her father and stepmother were feeding her details of our life together. No wonder she was so confused and hurt. Instead of putting a stop to it I only added fuel to the fire by feeding her father what he wanted most. Add to that the death of her sister which she blamed herself for. Her father added more guilt for her as well. So you see my life has been full of N's. Most times I take the burden on as being the N in all of this. It took many counciling sessions to overcome that belief. Sometimes it creeps back in and I become my own worst inner critic.
My mother was there through the fight of the seperation, divorce and the custody battles. She stood by me and never once waivered in her support. Little did I know she was whispering in my daughters ear the whole time that she she should worship her and I.
If only I could turn back time.......My daughters only worry right now she should be what she wants in life.
Not what is in the best interest of her father.
I am sorry about the novel. I had to unload that today.
I blame myself for what happened to my daughter. There is no one else to blame in this. She did what she had to do to surivive. She chose to protect me against her father. I told her many times that it was up to me to be the adult in this not her. Little did I know what my mom was doing. I had I known she never would have been a part of any of this.
I guess the only thing I can offer to anyone is keep your children safe from the harm an NPD can do. If anyone is going through a divorce with an N do what you can to keep your children safe. Dont give the N what they want, simply walk away without saying a thing to them or your children.
 Kids are the smartest people I know and they will figure it out for themselves eventually. Telling them about occurances in your marriage will only cause them further harm. The N can make you look like a horrible person in your childs eyes. It can and all probability turn your children against you.
Keep them safe and keep your home a safe enviorment for them. Let them vent their anger but dont fuel the anger by telling them what their parent did to you. No matter how hard it is for you STOP..... Believe me it works. My son was born to my second husband and I. His father and I divorced when he was five. His father hardly ever comes around to see him. His dad has many issues with the death of our daughter and has yet to start his grieving process. I am very angry with his father for neglecting the relationship with my son, but I say nothing to my son. When my son asks me why, I only tell him that your father loves you. That he is in no way shape or form responsible for the choices his father makes.
The best day my son and I had was when his father was coming around because had a new girlfriend. My son asked me if he could call her mom. I said of course do what ever makes you feel comfortable. He asked me if that made me mad. I said of course not, I know who I am. My son smiled and hugged me. That was all there was to that. I saw the security in my son with that simple statement.
My daughter is the one to be commended in this. She brought this all to the top.  Had she not, I probably would have screwed up my sons life as well. I was following my mothers footsteps, was that the biggest wake up call for me.  
Thanks again for listening.
Skiddlez

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