Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What do I do?
skidz:
I hear the guilt in your words, I too felt the pain of guilt. I felt guilty for not liking my mother, for knowing she was treating me wrong and I was in a kind of frozen position. I felt/feel anger at her for the pain she caused me, the pain of her rejection -- realization of the lies she told sent ripples of shame and embarassment through me. Depression comes from overly sensitive minds, or it may be that overly sensitive minds come from depression, but it sounds like these are your struggles. Love yourself and your children.
My sister once told me that mom was the Queen of guilt. At that time I wasnt sure what she meant. I then really began to "listen" to her. Holy moly....She is the best at it. She never comes out and says it. She is like one of my labs she just sits there and stares like I am supposed to read her mind. I became rebellious and stopped.
skidz:
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---Hi skidz,
And of course, the threat of suicide puts you under immediate pressure to resolve all your feelings at once. Ugh.
Actually right now I jump everytime the phone rings. I am terrified the neighbor has found her in the garage with the hose attatched to the car.
One very concrete thing that has helped me hold on to my resolve with my father is the memory of something really hurtful he said to me. We were fighting one night a couple of years ago and all of a sudden he just came out and said, "You know, you were a loveless child from the very beginning." I caught my breath and slammed down the phone (something I'd never done before). I realized in that instant that it was never, ever me he was attacking. He didn't know me. And WHO SAYS THAT TO THEIR OWN CHILD???
Right there, that statement runs through my head all the time. Hooraaaay for you, that you slammed the phone on him. That must have ticked him off.
In fact, who does what narcissists do to their children?? It's outrageous.
So now when I start to see him as a sympathetic character who deserves more respect and caring than I give him, I remember that one sentence, and my blood runs cold - and I remember who he is, and who I am to him.
Maybe I was lucky to have one crysallizing experience, but I bet not. Maybe you could find your own similar experience - and hold on to it! For the sake of your pregnancy, your family, your health. She does not care about you. If she did, she would be worried as ** about your child.
You know you are so absolutely right about that. When she is here, every morning she trys to be "nice". Within seconds I know she can turn on a dime. She attacked me verbally and physically on the toilet one morning because I made the mistake of saying good morning to her. I was 12. That is the one thing that runs over and over. Especially when she asks if I can even manage a smile in the morning. I just want to scream at her about that incident and the impact it has made on me in the morning while she is around. Every single time she starts to sit down she says "oh me" I think to myself yep its always you isnt it....... I see a pattern here.....
S
(Whew, got myself worked up there)
--- End quote ---
skidz:
Thank you for the support. It is so sad to see so many people impacted by N's.
It was so easy to walk away from my father. Even as a child I had alot of anger towards him. At the age of ten I resolved to just stay away from him.
Mom is a different story and I suspect my father was the way he was because of her. It doesnt excuse it but it brings some light on to the subject.
When I was seven years old my mother almost died from cancer. She was in the hospital for over four months. I was so sad and scared. No one ever told me what was truly going on.
She told me once that when she was pregnant with me my father wanted her to end the pregnancy. She said that it was turmoil with him. She said she contemplated suicide at that point too. But then she kept thinking about me.
These two incidents she has said that it is me that kept her alive. Hmmmmm any suggestions?
I am truly so angry with her and the stuff she shoved down my throat as a child and adult. Believe me, I go over and over this in my head while she is around. She cant understand why I am so quiet during these times. She has no clue that I just want to unload every single account I have.
The day my daughter died I wanted to place her body in my mothers arms and say look what your selfishness did. I asked you to put your stupid dog in the garage yet you ignored my request and kept on being the center of attention. You know during those moments she just kept talking about her pain and how it is affecting her. Oh my God that was my child and she only thought about herself....
You see everyone involved in the case was so great and let me hold my darling until 11:30 that night.
They pronounced her at 6:00 P.M. My best friends mother is the one that stood by me and comforted me. She cried with me and held me. When I had to hand my darling to the coroner she never let go of me she let me crumble in her arms and mom was out wandering around. Ok I am choking now.
Thanks again for the support. I cant believe the understanding and compassion here.
Skiddlez
Wildflower:
Hi Skiddlez,
I just want you to know that you've been in my thoughts all morning. I was choking, too, reading about the death of your daughter. That must have been so, so awful. :cry: I can hardly imagine.
I want to suggest something regarding your mom that may be out in left field, and I won’t take offense if you or anyone else on this board thinks what I’m about to say is totally out of line (and don't hesitate to let me know if I am), but here goes.
As a general rule, I don’t think it’s a good idea to pigeon-hole people and therefore be blind to what makes them unique. When it comes to Ns, though, I think that sometimes it’s necessary to view them first and foremost as Ns – because so much of what they do is crazy and disorienting. Impossible to make sense of. Impossible to believe.
So if you look at your mom not as a normal mother but as an Nmom, think about why an N might say that your father was the one who wanted to get rid of you, but she was the one who wanted to save you – and in fact, you’re the only reason she’s alive. Two things here. 1) Is it possible that this was a move to divide you and your father, as Ns often do to divide siblings? 2) Isn’t that an awfully heavy burden to carry around – that you’re the only reason she’s stayed alive this long?
Take care of yourself, Skiddlez. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
seeker:
Hi Skiddlez,
I join Wildflower in offering you love and hugs. And concern.
You are carrying an awfully heavy burden. Truly. The separation from your dad, the weird brainwashing of your mother, and the loss of your daughter. And no protection for the young girl you were. The loss of your daughter seems like a very tragic extension of the treatment you yourself received.
I'm sorry. I feel very strange and remote writing to you about your enormous pain. I wish we here could work some magic to let you know that it is so important to take care of you, your life. Your mother has brainwashed you into feeling responsible for her life vs. the other way around! You do not have to take care of anyone at your own expense!
You have already experienced one of the worst tragedies a person can have in life. The loss of a child.
But I also know that you are the one on the "front lines". She does seem like a truly dangerous person. Far be it for me to advise you here except to say that it seems like you and your family need protection from the viciousness and support to work through the overwhelming issues you face. I hope some local authorities can help you, if you want this.
More hugs, Seeker
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