Back to voicelessness--

[isittoolate]

I wrote this email to my sister who pulled this on me, and I had no voice to speak up--40 years later I have

Has anyhone hear had a time like this whereby you were so 'taken back' at the situation that you had no way to express your thoughts, at the time for whatever reason?? My reason was that I had always put my faith and trust into my 2 older sisters, as I had no thoughts/beliefs of my own. (I have my beliefs now!)Izzy


Hello B____

There was an incident, between Jan. and June of 1967, that has never left my mind. It therefore makes any conversation between us, superficial. I thought of that on New Year's Day, with our pleasant little phone chit-chat, when we haven't emailed for so long, but it is also something that hangs in the back of my mind that you could  be so manipulative. I know you hide behind God and that He has forgiven you, and that you have forgiven yourself, but what about approaching the people you have hurt, and apologizing to them. It is like one of the steps in AA.

You told me fairly recently (years not months) that you went to see Grace Donnelly and had a talk. I expect about your having sex with her husband, and that all is okay, but did you ever think of coming to me and having a talk to settle what has battered my mind for 40 years? Are you visiting poor Alzheimer Helen Davis out of guilt for the times you spent with her husband?

It was when you called me (I didn't have a phone at Codrington St., so where I don't remember) and said that Betty Squibb was away in Toronto, or somewhere, and poor Harry needed a night out. Would I make up the foursome with you and Gord? I said that I was not going to be Harry's date, and I wouldn't go. You finally agreed with me that we four would stick together as a foursome and not 2 twosomes. Are you remembering? .......That we would stick together!....... That you and I were to sit on the same side: that the men would sit opposite us? You failed me! You betrayed me!

Nevertheless, when my sitter came and we were ready to go, you and Harry ran out and got in the back seat of the car together. I am still feeling we are a foursome. But then you were drinking rye straight out of the bottle, as was Harry and there were terrible silences in the back seat. I was frozen with disbelief, as Gord kept driving with a set to his jaw, but never said a thing. I was at odds as to what to do. I had just left Joe and was in no mood for any fooling around, and not with two idiots like Harry and Gord. To me it was just an innocent a night out!

We went on to Orillia to the dance and there was still no foursome. You and Harry were always together....but then I had already heard about your wandering ways to the husbands of your female friends.

We left the dance for Barrie and you and Harry were in the back seat again, and Gord's jaw was still set, and my mind was wondering about what on earth you were up to. Again the weird silences from the back seat and I didn't dare turn around in case I saw Harry's ass. I didn't want to believe I would see Harry's ass. Whenever, you told me to sit closer to Gord as he needed some loving too. I was appalled!  He was your husband!

We reached Barrie and parked in the Dominion Store parking lot for a bit and all was quiet and boring and I said I had to get back and send the sitter home.

After this, you mentioned to me that you were sorry, but you 'accidentally' mentioned to Mom (and Dad?) that Gord and I had something going on, you suspected--along that vein. After that, no matter where I went, Mom and Dad followed me/checked on me. They checked to see when my car was at home and when it wasn't. I was too afraid to go to them and tell them you lied, as I was always the scapegoat.

This is when you needed a reason to divorce Gord without your promiscuous shenanigans ever coming to light.

You owe me an explanation as to why you would do this to me, your own sister, and you owe me an apology, as Mom and Dad both went to their graves believing you, and thinking ill of me!

Me_______

[liberty]

OMG Izzy,

How absoloutely horrible that your sister could do that to you! I'm glad that you finally found the courage to confront her about it through your letter. Good for you. What you must have gone through all those years while your parents blamed you for her divorce.

Well the important thing is that now you hae a voice and you get to use it. Congratulations.

Lib

[isittoolate]

Thank you liberty,

This is an example of what can happen when one does not speak up in defense of onesself.

It's an example of voicelessness, being non-assertive, not following one's beliiefs, perhaps believing that others know best, or what'is acceptable.

This is very true that this has bugged me for 40 years!

Thanx for stopping by
Izzy

[Leah]

Yes, I have experienced that too - the voicelessness

then - later I asked myself why was it that I said nothing!  that I could not speak up.

Stunned Shock I think is the reason.

Many times I would watch a movie or a drama and think to myself 'say something - tell them what really happened'!!  as I watched the person stand transfixed saying nothing.

Then it happened to me and I did the same.

Afterward, you go round trying to explain what happened to anyone who just might listen - fruitless task - more pain and anguish.

Crazymaking in effect.

Leah

[Hopalong]

(((((((((Izzy, Leah))))))))))))))

I am so sorry.
What horrendous betrayals.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

My heavens Izzy, no wonder you checked out of society.  Who wouldn't with family like that!  Which is worse - that your sister would do that or that your parents would?  When you grow up in a family like that you cannot learn how to select the healthy kind of relationships.  We are instead stuck remaking the wretched relationships of our family until we can finally draw into consciousness the craziness that is going on.  But the good news is that we can shine light on the craziness we grew up in and we can begin to change the way we react to things and begin to draw good into our lives. 

I chose for 4 years to withdraw.  Everywhere I went and everything I did resulted in betrayal from old and new.  So I quit and basically hid until I was able to work my way into understanding and beginning a profound healing.  My entire mind was on that and it was slow and is slow but is really working. - GS

[Leah]

GS  you have made my day! thank you thank you thank you 

Validation at last by someone who has been through and done the same as me

my worst nightmare and final cruel betrayal commenced almost 5 years ago and I have during the last couple of years or so withdrawn

choosing to make some sense of my life and the betrayals and cruelties by N's in my family incl. now exh.

I was not and am not depressed

I needed to switch off and be alone.

I needed to act upon the flashbacks and think.

That's it!!  The N's fear you thinking things through and taking stock - they keep you busy for a purpose!  their devisive purpose!

Leah

[Gaining Strength]

GS  you have made my day! thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you leah.  It feels so good to have said something that makes a difference to someone else.
Especially to someone who is coming out of hibernation and doesn't have many friends yet.

I have been realizing that there is a common theme coming up in my posts - the loneliness I feel in real life is being extended to my virtual home.  It helps me remember that I can work on this problem area of feeling rejected.  You note helps me focus on that issue - so a big thanks to you. - GS

[Dazed1]

Wow, Izzy,

What a story!  And you carried that poison in your heart for 40 years!!

Yes, it's no wonder that you lost faith in people.

It was a double betrayal:  your sister and parents.

So confusing and painful.

I'm happy that you have given this nightmare a voice and you have confronted your sister with it.

She probably will not respond in a satisfying manner.  Ns usually won't face up to their past misdeeds.

But, you are NOT voiceless:  You sent her the email AND you are telling your story to us, so you DO have a voice and we all HEAR YOU.

By telling your story and sending the email, you have done a powerfully healing thing.  Congratulations for a job well done.

dazed

[seastorm]

Oh Izzy,

That really WAS a scene from a shocking movie. Your sister was behaving horribly to you. The whole thing was grotesque and your silence and denial had to happen for her to carry off her plan. No wonder it stays in your mind.  Hearing your story I see you as a witness. Someone who really sees beneath the surface and reads between the lines. This heightened sensitivity is so beautiful. Even though the incident was horrible, the fact that you KNEW what was going on is good. It is like a swan hanging around with mean ducks.
There is a great story in Women Who Run With The Wolves. It is about a Mistaken Zygote who ends up being born in the wrong house. Like the Ugly Duckling.
Now we are your witnesses.
I believe how you saw and felt and what you heard. I care how you felt.
 I bet that story is like a banner and it is shows the dynamics that went on day after day and year after year. Like your subconscious saying ,"Pay attention, this is important".
There are REASONS for your withdrawl from life and they make perfect sense. I am so glad you are writing. Your journey through this site is teaching me a lot and helping me too.

Love,

Sea storm

[isittoolate]

Thank you everyone who responded,

I wasn’t sure whether to post that, but I did recognize it was an example of my voicelessness, my fear in speaking up and revealing MY beliefs.

So much of my life is based on that fear and not speaking out. I have an idea that watching the John Bruce Lipton tapes had a hand in this because what he said is about everyone, not just Americans, Canadians, or cannibals in the jungle.

It was a relief to write and since it is true I have no idea what my sister’s response will be, but she cannot deny a thing.

ALSO, I realized that is was this same fear that prevented me from communicating with my daughter.

I sent her another email, a more ‘caring’ one and asked if she would share with me her feelings about this current upset and that perhaps it might help to put it down on paper

She responded immediately and there were 2 emails from her this morning, with her perceptions of what is going on, as well as truths about what is happening.

I must really speak up more, but this solitude of mine is giving me a chance to ‘heal’ and have absolutely no upsets in my life.
Thanks again all

Love
Izzy

[pennyplant]

Wow, Izzy, I'm so glad for you that communication with your daughter is opening up.  This is very good news.

Love, Pennyplant

[isittoolate]

Thanks pennyplant,

I received a 3rd email from her. Now I must reply.

Lack of communication is the pits.

Being able to communicate is so much better, but she is really going through hell with her 2 N sons.. There was one point she said that "what followed I cannot bring myself to share" , so to speak, and I respect that. What she has shared sheds a light on her life.

Love
Izzy

[pennyplant]

Sounds like she just needs to know someone cares.  And you do understand the N-thing better than the average person she could be talking to.  This is really good for both of you.

Pennyplant

[isittoolate]

Yes she has been very open with me and what is happening.

Get this. The Toronto school system said that he had to return to the Mother's home to finish this semester there (Kingston). So he is back with my daughter for now.

Imagine putting your child through these disruptions.....he'll be all messed up soon, if not already.

Izzy