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What do I do?

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Discounted Girl:
Skidz, your postings have had a deep impact on me. You know what? I want to tell you first of all how sweet you sound and what a kind heart you have. I would never think you have to worrry about the moral outcome of any child you raise. Your mother sounds like one of those monsters that come from a dark hole that sensitive people cannot fathom. I don't think it's a genetic thing, it's a nasty, mean and wicked spirit that lives in them. There is nothing you can do, never could and nothing I can do to save them.

I hear the guilt in your words, I too felt the pain of guilt. I felt guilty for not liking my mother, for knowing she was treating me wrong and I was in a kind of frozen position. I felt/feel anger at her for the pain she caused me, the pain of her rejection -- realization of the lies she told sent ripples of shame and embarassment through me. Depression comes from overly sensitive minds, or it may be that overly sensitive minds come from depression, but it sounds like these are your struggles. Love yourself and your children, have a connection with your mother if you want to, but realize she will never change and it has nothing to do with strokes, age, station in life, etc. Your instincts tell you it is dangerous to be around her. Your health is suffering very obviously. You feel guilty because she is at a helpless stage in her life and you feel it is your moral responsibility to provide for her care. So be it, but don't invest too much of yourself into it -- save that for your children and a loving spousal relationship, and most of all, save it for yourself. Be gentle, kind and loving to yourself. You are special, you are worthy, you didn't do anything wrong.

Wildflower:
Hi skidz,

Your mother really does sound like a hands-down, no-questions NPD.  I think all the other posters are dead-on in their support of your finding a way to let her go.  I know that's so, so hard.  It's nearly impossible to see this living human being suffering (most likely self-imposed) and not hope the best for them - for your relationship with them.  And of course, the threat of suicide puts you under immediate pressure to resolve all your feelings at once.  Ugh.

One very concrete thing that has helped me hold on to my resolve with my father is the memory of something really hurtful he said to me.  We were fighting one night a couple of years ago and all of a sudden he just came out and said, "You know, you were a loveless child from the very beginning."  I caught my breath and slammed down the phone (something I'd never done before).  I realized in that instant that it was never, ever me he was attacking.  He didn't know me.  And WHO SAYS THAT TO THEIR OWN CHILD???

In fact, who does what narcissists do to their children??  It's outrageous.

So now when I start to see him as a sympathetic character who deserves more respect and caring than I give him, I remember that one sentence, and my blood runs cold - and I remember who he is, and who I am to him.

Maybe I was lucky to have one crysallizing experience, but I bet not.  Maybe you could find your own similar experience - and hold on to it!  For the sake of your pregnancy, your family, your health.  She does not care about you.  If she did, she would be worried as ** about your child.

(Whew, got myself worked up there)

surf14:

--- Quote ---I just want to (gently) put this on the table: what's the worst thing that could happen? What do you fear? My guess is that perhaps you are concerned that your mother will die on "your watch" and you will feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Is this it?
Hi Skidz;
Your story touched me deeply as well.  I am going back to this quote by Seeker because if you can really tap into the answer to this question it
 may help cinch what it is that keeps you 'hooked' into caretaking your mom despite the destructive treatment.  It also may hold the answer for you as to how to let her go.  I have a feeling this is the crux of it.  Good luck.  surf
--- End quote ---

Anonymous:
"You know, you were a loveless child from the very beginning."


that took my breath away, it is similar to something my mother said about me when I was about eighteen, just before I cut ties with her.
I couldn't believe that she would think a helpless baby ought to give her something.
( I don't think she was a narcissist, just a very harsh and immature person )

Anonymous:
"BUT and thats the big one even my brother is afraid of her. Yep I just answered that she still has that power. "

you are taking that power away from her by withdrawing yourselves. And you need to. The effect of such violence is devastating to the mind and body. Especially being pregnant, after a miscarriage, you don't need that stress.
Let her work out solutions to her own problems and you take extra good care of yourself right now.

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