Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
monster or good daughter?
rosencrantz:
I 'get' what you 'get', CG. Can I put it a slightly different way??
Every time we 'forgive' them by 'understanding', we 'disarm' ourselves so as not to inflict more pain. But we leave ourselves unprotected.
What we need to do is to forgive and understand whilst remaining fully armed against their terrorism... :idea:
If only 'knowing' could be the same as being able to carry it off!!! :(
R
Portia:
Eee gads, the last few threads have had me riveted. Oh Wildflower, this is painful:
--- Quote ---She stopped needing me because I wasn’t there and her friend was. Her friend is gone, now it’s me again. Gosh. That's really all I am to her?
--- End quote ---
Here’s some more pain and very tough, opinionated talking from me: you are absolutely correct – in one sense.
But here’s the rub: you know what unconditional love is? She doesn’t and never will. She fights for some kind of survival: she does not see feelings through your eyes. So: “That's really all I am to her?” Yes, but that’s all she needs! That is exactly what she needs and no more. Can I make this clearer? She is incapable of any more: it has nothing to do with your relationship…SHE is incapable. You are capable of a different kind of love….but she is not!
How can this make you feel better? Because it’s not YOU that’s the problem. And therefore you are not the answer either. You’re not the bad guy here….you’re just another guy! She does not – can not –see you any differently. Therefore – you cannot hurt her, or help her, any more than anyone else can!
“That's really all I am to her?” It’s difficult not to let emotions project more….which is why I like a quasi-scientific approach. What is she like with others? And as my OH likes to remind me: you are not your parents! Some of their genes are in you, but you are a separate person of your own.
Wildflower: I value you here….lots & lots & lots! P
rosencrantz:
I'd like to refine what I said in my last post above.
What we could do (if we wanted to, if it were worth the candle, if 'they' were worth it, if integrity forced us to do so) is to forgive and understand whilst remaining fully armed against their terrorism...
That feels better!
R
Wildflower:
gurgle…gurgle….rrrrrr
rrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRR
OMG!! It’s my turn to be the idiot around here. She beat the crap out of me emotionally!!!
:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
I just couldn't see/admit this. I don't know why.
This one little memory, tugging away. Tug. Tug, tug. YANK!!!
On my road trip across country, I was traveling with an exchange student from Holland who had been staying in my old room during my first year of college. Never having met, we planned the trip for a couple of months. How nice of mom to let me do something like this? No, no. No. She never let me do anything like this growing up. But she adored the exchange student, and the student wanted to use my car across country. It was a blast, don’t get me wrong, but I was just a hitch. It was my car, so I was ‘included’ in the plans. :evil: :evil:
Well, we called to check in one night from a pay phone. I talked to her first. The usual banging my head against the phone with frustration type conversation. The student got on after me. I overheard the student saying, “She’s fine. No really, I’m not having any problems. We’re getting along fine.” I was horrified. And humiliated. I asked the student what my mom had said, and she actually told me. She said that my mom was really worried about the student because I was so difficult to be around. (My heart is pounding!! Breathe). Over the course of the trip, the student and I got along pretty well, and we even talked a bit about my mom. The student confessed that my mom was a little ‘trying’ and she could see my side of the argument. I don’t even remember what I could have been saying at that point.
OOOOOOOOOOOOW. Ow. Ow. Ow.
They're flooding in. Have to keep them at bay until I get home later tonight, but I’ll never turn my back on them again.
Damn it.
Wildflower
Wildflower:
Okay. Whew. The world has stopped shaking for the moment. I stepped away. Gathered myself. And what do I come back to? This great board and the wonderful people on it. :D I just want to say thank you to everyone who was right there as I was posting this.
And I want to say, I'm going to be okay. I couldn't deal with this when I was younger, but it's time now. I can be furious with her without ruining my life now. Because I have a life now.
I'll be back.
Wildflower
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