spoke too soon

[Gaining Strength]

A couple of weeks ago I posted that things were much improved with my Nish mother.  Oops, spoke too soon.

Those little passive aggressive antics are sneaking in again.  Wish she could articulate what is bothering her rather than subtly sabotaging me.  I want to overcome my "reacting" to her and respond with love but boy do I have a long way to go to get there.  Meanwhile I'll keep practising or try to be willing to be willing to respond differently.

[axa]

GS

When those little barbs are sent out you feel them in your gut.  Why not focus as the observer on yourself when your Mom calls.  Every time you feel a barb just watch what is happening to you, really focus on yourself, forget about her.  You will find your answer in yourse.f


xxx
axa

[Gaining Strength]

Great suggestion.  I know that you are right.  The answer is definitely with me.  I'll try that suggestion.  Thanks Axa.

[Sela]

Hi GS,

Another method:

Mother:  "Barb.....aggressive antic.....subtle sabotage....blah blah blah etc"

GS:  "Well, mother, I must be going now.  Gotta go pumice my heals.  TTYL.  Bye." click.  phone off hook.

An exit might not be the ultimate reaction but is useful in that it stops you from responding verbally .....keeps you from taking the hook, so to speak.  You can then examine your reaction and think up ways you'd like to respond in future.

Also, totally ignoring the hook by acting deaf and changing the subject:

Mother:  "Barb.....aggressive antic.....subtle sabotage....blah blah blah etc"

GS: "You know mother, I was thinking of pumicing my heals.  I find it's something I need to do now and then.  Do you know where I can find a good pumice stone?"

And see her reaction ( might be entertaining to boot!).

When all else fails:

The......you must be kidding response can work:

Mother:  "Barb.....aggressive antic.....subtle sabotage....blah blah blah etc"

GS: "Oh mother!  (giggle, choke, spit), you can't be serious!  (ha ha ha).  You are a riot sometimes!"

Not exactly lovey dovey communication but sort of happy go lucky, light and bubbly stuff and most important it says:  "I'm not biting".

Here's an interesting link:

http://www.psytalk.info/articles/narcissist.html

Sela

[Gaining Strength]

I love that Sela.  Thanks. GS

[liberty]

HI GS,

I have an Nmom too and I understand how annoying and frustrating this type of behavious is. sometimes I feel up to dealing with it and sometimes I don't.


Sometimes I give absurd answers. Sometimes, I end the conversation. It really depends on my mood. I guess that the key is not beating yourself up about how you may have handled it at the given point in time. After all why should I care about my responses. It won't make a difference to the N's behaviour anyway!

Lib

[Gaining Strength]

no it won't make a difference to the N only to us. GS

[Hopalong]

How about:

Oh my god Mom, QUICK, turn on the TV! (click).

Hops 

[gratitude28]

Great ideas. I would add though, that if you are like me, GS, sometimes you get caught unaware. I said on another post that I was telling my mother my husband got a new bike and she came back with, "Are you gonna ride the old one?" (Mean, teasing voice... meaning I wouldn't/couldn't be as sporty as him). I sputtered back that I didn't like biking and was going to the gym. Now why the hell did I need to justify that???? I even told my husband about it and he said I should have just turned the conversation as you all so astutely noted... but it truly took me a bit to realize what she had done...

You know, I read back through the things I tell about her and it is even hard to see where they are mean. Tehjy are so damn subtle it is hard to prove and almost makes you look silly repeating their words.

[Gaining Strength]

LoL Hops.

Gratitude - that's it.  Last night she kept my son while I went to a book discussion.  She gave him dinner on a tray so he could watch TV.  They got into a fight because my son spilt his juice on the tray.  She was holding the tray up and he was trying to grab his fried chicken.  She was screaming, "No. Stop" in such an indescribable tone.  He was yelling back, "I want my chicken!" I jumped up and intervened.

I tried to explain to her that she was the grown up and that yelling was not the way to discipline him or to stop his behavior.  But what got me was how quickly I flashed back to my childhood when she did that to my brother's and me.    Most of all it helps me understand that she has no concept of how to talk to a child. It is really bizarre to witness and next to impossible to describe.

But the question I keep asking is, "Why do I react so strongly?  What keeps me hooked in?"  I am keenly interested in getting to the point of not reacting. That's my goal.

[gratitude28]

That's what I want too GS. It's hard to overcome those emotional reactions. My mother also is terrible with the kids. They are OK as long as they are being cute. She does the same thing with them that she does and did with me... she will set down food and then reach over to rearrange something. Or move their glasses back or some such thing. I react to that too. I am respectful of my children, and rather than invading their space, I ask them to move their glass or please be careful or some such thing.

[Gaining Strength]

It is so weird to read your post Gratitude.  how glad I am to have found this place.  I can't get over, after all these years, fiding people who not only empathize but who actually have had experiences so similar to my bizarre experiences.  I just love this place!! Thanks so much for sharing.  - GS

[CB123]

edit

[Gaining Strength]

Wow CB, you have been surrounded by wretchedness.  I am astonished as how well you are already doing.  What was your father like? - gs

[GAP]

Dear GS,

I too use to think if there was a slight improvement in behavior in my husband or mother that all was well....that is our nature, we wouldn't have survived all the abuse if we weren't hopeful.  Eventually we must put aside the hope that the situation will change and we must change.  The way we react, how, when and where we expose ourselves to the "N's" in our lives.  We can only control ourselves and our reactions to the bad behavior.  Loved everyone's suggestions!

A turning point for me was when I realized that I had spent my entire life hoping someone else would help me get out of the abusive situation I was in, things changed the day I realize only I could save myself.

GAP